Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 12 (Fear of Abandonment)
Welcome to the twelth episode.
On this week's episode, I talk about how fear of abandonment can be the most damaging stress to handle in adult life that may have plagued you all through your relationships.
In this episode, I talk through my own struggles with fear of abandonment and share the Adult Children of Alcoholics #4 laundry list item that's about this fear.
I also open up and share some personal stories from my past along with the tools that I have used to overcome this fear.
And if you're looking for art imitating life, be sure to watch Florence + The Machine's "No Light, No Light" video that hits home with the line: "I'd do anything to make you stay."
This week's tip is a powerful one:
Take the first step. Admit where you have a problem. Instead of denying, admit where you have a weakness.
Want to learn more? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.
I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.
Listen to the podcast on:
RSS feed (copy and paste the link into your podcast app)
Transcript
Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of The let go and be free series for adult children of alcoholics. On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts, to stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child. Together, we'll shine a light to dispel any shame you might feel about your upbringing, and learn practical tips that will help you live a healthier life. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, letgoandbefree.com.
And now on with the show, with this episode, fear of abandonment, I want to get a little bit more personal with some of the stories that I have, you know, growing up and some of the first relationships that I have, this is a, this is a bit of a difficult topic, you know, to kind of go through, it might be an episode that you might not want to listen in different chunks, just because sometimes when a truth is shown to you, it might be more challenging than in some of the other episodes to look at your reflection in the mirror and say, Yeah, I can identify with that.
There, you know, it's possible, you might feel some shame, fear, anger, you might deny things, you know, a lot of different things can go on. So let me just take a step back and say the reason why one of the focus on fear of abandonment is that, you know, over the years when I look back, and I can say okay, here's here's this pattern of unhealthy behaviors and relationships that I've noticed within myself, and I can kind of trace them back to that beginning, early relationships that, you know, parent child relationship, you know, I saw and experienced situations, when I was young, with my parents in that, you know, my father wasn't around, he left, there were promises that were made, didn't show up, didn't financially contribute, you know, to the family.
We had a move, you know, we weren't weren't sure where we were gonna live, my grandparents, my mom's parents took us in. And that whole time, you know, and growing up and that instability, and fear of, you know, what was going to happen to me? Where was I going to live?
You know, could I still see my friends? What school was I going to go to, you know, would we have enough to eat, like, there were just many different fears that were going through me, you know, as a kid of being, you know, five, six years old that year, just a lot of different stress, a lot of different concern. And I have, you know, memories of being, you know, this little kid, still living at, you know, the house after my father had left, as my mother was trying to figure out what we were going to do. It was a Friday night, we would get together on Friday nights, she and I, she would order pizza. And, you know, I have no idea where my father was on those nights. I just know, he wasn't around, and we would watch TV.
You know, she and I, and I remember my brother, he at the time, I think he was like around a one or so he'd be sleeping upstairs. And it was just two of us. And often, you know, at that time, my mom would say things to me, like, you're the man of the house. Now, this responsibility was being put on me, you know, now that my father was gone, I had to take care of things. You know, in my, in my mind, what that meant was, I needed to be strong. You know, I wasn't obviously old enough to be able to get a job and to contribute financially, you know, five or six years old.
But I remember that I had to, you know, deal with my own feelings and put on a strong front. And the best way I knew how to do that was being highly and hyper responsible, you know, good in school. The best that I could be at school, the best I could be in everything that I did. I wanted to be I didn't want to be a problem. Essentially, with all the other things that were going on. I wanted to make certain that I wasn't causing any stress or weary, you know, for my mother during the time of this difficult breaking up. Part of her marriage, and then figuring out, what was she going to do? You know, with me, and my young brother, as you know, things all fell apart within the nuclear family.
You know, I have just lots of memories of just fear and worry, and concern. I remember, you know, having this fear of, I guess, when the custody had been worked out, where my father was going to have weekend visits, I was afraid for when he was going to come in and pick me up, and you know, my brother, and, you know, in me up, where we were gonna go, what we were gonna do, you know, I have all sorts of weird, you know, memories of like, you know, him not showing up, or him showing up.
And, you know, one time he showed up, and I recall that he brought us to, like, meet a girlfriend of his and, and I was, you know, trying to figure out like, Well, why are you doing that I don't want anyone to be here, and there was just lots of stress, and lots of fear. And then you don't want to go back. And think of things at that time. The big concern was, why was Why were we abandoned? Why was I left? What did I do wrong? To be abandoned?
You know, they're the type of questions that kind of went through my head as a kid, you know, kind of searching and thinking, All I wanted, at that time, was what I saw, again, I understand this is the five, six year old view that I had, was that all that I wanted, was to have a happy family, you know, I could see other families. And, yes, their families weren't perfect, but at least their families were there, and they were trying to figure things out together, you know, I had wanted to have, you know, my father teach me how to throw a ball or, you know, ride a bike, or all the things that fathers and sons were supposed to do.
And, you know, a lot of that didn't come to be, you know, I specifically remember a Christmas, where I received a bike, a bicycle, and it was, you know, from my father, and I was, like, amazed, like, this is wonderful. And there was like, I guess, like a sign, you know, like a racer sign that you hang on to the bike, you know, it was like a dirt bike that was real big back then.
And, you know, my mom said, Oh, he's going to come, and he's going to bring that piece for you, you know, because he promised and then never happened. And these, these just tiny little stories, you know, not that that was important. You know, when I look back at that now, but as a kid, those memories of putting faith in someone, and that person not delivering, especially being, you know, father figure, just being absent, you know, from your life. And, you know, the time from being five years old, all the way up through my teenage years, you know, in my family, there would be, you know, you'd go through old pictures and find out that pictures of your father had been blacked out, you know, and so you couldn't physically see what he looked like, the only memories, you know, you had of those times were what those, you know, mental snapshots that you took within your head.
And I just remember a lot of fear, anger, you know, confusion, there was just a lot of things of, you know, like, drinking and various drugs and all kinds of stuff. I just remember, you know, as a little kid, things that I, you know, heard saw, experienced, you know, at that time. So, at that early age, this core, internal fear of abandonment was kind of born that I didn't know, you know, what was really going on, I didn't understand the ramifications of it all. I just experienced it and lived through it as best I could and tried to move on.
But I remember I harbored like a deep hatred, you know, an anger toward my father for for things that he had done to my mom, and things he had done, you know, to us, especially knowing that, you know, he didn't pay, you know, child care, and, you know, alimony, those kinds of things. And back then, you know, it was really difficult to get the courts to agree, you know, to make him do that legally. So, there was a lot of stress, you know, in my early life, and then, as I, as that fear of abandonment kind of crystallized within me. You know, I had promised myself as I got into my teenage years, and then into my young 20s that I was going to have, you know, a relationship where, you know, I found someone and I fell in love. And I talked about that in the last episode, you know, the tricky thing about love.
And so the deepest fear that I had ever had, you know, and I guess I still do have as an adult is that fear of abandonment? And it centers around, if I open up myself to someone, you know, and I am vulnerable, and I am me. Are they going to, you know, abandon me, are they going to kick me to the curb, when things get difficult, or find somebody better, or any of those things, those underlying fears, you know, kind of stayed with me.
And because I didn't have the strength, the fortitude, the understanding that I needed to build my own self esteem, my own sense of self, that I would be okay, no matter what my sense of worthiness, my own sense of self love, you know, I had focused so much energy on the other, you know, I was the responsible one, I needed to focus on taking care of my mother and making sure that, you know, my brother was okay, and then we were going to be fine. You know, that hyper responsibility, again, like the importance of that, because I focused all my energy on that, and being the best person that I could be, you know, as this little kid, whereas I didn't have the the skill set, or the tools to know that what I really needed to focus on, was processing those fears.
And everything that happened to me during those traumatic traumatic early years. And that sense of, you know, I needed to build myself up from being kind of ripped apart as a kid of seeing my family being destroyed. And all the fears and anger and hatred, everything that happened, you know, at those times, with what I needed to be, and who I needed to be in a relationship, the core missing piece is, I didn't have that strong sense of self, like I knew who I was, but he didn't have the foundation to know that once I started dating, if it didn't work out, I would still be okay.
The way my brain worked was, oh, my god, somebody actually likes me, I can't believe it. Let me go all in with that person. Throw all my energy, all my strength, everything into that relationship, because I like this feeling this adrenaline rush of being in love, all caution to the wind. And then when the relationship would fall apart, I would be afraid what's going to happen after they leave me. And it was like mimicking those early memories that I had as a kid. So if you follow the adult children of alcoholics, like the 12 step tradition, on their website, and there will be a link in the show notes.
They have a laundry list page. And I've talked about this in other episodes before, but I specifically want to read out number four, laundry list item number four. And this one's a doozy for me. So the way this is written, it says, we either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick abandonment needs. So when you shine a light onto that statement, that can be a hard truth. It can be something that if you've experienced this, then you might feel shame.
And you might feel hurt, and confusion and all the wonderful human emotions about that particular statement, and I'll read it again. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs. And you might say, why? And the answer is pretty, pretty simple. Now that I've looked look back and see the different behavior patterns, unhealthy behavior patterns that I've followed over the course of my life, you know, learn through therapy and through the adult children of alcoholics, you know, 12 Step tradition, is that because we were hurt, and we experienced that abandonment is kids.
We replicate that in current relationships, because it's kind of all that we know. And from a neural pathway perspective, the way our brains work. It's like we're stuck in a in a cycle, and we know a certain thing, and we want to fix that thing. So we are emotionally attached to people who aren't available for us. Either they're an alcoholic or addicted this something or have some type of compulsive personality, and we're desperately trying to fix, make them not leave us, make them stay with us, make them love us, just as we, you know, look back as when we were kids, we would say, Why was I abandoned by a parent or whatever the circumstance was my case, it was, you know, my father, and, you know, my parents getting the divorce and all the horrible things that happened there.
And after he left, and then eventually, you know, I didn't see him for, I think it was like, almost 19 years after that, it just became a ghost, you know, in my life. And that, that sense of abandonment is what I carried through in the relationships that I had, that I would find someone, you know, fallen desperately in love. And the greatest fear is that when we'd hit these bumps in the road, instead of having the fortitude and the understanding to say, Whoa, we need a timeout here, this isn't working, you know, I need to work on me, you need to work on you, what happened within me is, like, I became deathly afraid that this person was going to leave me, and I would do anything to stay with that person, you know, I would change, you know, behaviors, I tried to change my personality, I plead I, you name it, I would do it, I would debase myself.
And I look back, and it is embarrassing, you know, to admit, you know, like, to the level of fear that I struggled with, you know, at the time that, you know, those early relationships, when they would fall apart, I just became a wreck. Because I didn't understand what I was going through to how to deal with those sorts of problems. And three, I didn't have the self knowledge that I have now, of how I needed to focus on myself, instead of throwing all my energy into the relationship.
So it was like a perfect storm, you know, you hit a bump in the road and on the relationship, things start going badly. And the first thought that I had is, oh, my God, it's the end of everything, like literally the end of everything, like how am I going to move on and survive, you know, through this, if this breakup takes takes place, you know, the fear of abandonment was so strong, that it brought me back to that central core, early moments, when I was like, five, you know, and I saw my family being torn apart, and experiencing, you know, the pain, the anger, the fear, everything that took place, and me not knowing, like, where was I going to, you know, be, I would have those same feelings, you know, as a teenager, and in my early 20s, and I just didn't know how to deal with that. I, I just threw myself, you know, into things. So, I don't know, you know, I can't say for certain, obviously, if, if all, people who identify as you know, having been adult children of alcoholics feel the same way.
I know, it, it's a pretty common feeling this fear of abandonment from things that happened, you know, in the past to people, it could be, again, you know, domestic abuse, sexual, you know, violence from, you know, a parent to a child, it's, it could be all kinds of things, there's so many different things that have happened and are kind of hidden from the light, you know, from from, you know, the, I guess, the normal everyday events that people see, you know, a lot of people carry hidden trauma, that they're embarrassed in shame, feel shame to express what they went through. And, you know, they don't want to make a bother of it. They just want to kind of move on, you know, I can say to you, from personal experience that having worked with therapist over the years to talk about what happened to me what happened within my family was extremely helpful.
And I, I also had the opportunity when I did, by pure chance. Maybe I'll tell that story in the in a future episode, to come in contact and meet my father again, when I was I think I was 25. That was when I saw my father again, after again being whatever, five, six, maybe seven, like, there was this long stretch of time I just didn't see from him, didn't receive a Christmas card. Nothing. It was just nothing. And it was weird to find out that when I did come, you know, our paths crossed again, that he wasn't more than maybe two miles away. He was less than a mile away from where I worked at The time which was pretty weird. But when I think of those times, and think of everything, you know, that I went through, it's, it's really difficult to, you know, to shine that light, because it brings up uncomfortable feelings. But at the same time, I learned and had the experience that when I did cross paths with him again, that I asked him a question, and I still am pretty amazed that, that I had the courage to do this.
And in his, you know, to be kind to him, that he said yes to this, I asked him if he would come to one session of, you know, therapy with me. And he did come. And we met and talked with, you know, my therapist, and I got to ask, in a safe environment, you know, some of the questions that I had always wanted to ask, like, why did you do X? You know, why did you do why and to hear his responses. And in my head, I had built up this like, monster story of him. And when I heard the answers, it kind of deflated all of that within me. And I realized that either he just did it because he didn't know what to do. Or he's versus responding to what had happened to him.
And there was no, like, I just there wasn't, there wasn't like a master plan, you know, that he laid out, it was kind of like, Oh, he didn't know what to do. Or that's what everybody did. So he just did that. And I was kind of shocked that basically, he screwed up. Things had been done to him. He had experienced things, it didn't negate the things that he did, it didn't excuse some of the horrible things that he did. But I was able to better understand his point of view, having only heard, you know, my mother's over the years, and then I was able to marry those two together, and then work and process, you know, through therapy, through the 12 step meetings, what was I going to do to move forward to deal with this fear of abandonment? How was I going to overcome it? I wish I could say that it was a simple process.
And that it was a simple, oh, I went to a couple sessions of therapy, and it was magically cured for me know that, that that is not the case. You know, there are still times, even, you know, today, I still sometimes struggle with this. And, you know, I, I, I say that, not as a means to dishearten you if you're listening to this, but I share it as a matter of truth that I need to continue to work on myself, or I will fall back into old patterns, that it's not as though I can erase the past. It's not as though I can forget some of the decades of experiences that I had, and how I acted. But I can see myself starting to go down that old path and then question it and say, again, focusing on that adult voice in my head. Is this healthy for me? Is this true? You know, such as if this relationship breaks apart? Is it the end of the world? Is it the end of me? And the answer is no. It's not, it's going to be difficult. But it's not the end of the world. So having the new perspective, and, and building new neural pathways, so you don't have to continue to go through the old behavior patterns of what I used to do as a kid. And as a teenager, and in my early 20s is helpful. But it's also important to focus on, you know, the skills that are needed, the better understanding of how to handle myself in problems, instead of just falling back into the old ways. So I did want to share one other thing that I found to be really helpful.
There's, you know, for me, art has always been a solace. creative person, I'm a writer, I have used writing to help me process my emotions and trauma and things that I have gone through. You know, I look back at those early years when I was writing stories, and they were a great escape for me. And now, you know, I really focus on when I write my story is it's a way of sharing in it like an internal truth about something that I've discovered and processing that.
And through that sharing of art, that I'm able to overcome, maybe something that helped me in the past. And for me, art is not, you know, it's not just drawing it's music writing, you know, pottery, any creative expression, you know, I see, expressing myself in a podcast is a form of art because I'm, I'm taking these ideas that I experienced all those years ago, wrapping them up into words, and then sharing them, you know, across this electronic airwaves to you, no matter where you are in the world to say, I have been there, I have experienced this, you are not alone.
If you are feeling this sense of abandonment, there are ways to overcome it. And so when I say that I look to art, there are times where, you know, just going around in the world, I cross paths, and I hear something or I see something, and I gravitate that to that, because I go, that person has experienced the same thing.
So there's a musician, Florence and the Machine. And that band, the singer, Florence, there's a song no light, no light that she's put out. And I put the link to the video on YouTube in it. And I don't want to say too much. But I do want to focus that there is a, there is a line that she sings in this tortured voice that says, I do anything to make you stay. And every time I hear that song, you know, the arrangement of like, she's singing this, the verse, and in the background, in this, you know, high pitched tortured voice, I do anything to make you stay that moment in that song captures pretty perfectly how I have felt in the past, when I've been in circumstances where the relationships falling apart. And that fear of abandonment takes over. And in my brain, I'm thinking I would do anything anything to make this right, what can I do, please don't leave me. So I'm going to share that song.
You know, watch the video, I really like listened to it in earphones, you know, because I could hear that line kind of come through. And it's like this, like hidden line that's in the song that when you hear it and experience it for the first time. Like for me as someone who, you know, grew up in a family environment that the stress was so great.
And everything that I suffered, I can I can identify, you know, with that. And that's I guess, that's the thing that I wanted to share the message of this episode, it's not your broken, it's not all is lost. It's not, you're never going to overcome the fear of abandoned abandonment, the message that I'm trying to get across in words, as I can piece together my own experiences, you know, my feeble use of language to be able to wrap upon it, the importance that, as I said earlier, you are not alone. And the tip of this week, is simply taking the first step. And that means looking back at your life, and seeing if this is something is fear of abandonment that you struggled with. And if it is just simply admit to it, just that first step, and be like, Yeah, I've been there, I can identify with that.
That first step. You know, in the future, when you feel more time has passed that you be able to wrap your mind around it and say, I'm ready to take the second step, then that's when you can decide, what are the things you're going to do. You know, for me, it was going to therapy, going to the 12 step meetings, reading on a daily basis, the 12 steps, focusing on the serenity, prayer prayer, you know, working to take the exercises that my counselor gave me, and learning to apply them, you know, in the world as I went about, you know, built new relationships and friendships.
It was a process. And the process is not easy. And it's not as simple follow one to 10. And at the end of 10, everything is fine. That's not the kind of process this is, it can be a messy process, because you might go backwards and forwards and up and down and all over the place as you go through this journey. And that's okay. My journey is different from your journey. But at the end of it, the message of hope that I have is that you are not alone. You are worthy. You are worthy to be loved. You can get through this. The first step is just simply admitted that you felt this fear of abandonment. And you see how that's affected your life and your relationships.
You might feel that shame, shine the light on the shame. Allow yourself to feel it and then to let it go. Because what I've learned, you know, through Brené Brown is that shame hates light hates the truth coming out. Because, you know, that shame is like, what if people hear what if people learn what if this, but when you own that, then you can become your true and full self. So I do hope that this episode, you know, has been helpful. I've tried to be as respectful as I can against, you know, memories from other, you know, my parents, I've tried not to cast a horrible light on on, you know, any of them in the sense like, telling the details, trying to be respectful that, you know, for my own perception and the things that I've gone through, I hope that this episode has been helpful to you. And that is give you some time and pause to think and gives you some hope of how to move forward.
So with that, thank you again, so much for listening. If you'd like to learn more, you can visit let go and be free.com. If you're not already signed up for the newsletter, there is a weekly newsletter that goes out. And there's also a ebook that I'm giving out. It's um, you know, has like seven different reflections that you can focus on that will help you get through anxiety and stress and, you know, all type of everyday challenges. So again, thank you so much for listening. I appreciate it. I wholeheartedly am happy that I do have listeners that come in tune in each week. Thank you, and as always, be well.