The Power of Vulnerability by Brené Brown

by Ron Vitale

Twitter has once again proved how serendipity is wonderful and amazing. Last night I started scrolling through the people I'm following in #MYWANA (We Are Not Alone hashtag for writers) when I stumbled across a tweet from ischaffenburg about "The True Power of Letting Go." You see, that's always been difficult for me to do: Letting go. Without getting all pyscho-drama-ery, I like to think of it in a very simple way:

My father abused my mother and domestic violence existed in my home. He left my mom, brother and I when I was four years of age. In growing up, I've always struggled with fear of abandonment. And to compensate, I hold on for dear life. Why would I share this with the world? It's simple. I've struggled much of my life with this and know that by not talking, writing or expressing it I'm allowing those feelings to own me. And I don't want that. By admitting my weakness and sharing it, I become stronger.

Vulnerability is not an easy thing to accept, but, at some level, we all do. When I stumbled upon Brené Brown's TED talk last night, I wasn't quite sure what I would be watching. I sat back and had to stop it and play it again to watch with my wife. She and I have both been working hard on dealing with our internal demons and we both sat there hearing Brown say what we already know:

"We are the most in debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in American history."

Don't feel good about something? Eat a muffin, drink some beer or buy clothes, movie or a new iPad. That will make us feel good, right? We're doing anything as a people except be vulnerable, authentic and addressing our problems.

Think about it. Or, would you rather be numb? Brown's theory is pretty interesting. We number ourselves from feeling vulnerable and dealing with all that messiness but that not only allows us to cope with the bad feelings but also with the good ones. We cannot selectively numb emotion. It's the good feelings as well as the not so good ones that we block out.

Brown talks about two basic groups that she uncovered in her research on vulnerability:

• People who have a strong sense of love and belonging.
• People who are always struggling for a sense of belonging

And what I found pretty amazing is that the "difference between the two groups of people? It's only that people believe they are worthy of love and belonging. That's the only difference between the two groups. Our fear that we're not worthy of connection keeps us from it."

Pretty interesting. A long time ago I made a choice and that choice was to be me. For all that it's worth, I'm pretty damn happy with who I am. People who know me know what my faults are, my quirks, but at the end of the day, I'm willing to put myself on the line because I believe in myself and believe that the point (if there is one) for me to be here on this planet is to simply share my experiences to the world.

When I look in the mirror, I smile. Brown has a very simple message. One that I would like to share with you: "I am enough." The message is simplistic, seemingly too much so, but the devil's in the details. It's very easy for us to dismiss all this new age nonsense, or we could take a serious look at our lives and move forward to embrace vulnerability.

In my writing, I explore the uncomfortable parts of life. I might write about fantasy, witches, fairies and magic, but I also explore emotion--love, rejection, fear and shame. A long time ago back in college I took a class on dysfunctional families and I recall our teacher telling all of us to stand in the center of the room and to "act crazy." We all did that, but I chose to walk away and head toward the window. She stopped the group and asked me what I was doing and I simply said, "Getting away."

I have long known that I have the power to not repeat abuse, addiction and the self-destructive patterns that I was raised in. For me, it's sharing those stories, facing my fears and letting them go. I wrote my Masters thesis on this topic and I keep working at all of this because it's essential. It's my most important job. I do all of this so that not only can I become a better person but also so that the relationships I form with my kids, wife, extended family and friends can also be healthy and strong.

I'll end with asking: Are you enough? Who do you want to be? Will you be the whole hearted person who is courageous and puts your vulnerabilities out there for those who know you to see? Or, will you medicate yourself, number yourself with experiences and things to shield you from your emotions and your true potential? Is it that simple and black & white? I don't know. Why don't you look in the mirror and ask yourself the question? You might be amazed at what you discover.

Finding True Love

by Ron Vitale

Self-portrait of my wife and I in Paris back in 1999.

This week marks the 18th year that I met my wife and in honor of that I wanted to reflect back and set the record straight answering the question: Does true love exist? But before I can do that, I think it's more important to define: What is love?

Love Is a Many Splendid Thing

The definition of love that I like the best is one I was taught back in my senior year of high school from a priest at my Catholic school. Father Hanley taught us that "love is seeing good in someone and wanting to see that good grow." I've always liked that definition because love is active and other centered. It's not about swooning, smothering or possessiveness, but about growth and giving of yourself to another to support them in achieving their potential.

True love, for me, is simply that: Supporting the person you love and being there for them on their journey through life as they continue to grow and become a better person. Love is not simply about sex and gifts (I think we all know that), but it's a balance of discovery, support and learning to grow with another over time. There are ups and downs and downs and ups, but there are also times of great intensity that flare up like the sun. Yet if I look at the 18 years that I've been with my wife, I would say that we have worked hard to find a path of calm (though she would probably disagree with me on this) in which we have strived to build a solid foundation for our lives and for our kids.

The "C" Word

We opted for a life that hit the Golden Mean. We didn't want to be manic depressive with great highs and lows all the time in our relationship, but find stability and calm. What exactly do I mean by that? Coming together as a couple means that it's necessary to compromise and make sacrifices. If you're not willing to compromise and sometimes put your kids and your partner in front of your own needs, then I'd advise you not to be in a relationship. We can't always get what we want. And that's a good thing because having a push and pull in a relationship in which there are boundaries creates tension and friction. This is where the true magic of a relationship lives.

What if you don't wish to go to your in-laws this Christmas? What if your spouse doesn't like to clean, but you do and you need help around the house? What happens when you both are tired and the baby wakes up for the fifth time at 4:00 a.m.? What happens? I always find romantic movies so funny. The same is true with many TV shows. My wife and I will watch the serious event lay out and within a few minutes all conflict is resolved (along with, on cue, some really great music playing in the background as the couple reaffirms their love for each other).

Life isn't like that. Well, at least my life isn't like that. When I write my books, I have been criticized because I have made some of my characters be unlikeable at times or I've had them make bad choices. Just like in life. Have I not done some stupid things in my life that caused harm to my relationships? Yes, I have. Has my wife? Yes, she has. So what happens when conflict arises and needs to be resolved? Does the cool music start playing in the background and we're suddenly running toward each other and all is okay? No, that's fantasy land. That doesn't even happen in my books (thankfully).

Learn to Forgive

I have made choices that have rocked my marriage and caused great angst to the relationship as has my wife. These are personal moments that are between her and me. She knows what I mean. And I know as well. It's the secret language of a couple who have been together for a long time. What has helped us get through those rough times? Forgiveness. And forgiveness doesn't come easy. You can't just wake up and say, "Well, looks like today I will simply wash away all the hurt and pain and just decide to forgive my loved one. That was easy! Let's go play tennis now."

Life isn't like that. And neither are the characters in my books. I've had Cinderella do some really bone headed things that the reader scratches her head wondering why she would do that. My answer: Because she's human. She screws up just like the rest of us. When I have needed to forgive, I will be the first to admit that it is not easy for me to do. Sometimes the hurt is too deep and it takes time to work through the feelings and come to a quiet moment to forgive. I've found that quiet reflection and some time helps to put the situation in perspective.

Yet having grown up in a family that went through two divorces, I can attest that I never saw a true and loving marriage. I did not have good role models to learn from and felt socially inept for much of my early dating years.

I look back and cringe at what a mess I was and how I looked for love for all the wrong reasons (to complete me and "fix" me). Those relationships didn't last and I hope and pray that the damage I did in those relationships has been forgiven by the women I dated back then. But there is one thing that I learned that's essential to all of this and might just be the secret to true love. It's a theme in my Cinderella's Secret Diaries series and one that I believe is just about the most important thing anyone can learn about relationships.

Love Yourself

In order to be in a relationship that will work, I learned that I needed to be able to forgive myself and also needed to love myself. This might be one of the most simple and yet most complicated skills to learn and be ready for in a relationship. If I wasn't able to forgive myself and pick myself up and try again, how would I be able to forgive another? If I couldn't look at myself in the mirror and love the person I see there, how could I love another? It's almost too simple, but it's been a key to helping me on my life journey.

When I look at the road that my wife and I have journeyed on, I see some amazing times and some purely magical ones. The birth of our children, seeing a total solar eclipse on the day I proposed to her in France, watching a meteor shower with our children and friends, holding each other in the dark of night after a rough time when our dearest family members had died--these and more than 18 years of memories are all entwined in our collective memory. The road has been impossible to predict but not prepare for.

Be in the Present

Each day could be my last. I have no way of knowing when I will be no more on this Earth and I don't know how long my relationship with my wife will last. But I don't dwell on that. Instead I focus on living the best life I can and being true to myself. Will I screw up and make mistakes? Yes, I will. Will my wife make mistakes? Yes, she will.

In amazement, I look back to a conversation I had on the phone with my friend who I've known the longest and remember telling her after I met my wife: "I don't know if she likes me romantically, but if she doesn't, I'd be happy to get to know her as a friend." It's been 18 years later and who would have known that we would be together all this time. The place we met, Borders, no longer exists. With all the change and challenges in life, I try my best to remember the present and focus on the here and now. Will we be together tomorrow and next year and so on? It's not worth me worrying about. Instead, it's best that I focus on today.

So do I believe in "true love"? I've fallen in love with many women in my life and I wouldn't say that there is just one person out there for me. I know that's not true. I often say to my wife that if I pass on I hope she finds another person to be happy with. God know that she wouldn't miss the grief I sometimes give her! I believe there's no special or secret recipe to making this all work out. Making a relationship last can be hard work. It's also taking time to look your wife in the eye and listening to her and being present and holding her or asking to be held. It's a myriad mix of complex human emotions that spans decades. That's probably not the answer that people want to hear. It's a lot easier to say that boy meets girl and they lived happily ever after.

But for me, boy meets girl and that's when the story just begins. It's not all happily ever after. Life is too complex for that and, for me, that's the beauty of it all.

I dedicate this post to my beautiful wife who has patience with me during all the times when I deserve none. Je t'aime.

Dragon*Con 2002

by Ron Vitale

Published on the now defuncty Grimmoire.com, September 3, 2002

Dragon*Con 2002: Snoring Girl, Ass Man, and Boobs on a Platter

by Ron Vitale

It’s 6:35 a.m. on Sunday, September 1, 2002, and I’m waiting for my flight home at the Atlanta airport. Dragon*Con, one of America’s largest fantasy/sci-fi conventions, is still going strong as I write this. The convention started on Friday, August 30th in Atlanta, Georgia, and runs through Monday, September 2nd. This year was my first time at this mother of all conventions (attendance is around 20,000 people). But what is Dragon*Con? To sum up in as few words as possible: A place where you can shed your inhibitions and live your fantasy for days at a time.

I don’t care if you’re into traditional fantasy/sci-fi (Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings), Goth attitude, comic books, or gaming, Dragon*Con has it all. A word to the wise: If you go, leave your judgmental self at home. Otherwise, you’ll miss some great experiences and lots of fun.

My original goal was pretty straightforward: Go to the Con to play some Magic, attend some writing sessions, and hit the dealer tables with all the goodies. A quick rant about organization: My wife and I arrived on Friday and tried to register for both Friday & Saturday, but that was not possible. We couldn’t purchase badges for both days. To make matters worse, we couldn’t buy Saturday’s badge in advance. This meant that we had to wait in the crush of a line on Saturday morning and missed the Dragon*Con parade. I had really wanted to see the 501st Stormtrooper brigade, along with elves, fairies, Wolverine, and Spider-mans (there were at least four at the Con) walking the downtown streets of Atlanta. But instead, we were stuck in line, waiting to get badges when the computers suddenly went down. All-in-all registration only took an hour, but I would have rather bypassed waiting in line for a second time on Saturday.

Another problem we encountered: Changing of session times and speakers. I was most frustrated with the Magic tournaments. I had packed light so I had no cards with me, but thought that I’d have no problems playing sealed deck or booster draft. I walked into the gaming room and saw people playing HeroClix, Warhammer, Magic, Vampire: The Masquerade, Star Wars, and some games I had never heard of (Looney Labs had a life-size Ice House display right out on the floor to one of the session rooms).

I’ll admit this: I walked through the gaming rooms (which were huge--imagine enough tables, end-to-end, set up for about a thousand people to play games) and only saw, at most, five games of Magic going on at the same time. Not to be turned away by the small turnout, I signed up for a sealed deck session (1-5 p.m. on Saturday). I came back at 1 p.m. all ready to play and was told that the group organizers had made a mistake—the session wasn’t going to start until 2 p.m. I had to drop out because I had other commitments later that day. Thankfully, the staff returned my $25.00 without a problem. Knowing how sealed decks go, I knew that they never start on time and the three people in front of me didn’t have DCI numbers, so I knew that the newbie factor would be high. I just didn’t have 4-5 hours to spare so late in the day. But as I learned at Dragon*Con, the unexpected events usually turn out to be more exciting. I used my “spidey sense” and met up with my wife as soon as I dropped from the Magic tournament. Finding her was no easy task. Imagine trying to locate one person when thousands of people are spread out through two hotels. When I did find her, she was just going to lunch with Ruth Thompson—a fantasy artist who did some Magic card artwork back during the Ice Age and Alliance expansions (she did the artwork for Order of the White Shield and Justice).

So I tagged along and had a great time talking to Ruth Thompson. She told my wife and I how closely knit the dealers/merchants were and how she loved coming to Dragon*Con. I had watched her at her booth as she and her husband talked with fans. Ruth took the time to autograph copies of her work, chat with her fans, and be down to earth the whole time. I’m glad I had a chance to meet her and hear her talk about her experiences at Dragon*Con over the years.

Dragon*Con is a mix of the best and worst of people. Some of the more humorous and embarrassing moments took place at a writing seminar I attended on Friday night. I arrived at the room and couldn’t believe how packed it was for a writing seminar. I moved to the back of the room and sat to the right and one row forward from ass man. The session had started so I sat quickly down and started to engross myself in the writing seminar. I concentrated, gathered myself together, and prepared to learn as much as I could about getting published. And then it hit me. A familiar smell (to anyone who has ever attended a big Magic tournament or sci-f/fantasy convention) wafted over me. I cringed, looking desperately for another seat, but couldn’t find one. The smell of ass washed over me in all its fecund glory. So a choice presented itself to me: Up and leave or suffer. Sometimes the desire to write helps me to overcome all obstacles. I breathed through my mouth and hunkered down. (I’ve always wondered if ass smelling people at Magic tournaments use their smell to give them an advantage. Has anyone ever studied the ass smell in the metagame?) I listened to James A. Moore, author of Fireworks, answer a writing question I had when the women in the seat directly in front of me started snoring.

Let me describe the moment. There were three writers at the front table and a good seventy-five people crammed into the seats. I had just asked James Moore a question and he had started to reply. People were turned around looking at me since I had just finished my question, ass man’s stench continued to permeate my clothes, and the woman in front of me started snoring like she was sawing logs. All I needed was for a flatulent person near me to start letting them rip--then the moment would’ve been complete! How I made it through that seminar, I don’t know, but I did learn a lot about writing (and more about the lack of personal hygiene than I needed to know).

On both Friday and Saturday, I roamed through the dealer and vendor rooms like a kid in a candy shop. Imagine an entire hall filled with hundreds of people who want to sell you games or teach you how to play new games. The HeroClix booth area was mobbed. People were gobbling up merchandise left and right. I didn’t see any of the major CCG companies there, but I did find two Magic dealers in the one large dealer hall. The one dealer was selling your normal packs of cards but he also had an unopened Alpha starter deck ($650) and sealed packs of the Magic Euro lands. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the red packs of Euro lands, but told me that they were selling for around $40. I also found people selling tons of dice, comics, bootleg DVDs (can you say Star Wars and Indian Jones trilogies!), Playboys and Perfect 10 magazines (I did stop to check the beautiful woman signing autographs), new & old games, books, and unlicensed props: swords from the Lord of the Rings and lightsabers (e-mail Jim Ralston at Custom Sabers: DroDann@cs.com for more information) that lit up were very popular.

When I wasn’t going through all the goodies in the dealer rooms, there were plenty of stars to meet (I heard several of Sci-fi channel’s Farscape crew talk) or bump into. I passed by Kenny Baker (R2D2) outside and held a door for Margaret Weis (author of the Dragonlance books). There were a ton of people to meet and I had only time to hear a handful of people talk. Being a big Star Wars fan, hearing David Prowse (Darth Vader) and Timothy Zahn (author of the Star Wars Heir to the Empire books) talk, was great fun.

But if I could sum up my favorite activity at Dragon*Con into two words, it would be: People watching.

I saw some amazing things. When you walked through the hotel, it’s a bit strange, at first, to see Stormtroopers (with their rifles) walking around. I saw someone dressed as Darth Vader, Imperial Guards, at least twenty Stormtroopers, and multiple Boba Fetts.

The coolest thing was to see the bubble-like, see through elevators in the hotel, rising to the upper levels with Stormtroopers inside. I felt as though I had been dropped into a movie or the biggest masquerade party I had ever attended. But let me get something straight: These costumes weren’t lame. Most of the Stormtrooper ones were handmaid by the 501st. I saw tons of people in costumes—great costumes! Who were these dressed super heroes and villains? Just normal people, like you and I, looking to have some fun. Costumed convention goers posed for pictures like movie stars. But then this gave you cool opportunities like a bunch of elves with swords and bows pretending to fight Cobra members from G.I. Joe.

Or seeing cool comic book characters give each other a head butt or pose for a photo shoot was just pure fun!

Yet if I had thought that I’d seen all the costumes on Friday, how wrong I was! My wife and I were eating dinner in the Hyatt hotel and a mob of people stood around, waiting to take pictures. At one point, Dr. Doom, Rhinoceros, the Scarlet Witch, Doctor Octopus, Black Cat, and Spider-Man came up the escalators to the enjoyment of comic book fans. Batman and Catwoman quickly followed. Some of the more amazing costumes were: Three guys dressed up in the full armor gear of the soldiers in the Final Fortune: The Spirits Within movie, Blade, and the Star Wars folks.

Other costumes such as Chiana from Farscape, Homer Simpson, Spy vs. Spy, Super hero girl, Pan and his S&M women, split girl, Goldmember girl, or “Light Man” were also creative and fun.

farscape.jpg

lightman.jpg

I’ve written about ass man and snoring girl, but chose to leave the best for last. When I say that there were lots of women at the show, I don’t mean virtual women. Several women decided to go for the “boobs on a platter” look (my wife, for the record, coined this term). Imagine a big woman wearing a tight corset with her boobs pushed up and seemingly defying gravity. Some of these women, I’d rather not have seen their boobies hanging out, but then there were women such as Mileena of Mortal Kombat fame
(thank you for wearing a thong and letting me see your butt cheeks) or tape woman (she simply wore silver tape as a top) and white tape angel woman (she only had two white “Xs” of tape over her nipples—the rest of her boobs were there for all to see).

Other women played with the sexual theme. A memorable Tank Girl wore a shirt with two huge missiles for boobs.

Having been to New Orleans and walked down Burbon Street during Spring Break, I just couldn’t believe all the women and all the costumes. People definitely were out to have fun. Goth chicks pranced by in their thongs and see through skirts, followed by someone dressed (and acting) like Beetlejuice. With a four day attendance around 20,000, I think you get the idea. Bands played (Emerald Rose and Tri Destiny), people carried in bags of alcohol (I saw one dude, dressed like a Ranger, drinking an entire bottle of Bacardi Rum), and the freaks kept coming out that night! It was as though everyone had checked their inhibitions at the door. Attendees were out to have a serious party and enjoy themselves. I still can’t believe how fast the two days went. Now I understand why people don’t sleep at Dragon*Con. Having to be up at 5 a.m. this morning, I didn’t get a chance to attend the 2:30 a.m. Goth dance party, but I can imagine, from seeing all the costumes, what it was like.

Although Dragon*Con had its ups and downs for me, I did have a blast. I attended GenCon several years ago and didn’t have much fun. I found the gaming crowd to be really boring. Dragon*Con was filled with people who just wanted to be someone else for four days—without anyone questioning or making fun of them. At GenCon, I felt that people just wanted to play games for four days straight—there weren’t as cool costumes or activities. I thoroughly enjoyed myself at Dragon*Con and would return again. Thank you Atlanta for all the fun!

Quick Sidenote: Some of the conversations I overheard stuck in my head. These two stand out:

• “Don’t you get it? She’s not a swinger!” One girl yelling at another guy.
• “I wonder how many strippers they’ve got in the room?” Three older guys talking among themselves as we headed down an escalator.

I may not have had a chance to play any Magic, but I learned a lot about writing, Con goers, and uninhibited women! What’s the moral of this story? Always bring your Magic cards to a Con, but keep your mind open to learn other games and enjoy yourself outside of the gaming. And one last thing: Always bring your camcorder or digital camera. You never know who or what you’re going to see!