Back in college, my Communications’ professor had us take part in an experiment. She lined us all up in an empty classroom and told us to act funky and goofy as a way of representing different ways people interacted in a dysfunctional family.

Some of my classmates spun in circles, one walked funny, and another talked in a weird voice as she stomped across the room.

On seeing how everyone started to act, I chose to walk away from the group toward the opposite side of the room.

When our professor saw me doing that, she stopped everyone and asked me to share with the class why I had left the group.

At first, I thought I had done something wrong, but I told the truth: While growing up in a multi-generational dysfunctional family (Grandparents, siblings, parent, and children), I’d often withdraw into my creative little world when I couldn’t take the problem du jour.

I still remember an all-out screaming match between my grandfather and grandmother over a bottle of Tylenol. Why they argued so much over something so insignificant is a whole other story.

Even before I lived with my grandparents, I went through some rough times during my mom’s second marriage. But I had my books and still credit Dungeons & Dragons for allowing me to get through the worst of the times.

I shared with my class that my instinct is to walk away from the dysfunctional and do my own thing. At the time, I found this to be a healthy way of not dealing with drama. I simply would walk away.

However, now that I’m older, I’ve found that there have been times in the workplace where there has been dysfunctional behavior taking place (yelling, passive-aggressive behavior, lying, etc.), and my instinct is to avoid the situation like the plague. While that worked well as a kid, that’s not always helpful in either a relationship or at work.

I’ve learned that there is a healthy balance. The adult child of an alcoholic and dysfunctional family part of me wants to withdraw to be safe. That’s why I walked off during the classroom experiment.

The challenge is finding a way to deal with difficult situations when your instinct might want you to run.

Create Safety

In a recent keynote speech that I heard at Project Management Institute’s global conference, Adam Grant shared five tips on having more successful projects. You might think what does this have to do with relationships, but here’s how he framed it:

No matter if we’re at work, school, or at home, we all want the same thing: We want to feel safe and trusted.

Grant urged people to create a safe psychological environment to have more successful projects.

That makes a lot of sense to me. At work, no one wants a boss to yell at you or to be punished for speaking up. He gave a powerful example: During a high-level meeting, the CEO of a company gave a bad pitch presentation to a potential client. A lower-level employee wrote to the CEO and told him that. The amazing thing is that instead of becoming defensive and aggressive, the CEO forwarded the email to the entire company and owned up to having dropped the ball.

The CEO took responsibility for his mistakes and vowed to do better.

The same type of behavior can be applied to your relationships. We all make mistakes. The challenge is to create an environment that’s safe to fail. None of us is perfect. Imagine having a safe environment to discuss difficult topics and where people owned up to their mistakes. How often in a relationship do the defenses come up, and it’s “my side” versus “their side”?

The Changing Dynamics of a Dysfunctional Family

But if you live in an environment where there isn’t psychological safety, trying to convince someone to work with you might not work. The same is true at your job. If people aren’t willing to change the culture and create psychological safety, that’s not going to help you.

When I feel threatened, my two modes of operation are:

• Put on a strong offense to defend myself.

• Withdraw to protect myself.

But imagine the power in living in a safe psychological environment? One in which participants are open, honest, and inviting.

The rules for safe arguing need to agree upon in advance. When someone hits their limit, they can tap out to take some time to regroup and think about their next steps.

With dysfunctional environments, as soon as one person either leaves or changes how they react to a situation, the entire group is affected.

For a dysfunctional family, that will offset everything. It’s like a baby mobile hanging over a crib if you pull on one, the entire mobile shifts and moves.

Coming Out of the Shell

Withdrawing from conflict or a tough situation has helped me, but it’s also hindered my grow at times. What I have been working on is building a safe environment in all my relationships. The challenge is having other people work with you. If there’s fear in any of those environments that’s a motivation to people in the group (let’s say that a boss will flip out if you make a mistake), it’s going to be harder to fix that environment.

However, if all parties agree to work on changing, great things are possible.

For me, I’m working on what I can change in myself. That starts with not running off emotionally any time there’s a problem that comes up. I still need time to process big problems and decisions, but I am working to come back to express how I feel, what my thoughts are, and on listening.

I wish I could say that all of this is easy, but it’s not. Still, the more that we’re aware about ourselves, the better.

My purpose in writing these posts is to share the problems I’ve encountered from having grown up in a dysfunctional family (due to emotional abuse, drugs, and alcohol). Who I am is directly affected by that, and it’s shaped how I respond to different types of problems. The hurt and fear are real and hard to work through.

But the biggest thing is overcoming the shame that I’ve felt over the years. I’m different, but I’ve learned that’s okay.

For me, a big step is being vulnerable. Sharing my story and being honest. If you’ve never seen Brené Brown’s TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability, go check it out. It’ll change your world.

Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.