I give, and I give, and I give and then usually blow up in frustration and need to pull back. I have always been the listener, the diplomat, the peacemaker.

But if I don’t take care of myself, then I’m not useful to anyone.

I like to work behind the scenes, get the job done, do the planning, parse out the tasks, and then make my dream become a reality. I think that’s why I enjoy writing books so much. I can take the work at my pace and know my strengths and weaknesses.

In my family life, I had to take on extra responsibility and started relying on myself at a fairly early age. I accepted the responsibility because I understood that I needed to help out. Work and chores had to get done.

When I went to college, I started working with different people on class projects, and I hated that. I couldn’t believe how unreliable some people were. They didn’t do the work and felt that they were owed to have others cover for them (or they wanted to take credit for my work).

I didn’t have time for that, and so I did the project, took care of myself, and went my way.

A friend of mine once said to me: “That’s not your dog.”

At first, I didn’t understand what she meant, but she talked about a problem we had at work and pointed out that the issue wasn’t my responsibility to fix. Her setting a clear boundary about what she needed to focus on and what she didn’t make sense to me.

I just had never really put setting boundaries into active practice. Normally, I’d go along and be nice and then, like getting stung by a bee, I’d recoil back when I had had too much.

Instead, I began setting up my boundaries at work, friendships, and in my family.

I am, by nature an introvert. Now that doesn’t mean that I’m shy. No, not at all. When I talk in front of a large group of people, I feel drained and not energized. Extroverts get charged up in talking to people. As an introvert, I become tired and need time alone.

By setting boundaries up, I can take care of myself from the get-go. That’s important because if I listen and care too much, I’m not saving any energy and peace for myself.

Over the years I have come across people who talked about their problems constantly. They didn’t want to solve their problems but liked talking about them. They talked just to talk. By setting boundaries, I found a natural and more balanced way to listen (to a point), and then disengage to focus on something else.

Boundaries are important because as you change and grow, the people in your life will take notice.

Sometimes that can be a challenge because friends and family don’t want you to change. They might like using you as a person who will always care. When you pull back, don’t be surprised if there’s some backlash there. What I noticed is that when changes take place, my true friends will understand and accept that I need space.

If you grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family, it’s not uncommon that you’re a people pleaser. You don’t want to see conflict in a situation and want everyone to get along. Unfortunately, not everyone wants to play fair.

Some people want more of your time and energy because they know that they can take advantage of you.

If you set your boundaries early, then you can be extremely clear on where you stand.

A long time ago a person in my life used to try to guilt me into going along on things and meeting up, talking on the phone, and going places. I started to go along to be nice, but after a while, I set my boundaries and took some space. The friend didn’t like this and tried to ratchet up the guilt, but I stayed strong. I took some flack from my friend because they wanted me to play a certain role in their life. But I didn’t want that.

I made it clear that I would be friendly but that I needed to do my own thing and take care of myself.

The friend eventually pulled away because they couldn’t get out of me what they wanted. I stood strong.

This same type of experience in boundary-setting has happened to me not just with friends but also at work. If you’re aware of how to set boundaries, then you’ll be better prepared.

Step one is pretty clear: What do you want to do?

Once you know what that is, then take steps to get to that point of calm. It won’t be easy with some people, but your true friends will accept you for taking the space you need. And if this happens on the job, sometimes it’s important to say no because it sets a precedent on how far you’re willing to go (and lets people see that you’re not a pushover).

Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.