What is that most moment that you look back to as a kid that just stays with you?

For me, it’s being a little kid sitting at the table having dinner. My father comes home from work, and he gets upset at what my mom has made. I remember him saying that he worked all day and came home to have a crappy meal.

I froze, and a bolt of fear shot through me.

My mom did not confront him, but my father’s anger went from 0 to 60 in just a few seconds. He threw back the kitchen chair that went across the room and stormed out.

I don’t remember eating the rest of my dinner, but I do remember going outside on my bigwheel.

I felt shame that I didn’t know what I could do to help my mom.

Of course, it’s easy for me to tell myself now that there’s nothing I could have done as a kid.

But at the moment, that’s not what I felt. I drove my big wheel up the block. I heard kids playing across the street, but I just went up and down the block on my bigwheel and listened as I crunched the fallen leaves underneath the wheels.

The kids across the street were laughing and having a good time, and I felt so lost, scared, and a deep sense of shame. There was something wrong with my family. And since I was part of the family, that meant that there was something wrong with me.

I didn’t know what that was. I didn’t know how to express it, but I could feel the shame in every atom of my body.

That is what shame does to you.

Best selling author and shame research Brené Brown defines shame as: "the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging."

Her advice is to reach out and to be brave. To share our story and our shame with those we trust helps to lead us to the path of healing.

That’s one of the key points that: Share with a trusted therapist or friend.

The rough times that I grew up with have helped set how I react in a crisis. And when I peel away all those feelings of my childhood, I expose the shame. Shame that I couldn’t stop what happened in my family and to my mother, but also shame that I would grow up and be like my father.

That fear, mixed with anger, and shame is a poisonous concoction that tried to keep me down.

To overcome shame, I find these tools to help me:

• Journaling. When I write my feelings out, I can be sure that my emotions are released in a safe and respected space.

• Talking. I have talked with loved ones and therapists who have been kind enough to help guide me and listen to my stories.

• Let go. The stories of my past are a broken record that keeps skipping and tries to lock me in the past. It would be easy to allow my past stories to stop me from growing. But if I were to allow that, then I would never grow.

Life is cyclical, and there are times when I am strong and times when I am weak. When I am weak, the old shame stories come back to haunt me. That is when I need to take the skills that I have learned and put them into practice.

If you’re looking for my help in overcoming shame, I recommend watching Brown’s TED talk “Listening to Shame” and picking up a copy of her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.

I have found both to be of great help.

Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.

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