There will be a day when the people who hurt you pass on. Maybe it’s a parent, a sibling, or a dear friend. If you grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family like me, the pain that you carry with you can last decades. The specter of the past lives within, hides, and then comes out when I’m tired, weak, and afraid.

I had an opportunity to reconcile with my father many years ago. We lead separate lives, but I had the opportunity to ask him the difficult questions that I always wanted to ask. Why? Why? Why?

The answers I received shed some light on why he acted the way he did, but what I realized is that no matter what he said or did, there was no way to go back and reclaim all those lost years. He made choices that separated himself from my brother and me. We grew up without a father. There is no way to go back and redo those moments.

I had a difficult time accepting that fact. I fought against the pain because it was easier to wield hatred and anger. I felt superior because of my hatred. I had been wronged. I deserved restitution. I deserved to be given back my missed years.

But that never happened.

And when I talked to my father, and I listened to him, I realized that he struggled with his own problems. He had his own demons that he had fought with and lost. That didn’t make right the wrongs that he had committed, but listening to him made me realize that the only reconciliation for the past years that I had lost would come from me. Only from within.

I needed to let go of my hatred and fear.

When people die and they are no longer there to speak for themselves, our memories of them will be all that we have left. We will be struggling with demons and shades of the past for the rest of our days unless we choose to let go of the hate. We can define ourselves by pointing fingers and blaming. We can remain the victim, or we can take the harder path and reconcile with our past.

Some might never have the opportunity to reconcile with those who harmed them. Some may never want to because the people who hurt them are still in denial.

Reconciliation starts within. When you reconcile with yourself and accept the pain that you went through, and know in every fiber of your being that what happened to you was not your fault. Once you take that step, you become a survivor.

And the world will change for you in a multitude of ways.

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