I want to share with you the struggles that I’m going through so that you can see that you are not alone on your journey. I am having a difficult time going through my days as I’m trying to figure out what to do in my life.

My family and I are currently in quarantine due to the Coronavirus pandemic, and we are scheduled to be like this for at least the next three weeks. I’m worried about my job, don’t know what will be happening with my kids’ school for the fall or when I can see my mom and hug her.

At the moment, we’re sheltered at home and only go out to get some exercise, grocery shopping, and I go to my mom’s to drop off food to her.

The future is unknown. People across America are wanting to open up their states and to go back to work, but health experts are urging caution against stores opening up too soon.

A lot of people are frustrated, scared, and tired of dealing with the pandemic.

Why am I sharing this with you?

We are living in unprecedented times. No one has all the facts. I am trying to make the best decisions I can for my family so that we can stay healthy.

Take all of this as a big unknown and add the backdrop of the pandemic to my journey on building skills to help me with overcoming the behavioral patterns I learned in living in an alcoholic and dysfunctional home.

I’m doing my best to apply the skills that I’m learning to be my best self under such strain, anxiety, and fear.

I never expected that I would be dealing with such problems in my lifetime. Although I can’t control what’s happening in the world, I can choose how I respond to pressure and stress.

Last night I mentioned to my family over dinner that I’m struggling with wanting to eat dessert each night. Having so many empty calories and sugar each night is not healthy for me, but I’ve allowed myself to slip in this area because I see it as a tiny vice. But I’m working to pull back on having dessert every night to only two or three nights a week.

I’m seeing the news and have heard of increases in domestic violence and substance abuse during the quarantine. People are struggling. I’m struggling, as are the other members of my family.

I have decided to let go and let God.

I can’t control what’s going to happen with the pandemic. I can only do my best with my behaviors (wearing a mask when I go to the grocery store, washing my hands, and practicing social distancing). I also can be mindful of my behaviors in how I deal with stress, work hard to not lash out at people, and to be mindful of what the others in my family are feeling.

There have been good days and hard ones.

There have been times in which I wake up in the middle of the night in fear. I’m worried about what my family is going through amid so many companies furloughing or laying people off.

I’m doing my best to focus on the skills I need to help me. There is no special or magical secret that I have or that I’m not sharing with you.

I meditate, exercise, write in my journal, practice mindfulness, and continue to be open to learning new things by listening to podcasts and reading self-help books. I need all of this to help me deal with all that my family and I are living through during the pandemic.

But the hardest thing is not being able to tell my kids what the future will bring. I don’t know when they’ll be able to hug their grandmothers again or go play with their friends or when life will “go back to normal.”

Our lives might be changed for the next year to eighteen months (until we have a vaccine).

This is what I know: I pray for my family to be safe, and I want to do my best to be there for my family during this crisis.

But first, I have to take care of myself and deal with my feelings. I can’t model good behavior for my kids unless I’m doing the work to help myself.

Some days I feel horrible and scared. Some days my patience is short. Some days I lose hope.

This is what I want to share with you: Life isn’t always going to be rosy. Being on this lifelong journey means that there are ups and downs. I’m doing my best to handle the pandemic as best I can. It’s messy, confusing, tiring, and sometimes I feel blind.

Each day I recommit to doing the work I need to do to keep me healing and strong. And when I fall, I apologize, get up, and ask God for strength.

This is where I am today. I can’t see tomorrow. I can only see it today.

Only today.

Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.