We all make mistakes. And if we have any relationships, we will at some point hurt someone else’s feelings. If you go back and remember how problems were resolved in your alcoholic or dysfunctional family, you might see patterns arise. Instead of admitting wrong, someone in the family may have become defensive, and then went on the offense. Fights, yelling, and unresolved conflicts are common in dysfunctional families.

But we are adults now and we have the freedom to make different choices.

The question is: How will you handle making a mistake?

I follow Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous’ Twelve steps and have found great solace in steps 8 and 9:

• Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

• Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Are these steps difficult? Yes, they are. When you think through and put a list together of the people you have harmed, there’s a tendency to want to make amends to help yourself. Maybe you want to contact someone because you feel guilty about something that you’ve done or you want to check in on an ex-boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. It’s easy to pretend that you want to make amends with someone but then have a hidden agenda.

Sometimes a “direct amends” is simply respecting the space that the person asked for you instead of trying to make contact with them to “apologize.”

It’s easy to remember the “made direct amends” part but we might gloss over the “except when to do so would injure them or others.”

I would suggest taking time to think through the reasons why you put people on your amend list and be honest on why you want to contact them to make amends. In our minds, we are the center of the universe, but that’s not the case on how others see the world.

In the immediate sphere of influence around me, when I make a mistake, I take time to reflect, apologize to the person, and then actively work on changing my behavior. If I think back to people I haven’t seen in years or decades, then I’m much more cautious about contacting them. I have found that respecting space and boundaries is more important than apologizing. Contacting someone out of the blue after not seeing them for many years is a bit odd if you stop to think about it. I cannot know what is the best course of action is for you in making amends. Through reflection and time, you will know what to do.

What I find to be helpful is to have empathy and put myself in another person’s shoes. How would I feel if someone whom I hadn’t seen in years contacted me? Happy, confused, or sad?

Making amends is an important part of clearing the past and making room for a new future. By recognizing any unhealthy behavior patterns we have (again, read the Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous laundry list), honestly making amends to those we have hurt, we can move forward on a path to a more healthy life.

Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.