I remember lying in my bed and feeling like the world had broken apart and my heart with it. My first girlfriend had broken up with me and had basically dumped me for someone else. At 17 and having grown up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family, getting over that hurt took a lot of time and I had no clue how best to do it.

The thing that I never understood back then is that I thought that being in love (with a romantic partner or a job) was everything. By giving all of myself, I would find completeness in someone (or something) outside of myself.

Cracked at the foundation, I kept pouring my love and energy into trying to fix something else. I didn’t see that I needed to be complete as an individual before I coupled with another person.

Society teaches us many lessons: We need to be the best parent, worker, spouse, sibling, child—and that we need to be there for everyone and everything. It’s simply not possible and not healthy.

You can work until you can’t work anymore, and still your job won’t complete you. How often do mothers (and fathers) put their children first? They get up with them in the middle of the night, feed and clothe them, and sacrifice their time and energy to be the best parents they can be? Mothers tend to do this to such an extent that they lose their individuality. They become “mom.” Their identity changes, and over the years mothers can forget their own dreams and needs.

How we handle a breakup can be a symptom of a larger problem. If we are so devastated by the loss of a relationship, a job, or our role as a mother (when the kids leave the house to move on with their lives), then we are perpetuating the dysfunctional and emotional drainage that we grew up with in our childhood homes.

What took me years to figure out is the importance of taking care of myself when I am in a relationship and when I’m not. And when I’m working, I need to create (and keep strong) boundaries between my working and family lives. The secret is that taking time to strengthen yourself makes you a better partner and coworker. When we are always on full throttle, we will eventually burnout. We’ll crash and burn.

What breakups are you struggling with in your life? How you broke up with your self and not giving yourself time to nurture and feed your spirit? When have you last laughed and done something fun on your own? What are your hobbies? Cultivate your joy and love by making time for yourself. Carve out that time as it’ll help strengthen you in times of need.

Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.