I know that some people who are in a new relationship think that arguing means that the relationship has failed and that the only path forward is to break up.

I grew up in the opposite environment: There were arguments all the time. Hot and heavy arguments with nasty things being said. The disagreements would flare up quickly, burn bright like the sun, and later in the day moods would have settled, and everything would go back to normal.

If you grew up in either of the extremes (your parents argued all the time with nasty yelling and screaming matches or they never fought and the repression that they both exercised could create a neutron star), chances are that you struggle with how to have a disagreement with friends, family, or your partner.

I can admit that I’ve failed often in my arguments. I’ve blamed others, become defensive, and have thrown the rules of fair fighting out the window.

An argument is not a means to prove who is right and to punish the other person. It’s also not a time to list out all the mistakes that the person has made in the past and lay it out for them to prove what a screw up they are.

Having fair rules for arguing is essential to any relationship, and unfortunately, my family did not have any rules or follow any guidelines. It was the wild west and there were lots of causalities.

To argue fairly, I recommend that you set some ground rules:

1. Focus on remaining calm.

2. Use “I” statements instead of “you".

3. Avoid accusations and a laundry list of past grievances.

4. Agree on when to have a “time out.”

5. Listen to your partner and don’t try to get the next word in.

When you focus on listening to another and are open to truly being willing to come to the table to resolve the conflict, that’s the best time to talk. If you’re looking to get cheap shots in, disparage, and name call, then the resolution will only escalate and neither party will feel better.

When you go about your day, think about how you’ve argued in the past. Has it been fair? How would you feel if someone used the same tactics on you during the next argument?

Just because our parents may not have had good arguing skills does not mean that we can’t learn and be opened to change.

If you’re willing, there’s a way.

Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.