Let Go and Be Free
Discover tips on self-healing, overcome a dysfunctional childhood and find happiness.
Do you want to give up? Are you tired, exhausted, and have had enough?
If we look back at the last year, I don’t even know where to begin. It’s funny because I thought that 2020 was going to be such a great year. And maybe it is for some, but for tens of millions of people, this year has brought the coronavirus pandemic, more than 56 million Americans have lost their jobs, protests in the streets, and a presidential election campaign like no other.
If I could go back and talk with my younger self, I would tell him to stop taking crap from other people. When you grow up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family, you probably went down either the hyper responsible road or you decided not to be responsible. Or maybe you flip-flop between these two states depending on the situation.
I knew at an early age that I wanted to grow up and be a father. Although my father wasn’t there for me, I wanted to have kids and to be a father. I didn’t want to be a distant father but wanted to make certain that my kids had me there in their lives. The choice of whether to become a parent is not an easy one.
If alcoholism and dysfunction marred your childhood, there’s a moment when you need to make a decision on whether being a parent is right for you. Maybe you decided not to become a parent, and maybe you did.
I’ve heard all sorts of stories over the years, and it’s pretty much the same thing. A child of an alcoholic dreads going home for the holidays or taking in an alcoholic parent when they get older.
Time and time again, the person tries their best to move on with their life, but eventually gets sucked back into the drama, the dysfunction, and chaos. How do you interact with your alcoholic parent?
When you arrive at the door of success, do you walk through it? Or are you afraid? When you are presented with new opportunities, what will you decide to do?
We are often more comfortable with dysfunction because that’s how we grew up. When situations are normalized and we have an opportunity to grow and be free, the temptation to fall back on the tried-and-true responses from our childhood can be strong.
Each day we have a choice on how to handle the smallest of things. Over time, the choices add up to affect the rest of our family.
Do you stay up way past midnight to meet a work deadline and sacrifice your sleep?
Do you swallow your anger when you hear from an alcoholic parent who tries to pull you into their drama?
Sometimes it’s a good idea to take a step back, reassess, and then start over again. Our recovery from growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family is a lifelong process. How we handle ourselves under pressure, stress, and challenges can be tested on a daily basis.
On a personal level, I had a difficult last few days. I’m looking for a new job and living through the coronavirus pandemic. I’ve been stressed out, tired, and feeling overwhelmed.
Science has shown that hugging is good for you, but when was the last time you’ve given someone a hug? As we get older, adults tend to hug less and less. I wonder why that is.
When I look back on my life, I don’t remember when my father last hugged me. I grew up in an Italian family, and the women in my family always gave great hugs. Although my grandmother has passed on more than 17 years ago, I can close my eyes and still feel her hugs. My mother is also a good hugger.
Today’s work might be harder than you think. Go to a mirror, look in, and say, “I forgive myself.”
Say the words, mean them, and look yourself right in the eye.
I look back at my life and shake my head at some of the stupid things I did. I argued with people I loved because I didn’t want to be abandoned. I clung on to unhealthy relationships because I didn’t want to be alone. I lashed out at family members and projected my anger onto them. The list goes on and on.
Two nights ago I sat at my computer and worked on my next book when suddenly I heard a loud noise from outside. I rushed downstairs and sat that an enormous branch had broken off from the massive tree on my lawn. Thankfully, no one was hurt. With the sun having set my family and I came inside and I tried not to think about how much money it would cost to have the debris taken away.
I remember lying in my bed and feeling like the world had broken apart and my heart with it. My first girlfriend had broken up with me and had basically dumped me for someone else. At 17 and having grown up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family, getting over that hurt took a lot of time and I had no clue how best to do it.
Part of the tenets of the twelve steps of Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous is surrendering to a higher power. The second step is:
“Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
Over the years I have spoken with others who are on their road to recovery and healing, who do not believe in God. I am not here to try to convince you one way or another. What works for me may not work for you.
