I wish that I could say that there is an easy path for someone who grew up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family. But I can say this: There are definite steps you can take to help yourself.
When I look back at my life, I see that there are some positive choices that I made that helped put me on a different path.
I decided to go to college and learn. Education is key to me. No matter my age, I believe in learning for life.
I also chose to go to counseling and to attend Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous (ACOA) meetings. And from there, I adopted living and working the twelve steps.
If you’re not familiar with the twelve steps, they can be hard for some as they mention “God.” What I’ve seen and read over the years, is that if you don’t believe in God, then substitute the “God” for a higher power.
(I’ve heard people say that the process of letting go of something beyond them is extremely helpful. So no matter if you believe in God or don’t, I do hope you try reading through the steps.)
What I found so challenging at first is to look at life from a different perspective and to work the steps. Some of the hardest (step 9: making amends to people who have wronged) can seem overwhelming at first. But the beauty of the twelve steps is that you don’t have to do them all at once. Typically, you’ll start at one, work your way through, fall back down to one, and then onward and upward again. You work them at your own pace.
When I look back at my first few ACOA meetings, I felt so happy to have found other people who understood me and did not judge. And my sponsor was such a kind and patient man. After we had known each other for a while, we’d end our sessions with a hug. But he’d say, “Don’t give some a man hug.” (He’d demonstrated by pounding on my back while giving a quick hug.
Instead, he gave a normal hug that was authentic and meaningful.
As a boy, I didn’t have a male role model who gave me hugs. I’d get some quick ones from my grandfather, but he wasn’t known for his affection. (Now as an adult, I make certain that I give hugs to both of my children.)
I remember how lost I felt back before I went to a therapist or had started the twelve steps.
And I look back now and see all that I’ve learned, but understand the need to continue to grow, learn, and put effort into becoming a better person.
It’s the same sort of work one does with a relationship. Marriages or long-term relationships take work. Listening, spending time together, talking, etc. Taking control of your life from having lived in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family also takes work.
I look at this way: To be fully present in a relationship, I must work on myself. I need to take care of “me” before I can take care of “us.”
I’m a ban proponent of Brené Brown’s work. I’ve seen how she’s risen to be a powerful force for good. But what I didn’t know is that she had a drinking problem. More than 20 years ago, she stopped drinking and smoking. I don’t know if she follows the twelve steps or not, but if you’ve not read any of her books, I highly recommend them.
Her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are is a great place to start. What I like about Brown’s work is that she is not only relatable, but her books are accessible and helpful. There are dozens upon dozens of people that you read and get help from, but I trust Brown.
And if you have Netflix, be sure to watch her show Call to Courage.
What I learned is that I am not alone. Many people have struggled with overcoming their dysfunctional upbringings. Repeating patterns of destructive behavior in relationships, walling themselves off from love, being unable (or unwilling) to trust others—the list goes on and on.
If you want to take control of your life and be free, I remember how overwhelming it all felt. But, as with any path, the first step is only deciding to start and then putting one foot in front of the other.
You are not alone. There are so many great people in the world who can support and love you. I hope you see that.
Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog. Please note that there are affiliate hyperlinks used on this page and that I receive a small percentage of sales if you choose to purchase. I only recommend items that I have found helpful and useful, and am passing them on to you to help. Thank you!