Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 21 (Give up the negative self-talk and dream big)

In this episode, I talk about letting go of the past.

The negativity that we grew up might still with us today. Do you put yourself down or hear negative thoughts?

When we hear the "you're not good enough," or "you're stupid" or the "you're not pretty enough" talk, learning to overcome those voices is essential if we're looking to life a healthier and happier life.

Want to learn more? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.

I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.

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Transcript

Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of The let go and be free series for adult children of alcoholics. On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts, just stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child. Together, we'll shine a light to dispel any shame you might feel about your upbringing, and learn practical tips that will help you live a healthier life. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com. And welcome to this week's show.

This week, I wanted to focus a little bit on the negative self talk that many of us struggle with, and the importance of dreaming big. When I was growing up, I grew up basically in the 70s, and was a teenager in the 80s. And when I look back and think about those times, obviously things are so much different than the way things are now there's just so much in culture and technology and just in the world itself has changed.

You know, some of that some of the most basic things of how we communicate it, you know, we didn't have cell phones back then didn't have an easy way to be able to, you know, communicate and find out instantly what her friends were doing, you know, across the world, and I had a pen pal. And I would write to her, and it would take, you know, a week to get the letter back. And that's if she wrote, you know, wrote right away back to me. And I think about that. And now when you take on the pressures of social media, and you know, everybody's sharing everything at all times, you know, Facebook, and Instagram and Tiktok, and snap, and all the other things that are out there.

And I want to take a step back and go back to an earlier time and basically share, you know my story in that in growing up struggling and trying to figure out who I was, how do I grow? How do I grow beyond, you know, the family circumstances of alcohol and, you know, drugs and abuse and all kinds of horrible things that happen within my family? How did I overcome that? And, you know, the honest truth is that I still feel that parts of me struggle with that till today. And that's been decades, you know, go.

And I say that not to, you know, be depressive, or, you know, say that there's no hope that that's not what I'm saying. It's just, I've learned that the more that I tried to cut out the past, or to pretend it didn't happen, the more that I struggled with it. So this episode, you know, I wanted to focus on the power of how it's important to stop that negative self talk within your head. And the importance of dreaming big, and what I mean by dreaming big. I mean, like, see beyond what you think you could do. You know, growing up, I was told, you know, you're you're, you know, you're going to stay here in this city, you're not going to go beyond it.

You know, you should do these particular things in life, because that's what everybody else has done. And, you know, I saw how my mother struggled, and trying to like find work and, you know, bring enough money to be able to pay for bills for my brother and I, I, you know, just had so much negativity all around me. And I didn't understand what good like a good marriage was. I didn't understand what a good relationship was. I tried to emulate things that I saw on television, and movies, because I figured, well, you know, that's what I guess true love has to be. I tried so many different things. And I just felt like I kept failing and failing and failing. And would that negative self talk, talk within our heads? Often it's those that we grew up with, if it was a dysfunctional family, typically there was someone in the family that was drinking or using drugs and taking out their anger or their own.

I guess desires have, you know, and realizing that they were failing out on other people in the family, and lashing out at others, or, worse, repressive, Lee being passive aggressive, and like sabotaging everybody in the family to kind of pull everybody down. And so the whole family, you know, switches over to the left. And you may have grown up with a voice saying things to you, you know, hearing the voice in your head of, you're not good enough, you're not going to be able to succeed, you can't do that, you know, you must know your place, you're not pretty enough, you're not strong enough, you're this, you're that.

And those voices, if we listen to them, they're going to keep us trapped, locked, unhappy, dissatisfied, frustrated, and probably angry. So when I talk about that negative self talk, it really is important to notice it.

Do that acknowledgement, and then come up with ways of overcoming that. So for me, I remember, and I've told this story, before I look back, and I remember, there was a time where my mom and I were playing Monopoly. And I guess I kept losing, I can't remember how old I was, I just remember that I was pretty young. And I was getting so frustrated, like, I wanted to win this game. You know, and I guess I wanted to quit. And my mom said to me, you know, don't quit, focus on the importance of being able to, you know, move forward. And she said, remember that little choo choo train in the book that says, I know, I can't, I know, I can't, I know, I can think that in your head. And for whatever reason, that message stuck, and I focused on that. And anytime I would get frustrated, I would, you know, do the I know I can, I know I can't, I know I kind of gotta focus in or move forward, I'm going to do this positive thing. And, you know, over time, was able to build up the strength to be able to say, if I'm going through this difficult time, I can push through, I can use this ability, you know, I guess willpower to be able to go forward. But then I learned that not. Willpower isn't everything, you know, just because you want to do something, this isn't necessarily it's going to be good for you.

And it's also important to be able to have that balance of taking time to rest.

So, when I was growing up, I was the first one in my family that went to college. First one that went on to graduate school, and hands down, when I look back, you know what my life, if there's one thing that I can credit that helped me get out of that trap circumstance of growing up from a dysfunctional family, it was education, education, in my opinion, is the single best thing that I did to be able to help myself. And when I say education, yes, for me, that meant college, and graduate school. And that allowed me to get, you know, good job, solid career. But it also taught me things of interpersonal communications, like I actually had an interpersonal communication class in college that helped me understand like family dynamics. And I, that was really helpful took a psychology class, like things that helped me understand what was going on inside my head. And I was an English literature major, and a French major. I like studying culture. I like studying people like studying, you know, various different works of art, literary works of art. And the reason why is I like the characters. I like seeing the family dynamics, I was able to delve into those characters and understand what motivated them. Why did they do what they did? How do they rise above that?

You know, and how can I apply some of that to my own life, things that I can learn, but outside of the book, learning what was so important to me, you know, going beyond high school and going into college was the connections that I made with people, the friendships that I made, the volunteer work, the extracurricular activities of being on a literary magazine for a little while I was on the college newspaper, you know, the fringe club like things that allowed me to grow above and beyond.

And, you know, once the doors started opening for me, and I realized, wait a minute, I don't have to be stuck and live the same kind of life, you know, that my family did, I could grow beyond that I can do different things I can move out of the city moved to another city, you know, I can learn, I can apply, I can travel, I can do so many different things. Whereas in the past, I didn't see those.

Like, those limitations, were were kind of stuck and pulling me down. So by educating myself, that allowed me to meet different people, people from different walks of life, different cultures, different races, and every time that I met somebody, or had a different class, learn different things, it was opening doors that I didn't even know could be open, I didn't even know that those doors existed. And it all for me was because of education. So, you know, once I went to college, and I've a typical story in that, you know, when I was young, I found it difficult to understand what was a healthy relationship, my first relationship, you know, I threw myself into that relationship, thinking that I was going to marry this person, she and I were going to be in love forever, and I just didn't understand what I was doing. And, you know, when, you know, she broke up with me and started seeing somebody else and broke up with me, I was very upset, I was despondent, I felt lost, I felt confused. And I didn't understand, you know, what I was supposed to be doing, where I was supposed to be going, I just like fuddling along with life.

And that happened, you know, at the end of high school. And for me, I had always thrown myself into school, you know, learning was my way of getting out of the dysfunction that I, you know, was living in. And I started taking college classes, there was a program that I was able to take some college classes when I was still a senior in high school. And so I had these credits, that I was able to go and take these classes, and again, meet people that were 20 plus years older than me and interact with people in class, and I had a great time, I loved it. But then when the, you know, dating started and the relationship broke, it was right before I was supposed to start for college. And I just felt so broken and just upset, didn't know what I needed to do. And I just had no clue what I was doing. And I remember applying for local college. And again, at this time, no one in my family had ever gone to college. So I didn't know what to do. I applied to one college, I got in, and I had my roster. And I was going to start in the fall. And I was going to be ready to go. And I was short $5,000.

And I was told that I could take out more loans than the loans that I was already going to have to take out. And I just I was like, I can't do that. I just can't. And so I will at one point, I wasn't going to go to college.

And you know, I think my family was they wanted me to go to college, but it wasn't like I was getting help wasn't like I was getting financial help. wasn't like I was getting assistance of like, oh, well, here's what you need to do. You know, you need to figure this out, you need to talk to the registrar, you need to talk to financial aid, like I had no help, I had no clue what I was doing. So it was the summertime. And school was going to start you know, at the end of August. And I remember calling up the school that I had taken the college classes when I was in high school. And I said I'm I like to go here, and they're like, Well, you already have some credits. So sure. And, you know, they gave me a little bit of financial aid, so I wasn't going to have to, you know, take out an additional $5,000 loan, I still have loans to take out.

But I started going to that school, you know, in the in that fall semester, right after high school. And that was one of the best things that I could have done, you know, for myself. And at the time, you know, when I when I think back of how lost and confused and hurt I was from the breakup and I just you know, I look back and I hate to say but I felt I feel sorry for that past self. You know, sorry, in the sense that I didn't have enough. I don't want to say you know, self confidence, but I didn't have any belief in myself and like self esteem. I just felt like I was lost, alone, confused, and just didn't know where I was going. And college didn't necessarily solve all my problems, but it sure as hell opened up some doors for me to allow me to better understand what was going on, you know, in my life.

And this was all before I figured out and learned about adult children of alcoholics, you know, the sessions that I can go to the meetings, reading books, I just didn't know anything. Like I didn't even know that existed. I knew that there was a, and I had heard about 12 steps, but I didn't know what they were. I just had no clue. The most interaction I had ever had with any that was when I was in high school. My girlfriend her one of our co workers, was dating somebody who was in AAA, and I just knew that he had these keychains. And like, he had been there, whatever, three months, whatever. And he got some keychain. And it was like a three month thing. And I didn't understand, like, what was that about? He was okay, I guess he hasn't been drinking for three weeks. That's great. But why is he getting a keychain? Like I was clueless, I had no idea.

And when I think back about that negative self talk, at that time, before I had made a decision to go to college, it was just, you know, see, nobody loves you. She broke up with you, she cheated on you, you know, you're useless, you're this, you're that see everything that your family has said about, you know, you, you know, it was true. And it was just, it was just terrible. And I, I just didn't know what to do. But when I did open myself up to education, and to learning and to dreaming bigger of thinking like, No, I can get this degree, you know, I was an English major, like, what was I going to do with an English degree, like, I didn't know I maybe teach, maybe be a college professor, like I, you know, I had wanted to be either an astronomer, a novelist, or a college professor. And I want to be none of those things. But the education helped me to understand, like, what I was good at, and I was good in certain things. And as my self esteem grew, I was able to better understand my public persona with my private persona. And that's, you know, basically, when you go to work, or you deal with people in the public, you typically act a certain way. And then when you're with yourself, you might act a different way. Maybe you're more outgoing, when you're around other people, or maybe you're not, it really depends. But the education, again, wasn't just about the book learning, it was about understanding my boundaries, and understanding my limits, and understanding that I could make new friends. And people did like me for who I was. And there were opportunities for me to go to college. And so they after that, you know, first two years, I realized that I really enjoyed learning another language with French and I enjoyed French culture. And my teacher at the time had said, there's a program, you can study three weeks abroad.

And it's going to cost X amount, you could apply for this scholarship. And if you do, you can get like $500 off, I applied, I got the scholarship, and I was like, This is awesome. I can go to France. And I remember talking, you know, to my grandfather, and basically asking him, you know, will you please lend me the money? It was close to $5,000, which again, back in, I guess that was 1990 as a lot of money. And he said no, and I've told the story before, but it's like this critical moment in my in my upbringing. You know, he said, No, everything that you need is in the city. You don't need to go anywhere. And I said, but I want to go. And he's overall, you know, whatever. And he just went off. So I did talk to my mom, she was able to cosign the loan for me for my, you know, credit union. And I was able to get the money.

And I paid every dime of that back. But the important thing is, I did go on that trip, I was able to overcome the inner self negative talk of, well, you're not good enough. See, if it was meant to be it would have worked, you know, somebody would have helped you. Nobody wants to help you. And I realized that nobody was going to help me. I had to help myself. And it helped myself to get into college, and help myself figuring out all the financial aid forms to apply and figure it out. I had to pull myself up and say, hey, if I want to grow and grow beyond what I learned as a kid, I need to try, I need to go forward and make mistakes and pick myself up and keep trying. So when I went to France, and studied for those three weeks, that summer of 1990, the thing that I found so amazing is that I had gone to college locally at commuter college. So I stayed at home, long days where I would get up, I go to school by like, I think 830 was my first class. And then Monday, Wednesday, Fridays, and Saturdays, and every other Sunday, I worked, so worked around 25 hours or so we get a part time job in retail. And I put in a lot of time between studying school, and work. And that was pretty much my life, you know, seeing some friends, you know, at night or on the weekends. And that was it. So when I went to France, and I had classes during the day, and some of our sessions, you know, we'd go to class, and the professor would say, go figure out how to get to the Eiffel Tower, and then write about it. Good luck.

It was such a different, different experience, because I realized, one, I met a roommate, and I never roomed with anybody before, I'd always live with my brother, we'd always shared a room.

Now I had a roommate from, you know, Texas, and he and I got along great. And I realized that no one had any preconceived notion of who I was, nobody knew my history, or my background, or my baggage, I could be and do whatever I wanted to be. And that was it. So the friends that I made there, and the fun that I had, it was, it was amazing, and that doors opened.

And I just had this wonderful sense of feeling free, that there wasn't any self negative talk, it was simply, you're here to learn. And you're here to have fun. And you're here to experience a different culture, eat different food, see museums, go places.

The the opportunities, you know, that came to me by, you know, being younger and writing stories, and I remember writing stories or this vampire story about, you know, vampire that was in Paris, and, you know, buy the Eiffel Tower. And I had to do that all from a picture that I had of the Eiffel tower that I had on the wall, you know, in my basement. And when I got there and actually saw it, I was like, Oh, I've got the depth perception like this is totally like, where I thought this, you know, one museum was in relation to the Eiffel Tower was totally off, like, just things that I just was clueless about.

And then I just had such fun in doing things that I never anticipated. I have a memory of being in Saint Chapelle, a church in Paris, is this wonderfully old church with these tall stained glass windows, and it was sunset, we were brought there, our class.

And I remember sitting in the pews. And there was a string quartet that they brought out, and they were playing this classical music, as the sun is coming down, and the light is streaming through the stained glass windows, and I'm seeing blue and orange and red and just just amazing colors. And I'm looking around, and I'm thinking, this is actually happening. Like, this is real, like, I'm actually here, right now, I'm not stuck back at home, sharing a tiny room, you know, with my brother, I'm doing something that I could not even have imagined I could ever do. Because I just never dreamed big. I just thought, well, you know, in the past, this is who I am. And I'm stuck with this in the sense of like, the boundaries, the world around me, you're going to grow up, you're going to, you know, get this type of job. And that's just the way it is. Whereas that's not true. I was able to say, wait a minute, I want to go and learn. And I want to go experience another culture and I want to meet other people. And by doing that, I realized that there are circumstances and joy that can just spontaneously be by being and being vulnerable.

By allowing myself the opportunity to make mistakes. So what I've learned, you know, over time, is that I've seen, you know, when I look at the world around me, I see often that people who grew up in tough situations, some choose violence, you know, some choose to deny what happened to them, repress it, and then some embrace it, and then realize how they can grow beyond it. And they can become full people, full in the sense that they realize that who they were, is part of who they are now. And they embrace that and love that part of them, and then grow beyond that and say, we're not stuck. They're the voices in our head of people saying, You're not good enough, or you're ugly, or you're stupid, or you're this or you're that, a lot of times, people were doing that to kind of keep us in control, or to make themselves feel better, because that's how they felt about themselves, because maybe that's how their parents treated them, or their friends, or whomever. And, by me taking that step, questioning that, again, getting back to that child, parental and adult voice I talked about in one of the early episodes of this podcast, and if you haven't heard it, I'll say it again. But I do recommend you go back and listen to the early episodes, the child voices, you know, I want this or whatever is being told to me is true. You know, I want this candy now, or it's true that I'm stupid.

And then the parent voice is, you know, you can't have that candy. Now you have to eat your dinner. First. You need to accept your responsibilities and pay your bills and do this. And the adult voice is the tricky one that you have to build over time is, is it true? Is it healthy? Is it true that I'm stupid? Is it true, that I'm ugly? Is it true? That I'm unworthy of love. And then you start to build off of that and you say, wait a minute, I am good, I am happy. I can do things. I can grow beyond, I can learn. And it doesn't matter who you are, where you are, how old you are, it doesn't matter any of that. I mean, I was in a class where I had a 70 something year old guy that was attending the class. And he graduated with my class, he had been taking classes for years and just was taking them to take them. And then finally he had gotten enough credits. And then he got his degree. And if something he had always wanted to do and didn't think he could ever do, and he was the nicest guy, our whole class, we just love this guy. And that's the kind of experience, you know that I had an understanding that not everything is what it seems that negative self talk can keep us down can trap us and to lock us into place. And then we just get into that mode of I am not going to go beyond this. Yes, I am useless. Or I'm stupid, or I'm this room that it's very difficult to learn the skills to get above those negative thoughts about oneself or about a circumstance everything is bad.

You know, the world is burning because of you know, the wildfires and gun violence and, you know, disease war and i Yes, yes, all that is true. But there's also what things can you do at the local level with yourself, start and build that foundation today. And that's why I'm you know, talking about therapy, or journal writing, or going to the adult child of, you know, alcoholic meetings, learning the 12 steps, whatever is going to advance you that is healthy for you focus on that, build up those little building blocks over time. And again, it's never too late. You know, I've I've seen people be at meetings and they're in their 60s. And they keep going because they realize it helps them and they enjoy it. And it allows them to build relationships with other people and allows them to talk about their past in a safe way that allows them to kind of look and reflect inwardly, put those feelings out on the table, process them and say I'm gonna grow beyond those. I don't always have to be that way.

So when I look back, you know, and I think about various points of my life, you know, France and going to Paris, like for those three weeks is a critical thing for me. And again, I understand, you know, it's privileged, privileged enough, that I was able to get the loan, working with my mom, like I understand, so many people don't have that opportunity. And I felt blessed that I was able to get the scholarship, and then the loan, and then through, you know, working the retail job, and going to college, I was able to pay that loan off.

And the opportunities that I've embraced since then, you know, when I think about this podcast, or the let go and be free series, you know, the little voice inside my head is, Who are you to write or talk about these things, you're not good enough, you're not an expert, you didn't study psychology, you know, and get a degree in it. Shut up, be quiet, focus on what you're good at, do those things. And then I was like, you don't want no, that's not true. I've lived this life. And I've gone through a lot of suffering. And I've experienced much, and I have a story to tell. And if that story can help just one person, just one person. It's worth me telling that story.

And when I look at the numbers of the podcasts, and I see people from the UK, and Morocco, and like different parts of the United States and other parts of the world, it just, it blows my mind in realizing that the stories that I have, and the words that I am saying now could be reaching you, right now, you could be driving a car, you could be sitting at your desk, you might be so upset because of something that just happened. And I'm here to say, there's hope. There's always hope. And I think that message is so important in today's day and age, because there's so much that negativity, and now zipping back, no longer being in the 70s and 80s of growing up. But being where I am now, you know, 2022, I've got a phone next to me, I can tweet across the world, I can see TikTokvideos from everywhere, anywhere, anytime, the power that we all know most of us have in the power of our hand.

And yet how negative. So many of those communications have been the studies that are coming out about teenage girls suffering, because they don't think they're pretty enough, or they're not thin enough, or they're not whatever, or their friends don't like them, because they can see that, you know, from their phone, their friends are all having a party, they've not been invited. And so as much as we've used technology to be able to open the doors for communication, some of that communication has been extremely negative. And it eats away at our boundaries, and our self esteem, and our love of ourselves. So I'm here to say, you know, on this podcast, that we can rise above those things, all is not lost, we have the ability to heal, we have the ability to love and be loved. And sometimes it is the simplest thing. And I know, I understand that when I say simplest, I don't mean that in not trying to blame anybody saying well, it's all your fault, you need just need to do that. But in our own head, we need to flip a switch and say, I'm going to invest in myself, I'm going to listen to those negative voices, and then say to them, you're not true. I'm going to learn the skills to overcome that negativity inside and focus on the positive. And that could be something as simple as studies have shown that when you're grateful, it allows you to think outside of the negativity going on in your own life. Or if you volunteer and help somebody else, it allows you to realize that you can get out and above your own struggles and learning that processing of what happened to you as you grew up, and accepting it and embracing it.

And then turning that to self love. And building on that is essential, is key. So when I say you know, simple, I guess what I mean is you don't need a ton of like equipment or money or this or that. It could be something a lot easier in the sense of easier in a sense of it's pretty much free to be able to learn some of these skills, but it's hard. So I do I do want to acknowledge that it's not something that I ordered on Amazon and it comes to my door and I opened the box. And suddenly I have self confidence. And I have better communication skills of being able to process in a healthy way. My feelings, that's unfortunately not how it works. It's a it's a journey. It's a process. On a one hand, I like that, because it's accessible to any of us. But on the other hand, it takes time, and practice and patience. So I don't know what your France is. It might be volunteering, you know, at a homeless shelter, it might be traveling out of state, and going to a conference, it might be visiting a mile away your first adult child of alcoholics and dysfunctional family meeting. What is that for you? What is that step, to go beyond, take that piece of paper, write down it on it and say, I am worthy. I am lovable. I love myself.

Getting and like, understanding those things and believing them to your core, I believe is critical to having that healthy life and moving forward. No matter if you're single, you're married, you're divorced, you're separate, it doesn't matter. Those things are critical and essential for you to be able to dream big. And so when I end this episode with again, what is your dream? What is your healthy dream? What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? Where do you want to be? Do you want to write a book? Do you want to, you know, travel? Do you want to get a better job? Do you want to come to peace with what happened to you, when you grew up as a kid, whatever that is. It's possible, it's doable. But again, it's a process. It's a journey. And it takes time, step by step, day by day, minute by minute, second by second. So I hope this episode has been helpful for you. Again, if you enjoy it, I asked, you know, help support the podcast.

For those of you who have subscribed to the substack, I appreciate that. Again, I wish I wish I can say didn't need money to keep the podcast going. But there's the podcasting fee, there's the web hosting fee, like that does cost money, and I'm trying my best to be able to put out the money to be able to cover those costs. But I do need help. And it's hard to ask for that. Because again, I've always grew up in like, well, you should figure it out on your own. Don't ask for help. But I do need your help to keep this podcasting going. So there's ways that you can do that. If you're subscribed to me on substack, there's monthly subscription fee of like five bucks, you could do that. You can go to let go and be free.com. Look at one of the let go and be free for volume books. You could pick up one of the books at any major book retailer, you know where you can visit the site. And if you visit the ronvitale.com site where you'll see my fiction, there's also a way to do like, buy me a coffee on there in the fiction section for the for author's writing area. So again, there's a lot of different ways to help me. And again, I part of me feels ashamed to ask for help to ask for money, because it kind of feels like it's crass. But at the same time, if I don't do that, I'm going to come up against a wall of having to take my personal funds to be able to pay for this and I'm trying to, you know, juggle a lot of things in my life right now. So I hope you understand and I appreciate your support and your help. So thank you again for listening to this podcast. I appreciate it. You know, I know this was a bit of a hard one this week. At least it was for me because there was a lot that I was able to kind of dredge up and talk about, but I hope that it has been helpful for you. Thank you again, and as always be well.

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