Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 22 (How to Stop Being a People Pleaser)

Avoiding conflict to please all the people around you sets you up for an unfulfilled life. No matter if you try to always please people at your work, in your relationships, or within your family, there are ways to take steps to create boundaries and stand up for yourself.

You are worth it.

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Transcript

Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free series for adult children of alcoholics. On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts, just stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child. Together, we'll shine a light to dispel any shame you might feel about your upbringing, and learn practical tips that will help you live a healthier life. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com.

Hello, and welcome to this week's show. It took a little bit of thinking of what type of topic that I would come up with for this week, I wanted to try something that was a little bit different in the sense that it's a hard topic. It's you know how to stop being a people pleaser? And you might say, well, you know, why is this a problem? You know, why do I have to worry about something like this. And I'll go back and tell story in that, you know, in growing up, in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family, the thing that I want it the most was like the boat and the family not to be rocked, you know, I wanted things to just stay calm, stable, and just not have to deal with chaos. Unfortunately, that's not possible.

And I'm thinking of, you know, circumstances where I often would just be a loner, you know, do my own thing I, you know, use my imagination with reading and writing and doing well in school. And I remember, you know, going to school, and in all my early years in elementary school, and in high school, I hated being on a team, I hated a project, in which you had to work with other people. And you might think about why, you know, for me, it was often because I was the smart kid, you know, kid with the glasses, the kid got the straight A's. And typically, I'd be, you know, teamed up with someone who just didn't want to do any work. And so instead of having to deal with that conflict, I would just do the work. And the person, you know, often would just get credit, because they happen to be associated with me on the team. You know, and I would look at that and be so frustrated and be like, This person didn't do any work or refuses to be part of anything, you know, dealing with this project, I would much rather just work on my own and do my own thing. It was just a lot easier.

And I, I look at those times, and I've had that people pleasing attitude of all just go and just shut up, I'm thinking something else in my head, but I'm just going to go along and go with the flow. I've had that, you know, at work, you know, I've had that in relationships, I've just, you know, I've had it with, you know, my family life and growing up as a kid. And it was just easier in my brain to shut up, go along with the program, as they say, and that's it, you know, but I found that repressing that frustration or anger or feeling like a being taken advantage of only works to a certain point.

So I liken it as a pressure cooker. And again, this is just, you know, my experience, if you struggle with being a people pleaser, maybe you do something differently. You know, I've seen other people where they'll take out their frustration on themselves, you know, it's like a self hate kind of thing. Whereas for me, you know, that pressure cooker, of I won't say anything, I won't say anything, I'll just shut up and go along with the, you know, with the flow, and then usually there's a breaking point, and then I get angry. And then there's a big argument, like a big blowout of an argument. And then things kind of come down again. And that's kind of how I was raised, you know, in my family and I had mentioned this and you know, in Italian family, it was not uncommon for there to be, you know, arguments, loud arguments every day or a couple times a week. It depends on the ebb and the flow. And it wasn't anything that necessarily I was directly involved in.

It could be, you know, my mom was at work, and my grandparents would get into a stupid argument, I remember one time, I just, you know, it was blew my mind, there was a big argument on where the bottle of like aspirin or something were purchased. Whereas my grandfather was swearing up and down, that it was purchased it, whatever this store, and my grandmother was swearing up and down, that it was purchased at another store, and they were going at it. And then, you know, they would just go their separate ways, and things would kind of calm down again. And then you'd sometimes be caught in these middle of these big arguments where you're just like, I just want to get some food, and get out of here. And I don't want to be involved in any of this. And so, you know, I learned at an early age, for better or for worse, that by being quiet. And, you know, just doing my own thing I could get by without a lot of conflict.

And I that's what I wanted the most is that, you know, I've saw so much conflict, and arguing and fighting and screaming and such. And growing up, I really didn't want to have to deal with that again. So the skills that I learned the unfortunately, dysfunctional skills that I learned unhealthy behavior was to just please people, like, I'm very good at reading a room, you know, of people and understanding, well, if I just go along with this person, I'm going to be fine. For example, you know, in some of my early jobs, you know, you'll be in a room and see if this circumstances is familiar to you.

A supervisor will ask, does anyone have any feedback. And of course, most people, you know, will look at that, and not saying anything, because typically, the supervisor doesn't really want feedback, they're putting on a show, because they claim that they want feedback. And if you actually give them the feedback that you're thinking inside, it's going to create more of a problem. And I have been in situations where, you know, if you try to raise, you're like, hey, what if we did X over Y, then you're kind of shut down, like, you're given some excuse, or whatever, and you got to go along with the plant. So you know, most people read the room, and they're like, oh, everything's great, it's wonderful. And you just go on the way. Whereas focusing on you know, healthy boundaries, and clear ways of communication, could be better to be able to get you through some of these more complex situations, unfortunately, the challenge is, often people don't want to get that feedback, or they don't want someone to push back at them, or to hold them accountable on something. You know, a lot of times what I found when I get into the people pleaser mode, because it's a lot easier, just to kind of go under the radar, do my thing. And then the person thinks they're, you know, wonderful and great and doing their whatever the boss at work.

And, you know, in reality, you're just, you know, the team is actually doing something different to make sure that the goals are getting accomplished. And often, I've had, unfortunately, narcissistic bosses, where, you know, they really only care about themselves, and go through, you know, trying to push through an agenda, so that the limelight is on them. Now, it's on every boss, I've had some, you know, amazing, you know, managers and bosses in my time, who are really open minded and caring. Very lucky now to have a fantastic boss. But there have been circumstances, you know, in my 20 plus year career, it's probably closer 25 years now, where some of the managers and supervisors have not been great. And also in relationships. I've had circumstances where it was a lot easier to remain quiet. Be the people pleaser, meaning you do outwardly, what somebody wants you to do so that you avoid conflict. And when you do that, over time, the question that you have to ask for yourself is, Am I doing this?

Because I am afraid of that person. Like how they're going to react, how they're going to respond. If I were to, you know, be honest and say I don't want to go to x, or I don't want to go to why is it going to create a big problem? A big argument? And if that's true, why do you feel that way? And how are you going to get out of this situation? Whereas if this has been happening for years, and if you were to say, I don't really want to go, I don't know, to your families tonight, and it's going to be a big argument yelling, screaming match, then you might have to say to yourself, again, I'm just making up an example. Is this healthy for you? And being a people pleaser? You know, over time, unfortunately, what that means, and what happens is your own desires and your own, you know, thoughts are being repressed, so much so that you might have to then question, what really is your own thought? Like, what do you really want to do? What do you like? And how are you gotta grow as a person? Because if you always give in, you know, a circumstance, you know, I know somebody that if you talk to them and ask them about, hey, do you like, whatever this side of an argument?

And they say, yes, yes. And then if somebody else goes to them, let's say, later the same day, and they asked them, Do you like the other side of the argument? The person changes? Their mind says, no, no, no, I really like why, you know, they're always constantly shifting, depending on who asked the question, because they don't want to be in a circumstance, which will put them at odds with somebody else. And that can be very, very complicated. Because you don't really know what the truth is. And how do you build that foundation of trust, if you don't really understand what the person really wants? The issue could be though, they may not even know themselves. So putting myself in my own position, you know, being a people pleaser, the challenge is stepping out of the shadow and finding a healthy environment to build a boundary, you know, to be able to then stand up for yourself and say, you know, I really don't think that this is a good idea, you know, or I don't want to do this. The the next step that people pleasers often come against is if there's somebody that doesn't want to hear that, they'll then push back and say, Well, why, but there's the secret. The secret power here, excuse me, I'm losing my voice.

The secret power here is, if you're a people pleaser, and you stand up for your own conviction of, you know, you don't want to do whatever, or you've made a decision, if somebody were to push back to you and say, Well, why, why are you doing that we're trying to guilt trip you or whatever, you simply have to say, because I want to do something different. You don't have to give an explanation. You don't have to then argue with that person, you don't have to do anything. And I think that is the the most difficult thing to do. Because often, in dysfunctional, complex interpersonal relationships, people understand what triggers another person, you know, at a young age, babies learn that if they cry, you know, they're going to get somebody in the family that will feed them, change them, or give them attention.

And as we grow, we learn how to work in these family units. You know, you know that if you're quiet as a certain time, you know, then you're not going to set somebody off, you understand that, if you give someone a hug, because they're feeling down, that's going to help, you know, build some confidence and love and trust between two people like there are these, you know, social skills of what we learn as people that some of them some of those skills, if you grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family are unhealthy. And if there are people trying to control another person, if you build that boundary line, often people that are trying to control you will push back hard, because they know, oh, this person is trying to do some little independence here. I'm going to, I'm going to try to, like squash that right now. I'm gonna, you know, hone in on that.

Why do you want to go back to work? Why do you want to go out with your friends tonight? Why do you this? Why do you do that? You don't have to explain anything outside of saying it's just something that I want to do.

And that could be the hardest thing. Because I've you know, been in relationships where people are trying to manipulate it again, this could be a romantic relationship. It could be within, you know, the family unit. It could be a war work environment, I've seen things where, you know, a supervisor will publicly shame someone. So that whole room gets to experience the shame, and no one then wants to be that person that has to be in that hot seat, you know, in the future. So everybody kind of clams up and is quiet. And, you know, an outwardly you know, the supervisor, oh, they're great, they're such a wonderful person. But then the reality is, they are pulling these like controlling strings, to be able to then say, I want to get my way, I want to do it this way. And if that person doesn't come along with me, I'm going to take them out by you know, again, publicly shaming them, or privately just, you know, ripping them a new one and yelling at them.

So I've seen all sides of the coin, the challenge is standing up for yourself. The good news is that as possible that if you haven't done it, and you're afraid to do it, you can do it, it just takes some time, and it takes some practice. And of course, it will take the resolve for you to be able to say, is this something that I want to do? Now I'm going to now I'm going to pause for a moment, because this is a very complicated process. And, and it could be dangerous to some people, there might be somebody who's listening to this, that is in an abusive relationship, you know, and they're thinking, Oh, if I start standing up for myself, it may not be safe for me. And that could be true.

And if that is true, I would advise that you call somebody a hotline to be able to help you to get out of that circumstance, because you don't want to be put in a situation where if you try to stand up to your abuser, and your abuser hits you or harms you, or harms your child or whatever, that's something that you know, unfortunately, is reality. There was a news item I saw earlier this week, in which a father was dangling a toddler, his child over a highway passageway and was going to drop the child, he was his spouse, they were arguing, stole the kid ran away, and was caught by a Good Samaritan was able to talk him down from holding his child over the edge and was going to drop his kid because he was angry, he was going to get back it is his spouse, there is a lot of unstable and unhealthy behavior, you know, out there.

And, and I think that you need to take into consideration your own health and well being and the well being of if you have children, you know, is it safe for you to even, you know, try this, it may not be, and if it's not, you know, again, having been in situations, when I was a kid, when abuse happened in the house, you, you know, you want to make certain that you and your family are safe. And that might mean going to a shelter or leaving, you know, leaving home for good, and so that the abuser can't find you. So again, you're going to have to find help. And I know that may not be easy. So the the, the skills that I'm sharing right now are not necessarily ones that everybody can just easily use. circumstances might be much more complicated. And I want to admit that it's not as simple as standing up to an abuser, that might be, you know, harming you or harming your children. That's a much more complicated circumstance. And I can understand why it might be easier to say, I don't want to deal with this, I'm just going to be quiet and stay under the radar because I don't want to be hit, I don't want to have my kid be put into danger.

So, there are many complicated problems that you know, occur in a an alcoholic and dysfunctional family and many of them are not easy to be able to, to talk about, because of shame, because of fear, because of possible threats of violence. So I did want to, you know, share that and talk about that, that the the skills and the techniques that I'm sharing may not necessarily work for everyone, because each person circumstance is different. In a, an environment where one doesn't have to worry about their own physical well being or the well being of their children. The skills of setting up a boundary and saying, you know, no, I want to do something different. That's easier to go through. It's still hard, you know, for us to take that.

But I did want to point out that Unfortunately, you know, we live in a world where things are not as black and white, where, you know, you might be a people pleaser, and then suddenly, you know, you, you start standing up for yourself and everything's going to be great. Some people may be in very unhealthy and violent situations, and it's not that simple to do that. So saying that understanding and moving on, in the circumstances, you know, that I have been in. I've, I've used a couple different tactics. You know, one, the key thing is, I needed to learn to stand up for myself and to believe in myself and to have that self confidence. And that took time to build through, through therapy, through writing, through attending adult children of alcoholics meeting, I needed to understand at a gut level, that my opinion mattered, that what I believe in, mattered, that I had the right to be able to stand up for myself and express an opinion that, you know, it wasn't just, if I remained quiet, and repressed how I really felt that, you know, in the long run, it was going to be easier. You know, I've been in situations where people would use all kinds of things to try to manipulate me to get me to go a certain way.

And either, you know, in the beginning, it's easy, because you just go along with with the flow. But I've seen people, you know, like fake illness and create all kinds of problems. So that's something that I learned over time, that it was important to stand up for myself. And it was important to believe in myself, one to believe that I am worthy, that, you know, I am worthy of love, that I am worthy to be happy that I can make decisions that are for me, and not necessarily always go along with whatever a partner or you know, someone at work, or whatever. The second thing is, to ask a question, do I want to remain in the circumstance, you know, that's something that's a lot more complicated. If it's in a relationship, obviously, especially if you have a family with children. That's a whole other level of complication.

But if you're in a work environment, you can ask yourself, Do I need to stay here? And the question, you know, the answer back to the question might be yes, because of money and such. But there are other jobs, you can leave and go to another job. Now, I was in a circumstance once, where I had a supervisor, that this person consider themselves like, trying to think of the the exact phrasing was, you know, I am, I am the mother, I am the one in charge, I'm in control.

And, you know, I'm this and I'm that, and it was a little scary, because everyone in the department was like, quitting. And it got to such a point that I needed to go, and I had a private conversation with the CEO. And, you know, the CEO said to me, you can leave, because I told them, I said, I look, I've been here a long time, and I really liked his job. But I'm, I'm worried that I don't think I can, I can stand for this anymore. And she said to me, you could leave, and that person will have one because they pushed you out. Or you can stay. And then we'll work through this. And what happened was we, you know, I decided to stay. And the, my supervisor was like, oh, and it took a little while. It took a couple of weeks, but I was able to kind of weather that storm. And the words that my CEO used at the time was, do you want to always give in and have to relocate every time you come up against the hard challenge?

Or do you want to kind of find a way to get through this, the challenge. And the difficult thing is some work environments, you know, will will cooperate and be willing to solve a problem with you. In this circumstance, the CEO was able to help me, whereas I've been in other circumstances where you go to HR, they do nothing to help you. They're only there to help the company. And that that can be challenging, and everybody's work situation is different. So the question to ask yourself is, is it healthy for you to stay at this job? Is it healthy for you to stay in this relationship?

And the answer might take some time to be able to filter that out one day, you might say yes, another day, you might say no, it might take some time to kind of unearth those feelings and then decide, are you going to go are you going to leave If or not, and in the meantime, you still might remain in that people pleaser mode of like, Oh, I'm just going to be quiet, I don't want to rock the boat. And then you're just kind of, over time getting buried by other people's strong personalities. And, you know, when people see that you will cave and you will fold. There are some narcissistic people that will use that and see that as weakness, and continue to try to control and push you to get what they want.

And the going back to the beginning of this, the question is, do you want that? And you might say no, but you don't know how to start how to move forward. The first step again, is building out your own self esteem, your own self confidence. And that might mean therapy, it might mean going to adult children of alcoholics meeting, I mean, I've seen circumstances, you know, from people who've grown up in adult and alcoholic, you know, adult alcoholic environments, and dysfunctional environments and families, where their neighbors are encroaching on them, you know, like pushing them a certain way.

You know, for example, a shared space, the neighbor takes over the shared space, and just thinks, well, it's going to be ours now, because they know that the person is too afraid of conflict, to be able to, you know, push back and say, Hey, wait a minute, that's, that's, that's my area that worry, you know, please move it, we're, you know, I've seen all kinds of things where, you know, someone who has power or control over another, uses that to keep pushing that forward. The good news is, you know, there are skills to be able to learn. One is learning that you don't have to put up with this anymore. Second, is taking baby steps to get there. And that might simply mean writing your feelings down in a daily journal, about your circumstance, you know, talking to a trusted friend, talking to a professional, like a therapist, a counselor, going to a COA, adult children of alcoholics meeting, and then building a plan.

And the plan might be simple, as I've decided that I want to leave this job, and then start looking for another job might take months, might take a year might take weeks, you don't know. The good news is in those kinds of circumstances, you can be really quiet. And you can just go with the flow. And you might change somewhat noticeably of work where you start saying no to things, small things. And then you can see and test those boundaries. And that are people willing to cooperate and work with you? Or is it a command control situation where you know, management is squashing you down?

And then you're going to have your answer on if you can't be your true self at work, then why are you there, if it if it makes you so unhappy, then leave. And if you start looking for another job, yes, that's gonna take time and energy and effort and failure as you apply for a job and don't get it, this and that whole thing. But eventually, believing in yourself by building up that self confidence and self esteem and working on dealing with the feelings, talking with a trusted person or therapist, writing your feelings out, figuring out, honing your skills and interviewing, eventually get a new job, and then you move on. And then you build a new world for yourself rather than stay under, you know, an unhealthy circumstance. In relationships. It's the same thing, but it's much more complicated, especially if you have children, and it just takes time to be able to work that all out.

That can be much more complicated. I've seen circumstances where couples agree to just stick it out until the children are old enough to go to college, then they separate and go on their own. I've seen circumstances where people who you thought were happily married for, you know, decade or more than suddenly, you know, separate and divorce. I've seen circumstances where people just kind of live with it, and they come to an uneasy peace and move forward. It all depends on the circumstance. And if you're a people pleaser, with let's say, the family, meaning your parents, if you have an active you know, family member who is addicted to alcohol or drugs, the challenge there might be if that person is not willing to change, you might have to draw a hard line and say, you know, I'm distancing myself from you. And I'm, you know, if you're acting a certain way, I don't want to be part of that. I'm going to go and do my own thing. And I'm not going to have contact with you anymore and you're not going to have contact with my kids, those kinds of things are really difficult. Because it's, you know, it's tied into family love family, you feel obligated to help and save someone.

Again, these feelings are complicated, it's a lot easier to just say, I'm just going to shut up and be the people pleaser, and I'm going to help this person and do whatever, it's a lot harder, and much more of a rocky road to be able to say, I'm going to start going to therapy, and adult children of alcoholics meeting meetings, and I'm not going to let my you know, whatever mother or father, treat me the way they treat me anymore, I've put in a hard line. And if they're texting me, if they're this or that blocking them, I'm just cutting off all communication, because it's unhealthy.

For me, that's much more complicated to do. I wish I wish that I could say that this is a an easy problem to overcome, it's not I know, for me, you know, I still struggle with this, depending on the circumstance, you know, each day, in different environments, it can be very complicated. And you know, in a work environment, in a toxic work environment, where you're, you're trying to stand up for yourself, and you just can't, because you're afraid of losing your job, because you've got the mortgage, you've, you know, you're afraid of a bunch of different things, your health care, you want to make certain that you can provide for your family, and you're looking for another job, and you might be feeling stuck. It just might take some time to be able to get out of those circumstances. And again, if you are in an abusive relationship and listening to this, and you feel like your life is threatened, I pray, and I hope that you find the courage, it's not even courage, you take the step to find professional help to get you out of your circumstance. It's not easy.

There's so many, you know, women that are affected. And it's not just women, I know that that are in abusive relationships, it's just unfortunately, the majority of young couples, it's the woman that that is putting into physical harm. And if there's children involved, it's much more complicated. So try not to end on a more downer note. But being a people pleaser, if you focus on yourself initially. And slowly build that confidence, to be able to build a boundary and say, I want to do this, this is what's healthy for me. And finding that voice, it takes time. It takes energy, it takes effort. And if somebody's pushing back, and really trying to give you a hard time and control manipulate you, the question to ask yourself is, do I want to stay here in this because it's not unhealthy. I mean, it's not healthy for me, if it is that unhealthy for you, then leave that job, leave that relationship, close that off, build a barrier boundary to be able to protect yourself.

The best advice that I can give is a professional can help the most in this kind of circumstance where, you know, in a private setting, if you can talk about what you're going through, and find a therapist that will help you with skills, you know, there's all different types of therapy, you know, some just want to listen to you and write down and you never get any feedback. You know, in this kind of circumstance, you probably want to be able to work with someone that is going to help you better understand, you know, that might even turn into couples counseling it again, it depends everybody's personal circumstances different. You know, at the end of the day, these things are hard decisions, the circumstances to get out of. If you've been a people pleaser, your entire life. You don't simply just tomorrow, you're no longer a people pleaser.

It, you know, takes gradual work and effort. You know, if your children, let's say their adult children, and they come back and they try to, you know, control and manipulate you for money or attention or whatever, you know, turning that off and standing up for yourself. That's not an easy thing. And I admit that the circumstances are complicated. So my heart goes out to you. I struggle with this myself. It's not easy. But you're not alone. And there are skills and there are professionals that can help you. And I hope and I pray that you will listen and take some time to understand what is going to work for you. So thank you again for listening to this episode. I appreciate it. And it was a little bit of a heavier one, but I thought it was important. And I hope that through this next week, that you are good to yourself and as always, be well.

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