Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 25 (Creating Healthy Habits)

Creating new and healthy habits to replace ones that you learned as a child growing up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family takes time.

First, you'll need to reflect on your personality and be honest with yourself. What behaviors are currently unhealthy for you? Why do you keep doing them? It's important to be open and not berate yourself during this step. Be kind to yourself.

Next, focus on a foundation that's positive and put away negativity. When learning new and healthy behaviors, starting off thinking you'll fail or with negativity will create a self-fulfillment loop.

And finally, allow yourself the freedom to grow, to make mistakes, to learn.

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Transcript

Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free series for adult children of alcoholics. On this podcast we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts, just stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child. Together, we'll shine a light to dispel any shame you might feel about your upbringing, and learn practical tips that will help you live a healthier life. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com Welcome to this week's episode, I wanted to talk about creating healthy habits, I thought this would be a nice positive episode to have as we start the fall season. A quick recap on my personal health.

Before we get into the episode, I'm still currently the recording of this in a splint, hoping to find out later this week as to whether I'll be able to have the splint removed and whether I need physical therapy. So this creating healthy habits episode is not just for you, but it's also for myself, as I find that, you know, when I come across a difficult part of my life, and I have a challenge to overcome. There's a certain set of skills and a certain set of behavior patterns that I focus on. Otherwise, I find that I'll spiral down and deal with negativity, anxiety, catastrophizing, you know, things that will not necessarily make me feel better in the long run.

The reality is when something like you know, accident, like with what happened with my hand, takes place, there isn't much you can do except, you know, focus on the positive and how you can overcome that. For those of you who are new to the podcast, welcome. If you're wondering what the heck I'm talking about, when I was on vacation, I had a biking accident and broke my hand and bruise pretty badly my left side of the body. So things have been a little rocky for the last at this point, I think it's going to be near for weeks. So yeah, it's been been a challenging last month, well to say that. But on this episode, I wanted to focus on this creating healthy habits.

And it's something that it might seem really impossible to do. Often, you know, those of us who grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional family, there's a lot of that all or nothing black or white thinking like it's either all one thing or all the other thing you know, there's like no middle ground. Or it might be difficult for us to see outside of our current situation, our current environment, like it's always been this way, it will always be that way to get beyond that thinking, it's challenging, because we have to kind of come out of ourselves, and kind of resist the upbringing that we had, you know, if we've grew up in an environment in which there was abuse, or, you know, serial, lashing out, mental emotional abuse, psychological abuse, it's difficult to be able to overcome a natural reaction to possibly, you know, to withdraw to kind of hide, and there are certain patterns that we might come across when we enter into a problem or a crisis.

So in creating healthy habits, you know, it's kind of setting the foundation, the groundwork, not just for when a problem comes into your life. But, you know, on a day to day living, you know, making a conscious decision to say, the way I grew up is not how I want to live the rest of my life. That's easy to say, but it's a little bit more challenging to put into practice. You know, the usuals come into place here, and I've said it time and time again, you know, talk to a therapist, go to adult children, have alcoholic meetings, keep going to that work, the 12 steps, focus on meditation, focus on the process of you know, how to overcome that negative talk within you. That's all great, that's wonderful.

But what are the small baby steps that can help us get from point A to point B? And so by creating healthy habits, you know, if I like to use this analogy, years ago, I never ran more than a mile in my life and that was in high school. I ran one mile, because it was part of the curriculum of you know, high school gym. I had to do that mile run of a lanky body a good build for run, but I never ran. And so into my mid 30s, I had never run a race never done anything. And friends of ours, my wife, and I had invited us to basically join them on a 5k and do a training process of you know, over so many weeks couch, you know, to 5k. And we did that.

I succeeded, great, wonderful. But what I realized was, is that over time, I realized that if I put my mind to something, and took baby steps toward that goal, I could achieve that goal. So for example, over so many years, my friend kept challenging me and saying, Well, you did a 5k, why don't you do the 10 mile run? Why don't you then do a half marathon? why don't why don't you do a marathon. And if I could have gone back in time to me, before I ran that 5k. And if you would have told me, you know, one day you're gonna run a marathon, I would laugh, I'd be like, No, there's no way I don't have the physical ability to be able to do that, you know, I went into the situation, thinking that I would fail. And that's important. Because if that is your natural state of mind, of, oh, if I try this, I'm just going to fail. And, you know, then you give up, that sets a negative, like negativity and a negative level negative Foundation, where there's really nowhere to go from that, you know, if there's always like, Well, I'm not going to try for that job, I'm not going to, you know, call this person up. If you're always thinking you're going to fail, and you're not going to be able to succeed, especially if your past dictates that your family life was filled with stress, anxiety, you know, some type of abuse, that might be your natural mode of thinking. So to create a different habit, it takes more than just willpower, it takes a process, it takes an understanding of how your brain works.

You know, long time ago, when I first started going to therapy, my, my, you know, a therapist at the time said, you know, our brains get into these grooves. So for those of us who grew up with albums, vinyl, there's grooves and you put the needle on the groove, and the needle follows a groove. And that's how the music is being played.

Our brains get stuck into these grooves stuck into these habits, potentially negative bad habits. You know, if we're always thinking something such as, oh, if I try x, I'm going to fail, then we're always going to fail. But if we say, you know, I haven't done this, and then maybe say yet, afterwards, you leave a door open, there is hope that is on the horizon for you. And that allows your brain to think in a different perspective, a different way. So if you're, if you start thinking a different way, and then start doing small baby steps towards something you can achieve, you know, and create a healthy habit. So in my circumstance, when I first started learning, learning how to run, I just would run, it was like a half mile around a school at the end of my block. And it was hard. And I did that for a certain amount of time. And then my friend said, Why don't you follow like a training program. And so I don't even know what that is. And he gave me like a Runner's World Magazine. And I followed that training program, and then use this very similar type type of programs that I found online, to train for a 10 mile and a half, half marathon, and then full marathon, the 26.2 miles.

What I realized is that there by having that schedule, and again, this is just a simple example of changing a habit regard to a physical activity, such as running, it was something that I could see and say, Oh, on this day, I had to run four miles. On that day, I had to run for miles. And then on Sunday, I had to run eight, and then multiply that out. Each week, I'd run 10% more by adding another mile my long run on Sunday, there was something that was easy to do, in the sense that it wasn't taking the entire amount of work in all at once. It was chunking. The problem chunking the habit out to change the groove slowly over time. I went from never running to about three or so years later, running a marathon, not saying I was ran a fast marathon, but I ran a marathon I think I might my time was like five hours and eight minutes or something like that.

But I did it when it has come to other things of my life such as I want to write a book. For a longest time I wrote, you know, I wrote one book when I was a teenager. And I was like, Oh, I'm gonna get this published, I'm gonna be a famous author, I'm gonna make a million dollars, and then never happened. And, you know, the question that I asked myself, that is, how much do I want to really be a writer? You know, do I want to be a writer, because it's easy. And I expect I'm just going to do you know, one, one book, and I'm suddenly going to be this, like, amazing, you know, published writer that's going to make all this money. And I'm going to, you know, have this fame and fortune, I hit a wall, I failed. Because I failed. I then had to ask myself, what's next. And I really wanted to be a writer. And so I just started doing more writing. And over time, I did the same thing, chunked it out, I came up with a schedule. For me writing schedule was Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, 1000 words, each of those days. And that's what I'm currently at. Now.

That doesn't mean I started out that way. I found my way, I fumbled along, I fail, I didn't know what I was doing. But the creating the healthy habit is essentially realizing at whatever I'm trying to do, I'm not going to go in saying, I'm going to fail, I might say, I'm gonna fall like, I don't know what I'm doing. And it might make mistakes. But if I keep wanting to try and do it, picked myself up, dust my knees off, and try again, and keep trying keep learning, talking to people reading different books, different skills. And that's how I apply myself when it comes to creating a healthy habit. So it could be something simple, you know, such as I want to write in my journal every day.

And you might say, Well, why is that a healthy habit, I find that having the connection between the emotional state of my interior mind with bringing it to the surface. And processing that, in a healthy environment allows me to deal with different problems, deals with different conflict in a way that's safe, healthy, and allows me to explore and learn about my personality and about my emotional state, in a very simple way, taking a pen to paper, or sitting down and typing on a computer. That's something that it's not expensive to do. It's not very difficult to do. And it's something that we can do no matter where we are. And you might say, Well, I'm not a writer. And one of the things that I've said, and I get very, very frustrated, this is a pet peeve of mine, is that I personally, and again, this is just me, I personally don't believe in writer's block.

I believe that, you know, there have been times where I've been stuck on a novel or story and I don't know what to write. And I understand that I have a block toward that particular work, or maybe I've given up on and I don't want to do it anymore. But then I can just say, Okay, I'll put that to the side for a while and I'll write something else, I'll just do some free association, writing, write about whatever I want. It doesn't have to be something that sees the light of day. And with journal writing, that is the joy for me, I can sit down, I could write about the sunrise or problems that I have, or, you know, the beautiful roses outside or story that I had in my head or meeting someone for the first time or memory or whatever, use my imagination to create or reminisce on anything I can possibly dream up.

And in that environment, I give myself the freedom to write about whatever I want without judgment. So key point number one, is that creating a healthy habit, not focusing on the negative, but saying, I'm going to start trying something and yeah, it's probably going to be difficult in the beginning, and I might fall down and, you know, might not do it every day. And it's going to take a little while but I'm going to keep at it keep trying. Start from a positive attitude, rather than a negative attitude. And then when it comes to, you know, other aspect, give yourself the freedom to grow, to explore, and to be if you allow yourself that freedom, the habit isn't going to be something that's a chore to do. It's going to be something that you look forward to. This can be applied in many different ways. It could be deciding that you want to take a walk each day. And again, you might say well, why why would that matter?

Why would I want to do that habit. Physical activity is good to get your body going exercise. It helps your mind with processing within endorphins makes you feel better. And we're not talking speed walking, it's not talking about going 15 million miles, it could just be a simple walk, no electronic device, no headphones, just walk, and allow yourself to be, and whatever pops into your head, you just say to yourself, that's fine, you feel it, you embrace that, and then you let it go. And then you move on. So healthy habits could be, you know, eating better, exercising, getting to bed on time, you know, putting electronic devices away, you know, an hour before you go to bed, surrounding yourself with with friends that are those that actually care about you not ones they're trying to get something from you drained something from you, you know, creating these healthy habits takes time, you can't just simply flick a switch and be like, well, now I'm going to eat healthy. And I'm going to exercise, and I'm going to go to bed, right, and I'm going to, you know, if you try to do everything all at once, your body's probably going to resist as well as your mind.

You know, I recommend taking small steps, pick one healthy habit, and focus on it for three to four weeks. And see if you like it, you know, you might decide you want to pick up an instrument or you want to take singing lessons or art class or, you know, again, journal writing or, you know, go to adult children of alcoholics meeting, or there's so many different things. The the limit is the freedom of the ability for you to be able to express yourself in a healthy way, in a way that allows you to grow and to find self expression, rather than oppression.

And from the history of what you grew up with. If you grew up in a dysfunctional and alcoholic environment, there's probably lots going on codependency in measurement in your family, guilt, shame, anger, hatred, abandonment, I mean, I can go on and on and on. I expect some of those words will resonate with you that you'll think, oh, yeah, I went through that. Or you might fill in other additives, of other things that you live through. Now, in your current situation, no matter if you're single, you're married, you're a parent, you're not a parent, how are you getting about, you know, throughout the world? How are you living? What are you doing on a day to day basis, and take a realistic look like a moral inventory of your own habits, you know, are do have a healthy relationship with alcohol, or with drugs or with food, or with adrenaline like activities, you know, when we go through the 12 steps, the fourth step is that self assessment step.

And that can be really difficult, because shining a light on oneself, and saying, here are my, you know, flaws. Nobody really wants to do that, you know, it's, it's something that's a bit icky. But if you look at it and come at a perspective of you want to break the cycle of dysfunction, and in order to do that, you need just to be honest with yourself on your personality, on who you are, who you are to other people and your relationship with those people. You know, Are you a person that people like to be around? or, frankly, are you a chore to be around because you're always negative or you're always critical? You know, I know, for me, I have a very critical interior voice, I have a very high standard that I keep for myself. And unfortunately, I apply that on others close to me.

And that's often not fair. I just assume and expect well, if I can do it, then other people can do it. Well, we're all different people. And having such high expectations, you know, for other other people is not necessarily going to create intimacy, or emotional bonds, you know, for me with other people, and I have to be honest about that and recognize that. So that's an example of something that with, you know, self reflection allows me to see here are some of my faults. Here are some of my negative, unhealthy behavior patterns that either I learned as a kid, or they were coping mechanisms for me to be able to survive my environment for me, the way able to be able to succeed in life. I threw myself into school. I'm a learner. I like to learn lifelong learner and something that, you know, it doesn't, I don't care about the grade, I care about learning something, the knowledge of something, and being able to share that communicate with with others with what I've learned, or to listen, and to learn from someone else and connect ideas.

And those ideas form bonds, and those bonds formed communities and communities can change the world. So my brain and how it works with those, you know, type of thought processes, turns an idea into something that can be actionable, something that can help, you know, motivate me and those around me. So, when I say creating healthy habits, the reason is, are you happy with your life? Are you happy with what and how you grew up with? And where you are at this present time? Where do you want to be in a year, in six months, in five years, it doesn't matter our age now, it doesn't matter. What we may have encountered in the past, all that matters is the steps that we take in moving forward as of this moment. And every moment afterward, moving forward. It doesn't mean, we're going to be perfect. It means life is messy. We're human, we make mistakes. But what are the choices that we're going to make? You know, what are the choices for the healthy habits, a simple thing could be, are we allowing ourselves to get pulled back into either family drama or friend drama, because we want to feel, you know, important or cared for, you know, like, people care about us. And we get pulled into whatever one o'clock in the morning drama of a friend calls you.

And there's like a repeating pattern and problems, and they rely on you all the time. And you're always there for that person? Well, is that healthy for you? You know, there's that asking that question again? Is it healthy for you? Is it true whatever's going through your brain? You know, are you really selfish? Or are you this Are you that like asking and going through that process of that self reflection, and then looking at your current habits, with food, or with sex, with drugs, with, again, adrenaline with relationships, you know, one of the things that I realized is that, it's really easy to fall in love with being in love. And if you think about that, for a moment, that rush in the beginning of a relationship of how exciting it is, and oh, you and the person and how wonderful and nothing else exists in the world. Well, that only lasts for a certain amount of time, but it is a wonderful feeling. The question is, what do you really want to have with that person?

Are you really liking that person? Or is it just convenient that you happen to be in the situation where both of you are needing something at that particular time? And so you're kind of using each other? For that blush of rush of adrenaline, of infatuation? You know, is that a habit that you tend to fall into?

Or are you controlling, or whatever it is, if you look at your life, and see what you live through, and then make that self reflection, look at it, take a moment, Be easy on yourself, give yourself a big hug, and say, I love myself, I'm here for you. It's not the self reflection is not meant for you to be able to like beat up on yourself. It's as a, as dispassionate as you can to look at who you are as a person, and where you would like to grow. And that starts with creating some of these healthy habits. If you're always thinking, the negative and the worst, and you're then surrounding yourself with situations or people in which that is going to be a self fulfilling prophecy, then you're going to be going through pattern after pattern cycle after cycle and just continue to be unhappy.

The process of getting out of that is recognition. Again, building that foundation foundation of not believing in the negative but focusing on the positive of the possibility. And then the freedom to allow yourself to grow, to experiment to try to fail to get up again and keep trying. And then creating those habits, you know, can be interwoven with activities such as if you want to see a medical professional like a licensed therapist. You talk to that therapist, if you want to go to adult children of alcoholics meetings you do that so that you can listen and learn from the other experiences that people have had, and apply that to your own life to see how there are similarities? And then see how can those 12 steps help you? Or not? Maybe that that doesn't work for you. And then you'll have to find a different path. There are many different paths. The question is, are you happy now? Yes or No? If no, what are you going to do about it? No one makes you happy. No one will make your life better. The question always goes down to what are each of us going to do on a daily basis, to help ourselves.

And by helping ourselves that then eventually evolves and grows into helping others and our larger community to give back whatever format that might be a very big person and believing in the importance of volunteerism, understanding and making an emotional, empathetic connection with somebody else, not to hoard our knowledge, or hoard our love, but to be able to be open and to give it to other people, and to share those experiences. Because at the end of the day, when we die, it doesn't matter how much money we have, it doesn't matter how many diamond rings or jewelry, we're going to be thinking on our last moments of the expanse of our life, and what we did or what we didn't do. And so for creating those healthy habits, whatever the lifelong amount of time we have left, we have that option to start and do something different today, being held back by the past, and allowing that to be able to control us in the present.

And in the future. It creates that cycle of dysfunction. That happens generation after generation, from alcoholism, and addiction and dysfunction within a family. The decision to be different, and to change that is hard. But it's not impossible. So I wanted to share this with you today. Because I think it's important that each of us have a moment to be able to self reflect and think on what can I do to create healthier habits. I do hope that this episode has been helpful for you. And take some time, think about this, maybe listen to this episode another time. It's a lot to take in. But again, it doesn't have to all be done in one day, or one week or one month.

It takes the rest of our lives and I think that when we look at it from a positive aspect is the beauty of the journey. So again, thank you so much for listening. If you'd like to learn more visit, let go and be free.com If you want to support the show, you can subscribe become a pay subscriber at substack can find the show notes. links in the show notes. You can also find on all the major publishing platforms my let go and be free volumes. Again if you want to help support the show. Thank you so much for listening. And as always be well.

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