Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 3 (What Happens at an Adult Children of Alcoholics Meeting?)
Welcome to the third episode.
Today’s topic:
What happens at an Adult Children of Alcoholics Meeting?
I share my experience of the first few times I attended an ACOA meeting and talk a bit about the first two 12 Steps.
New to ACOA? Be sure to check the official Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families website out.
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Transcript
Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of The let go and be free 100 daily reflections for adult children of alcoholics series. On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts to stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child in an alcoholic home. Together will shine a light to dispel the shame you might have secretly been living with about your upbringing, and practical tips that will help you center yourself and live a healthier life. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com.
And with that, let's get on with the show.
So welcome, everyone. If you're new to this show, I appreciate you taking the time to listen to this. And if you're back, thank you, I do appreciate it. This episode, put a little bit of thought into this one and go back into a time machine. And I wanted to share my experience about the first time I went to an adult children of alcoholics meeting. So this episode is what happens and an alcoholic, I'm sorry, and adult children of alcoholics meeting. Back when I first started going to therapy, I was working with my therapist. And at one point he had recommended to me that I go to an ACOA meeting, I didn't know what that was, I had no clue. I had heard about Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), I had heard about the 12 steps at that point. But I didn't know that there was an adult children of alcoholics, you know, tradition with meetings and such. I didn't know where one was, I didn't know anything, basically. So he had given me some information.
And eventually I gathered the courage to go to a meeting. It was less than I think, maybe a mile or so from my house, it was some storefront meeting was I think, like around maybe seven or eight o'clock at night. And just to put things in perspective, you know, I am an introvert. You know, I am not in any way shape, or form the kind of person that wants to be the star of a show. Good. Whoa. And in the sense of being out there and being extroverted, with with doing a podcast, it's me in a room alone, talking into a microphone, and I like it that way.
You know, I write books and the type of work that I do, you know, for a living, there was a lot of time where I do a lot of thinking and you know, yes, I do communicate with people, but I prefer, you know, my introverted personality and how I work with people that way. So to go to a meeting, where I didn't know what was going to happen, I didn't know who was going to be there. And I didn't know the, you know, really much about adult children of alcoholics. So to put things in perspective, the first meeting that I ever went to was right around the time that the internet, I think, was just starting to become a thing. So, you know, I couldn't go to Google because Google didn't exist yet. You know, I couldn't do any of that. I just knew, you know, my therapist had given me a handout a piece of paper and said,
Hey, you might want to try one of these meetings, thought it might be helpful for you, with what you've shared with me of your upbringing. And I said, Okay, and finally, as I said, gathered the courage to go. And I remember walking in to the meeting and seeing a lot of people, you know, talking to each other because they knew each other. And I just felt like, you know, like a fly on the wall, I felt very uncomfortable, because I was the youngest person there. I believe at that time, I was maybe 21 or 22 years old. And, you know, people were there look like they were in their 30s. You know, 50s some people were in their 60s. And at one point, you know, the meeting started, and, you know, everyone got around a table and sat down. And I didn't really know, you know, what the rules were.
So again, I'm trying to remember some of the specifics of that first meeting, to kind of help you out especially if you're listening to this, and kind of wondering if this is something for you. I was afraid, because I didn't know what I was supposed to do and not do it. So, you know, the meeting started, and people started sharing, and each, you know, but kind of went around the table. And what I realized quickly is someone would say, Hi, my name is so and so, you know, adult child of an alcoholic. And then they would just say what was on their mind, he would tell, some people would tell the most intimate of details of a story of something that happened to them, some people would just not share at all, they just were there to listen. And since it was my first time, I didn't want to share it, because I was due to afraid to I didn't even know what I should be sharing, I just had no clue. So I just would, you know, I just sat there, and I kind of took it all in, you know, and listened.
And I realized that, you know, the, the format was pretty straightforward in the sense of, you know, you would sit down, people were giving you an opportunity to share, and they pulled out a book, and then they read one of the 12 steps. And, you know, somebody read a passage about the 12 steps, and everybody kind of thought about that. And, you know, one of the things that I thought was the most powerful is that, while I was listening to everybody's story, I realized that there, there wasn't any judgments on people, you know, you could say what was on your mind, you can tell the most, you know, complicated or harrowing story that you wanted to tell. And then you just would end with, you know, done, you know, that's it, just kind of that's it, and everybody else would just say, thank you for sharing, there was no cross talk. And I didn't know that term cross talk at the time. But as I started going to more adult children of alcoholics meetings, the cross talk, and I, I personally think this is a, one of the best parts of these meetings is, no matter what you share, during that, you know, round table, when everybody's going around and saying what they have on their mind.
No one else at the table could interrupt you and say, Oh, well, you know, give advice, you know, why didn't you do this, or maybe you should do that, or I can't believe you share that, that it was just total acceptance, from everybody else in the room. Again, this was how it was for the meeting that, you know, I first attended in my area. And I think, having the freedom to say what was on your mind, without somebody judging you, was a great way of processing some of the thoughts of things that I grew up with that, you know, I would hear other people's stories. And it was pretty clear, after the first couple times, I, you know, I went to the meeting, I started hearing similarities and other people's stories with my own stories, you know, the kind of feelings that someone would express some of the same patterns of, you know, what they went through, and, you know, cycles of anger or violence and hearing things that happen within their families.
And I started kind of putting two and two together and saying, oh, you know, I think I did go to the right place here, I found that, you know, kind of found my people in the sense that I could tell a story when I felt comfortable enough, and I wasn't going to be judged. So, you know, the first couple of times, I forget how many times, you know, I went to, you know, to the meetings, and I just listened. And then, you know, I would go to the meeting, I would go along and read, you know, with whatever the step was, for that particular, you know, weak, the thought of, you know, dealing with what was on my mind, and I would process and just listen and learn after the meeting. You know, I would, after a while, started introducing myself talking to some people, and then I would go on my way. And when I did get the courage to share, I don't remember what, you know, what I talked about first, I probably just said something about my current circumstances of where I was living, and you know, what I had gone through as a kid like, general stuff to start off with.
And I thought that that was, again, very freeing to have that ability to be able to kind of get it off your chest or Bill talk about something without judgment. And, you know, someone else trying to overlay their thoughts, their advice there anything. That's not what I was at the meeting for. I was wanting to go to the meeting, to simply process what I was feeling, what I had grown up with, share it in a communal setting, and then listen and learn from other people's stories of what they were going through, and then use the 12 steps, you know, as I learned more about them, to better understand how I could, you know, find a better path in life. And that's a lot to take in. Because again, I started at Ground Zero, I knew nothing about, you know, the 12 steps, or any of that. And at the end of the meeting, you know, if I remember correctly, I think we would say, the Our Father, and I always thought it was funny, because I was raised Catholic. And the version of the Our Father that was used was a Protestant version. And if there's like another line or two at the end, and so you know, we'd be saying, your father, I'm like, Okay, I know this part.
And I say this, and you know, Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, and we're saying the prayer. And then at the end, you know, I'd be thinking, oh, you know, amen, we're done. And then people started saying more, and I was, like, are you doing? I don't know, is, what is this part, and then I realized over time, you know, it, just their, their version of, you know, Protestant version was different than what I grew up in Catholicism.
So I just thought that was a little funny, you know, aside, and then the more I started going to meetings, the more I learned, you know, learned about the 12 steps, but I also learned that new people who joined would get a sponsor, and I didn't know what a sponsor was. And, you know, didn't quite like the feel of that. Being an introvert. I was like, wow, what, what do I need a sponsor for? So, at one point, I forget how long I'd been going maybe a month or so I was able to find that there was an older gentleman that was there, a retired gentleman, very respected within the group.
And he came up to me and talked to me and offered to be my sponsor. And I said, Yes. And, you know, he, the purpose of the sponsor was for him to help guide me with any questions, you know, that I had, if I was struggling through anything, I could call him, you know, and kind of talk to him, and never really did that. But I did have some conversations with him, like, after the meetings and such, and we would kind of talk together and I do there, there's one part of something that he passed on to me that, again, it's been decades later. And it's still something that I kind of hold true, is that he grew up, you know, an alcoholic family and had some of the same struggles that I had with my father. And, you know, you heard again, very similar themes through the course of these meetings from what people were going through. And one point he said to me, you know, okay, well, good night, he's like, I'm gonna, you know, let's, you know, give each other hug, gave each other hug. And I didn't feel weird about that, because we were pretty close friends at that point.
And so we, you know, gave each other hug, and he said, Now, most men, you know, when they hug, and he kind of did the, you know, the fake pat on the back, you know, back. Whereas, like, if you, you know, in today's society, if you, if you hug a man, you know, you hug them real quick, and then you like, slap them on the back a couple times, because, you know, it's the manly thing to do. And he, you know, he joked about that, and he's like, but, you know, a real hug is, and he's just held me close. And then, you know, and we're standing there, and again, I didn't feel weird, it wasn't any kind of creepy kind of hug, nothing like that. And then he just put his hand it on the on my back, and just left it there. And he said, This is a hug. He's like, that's something that you feel safe, feel comfortable, you know, and that, you know, men can have, you know, the ability to be able to express emotion, in a way that isn't this, like, you know, macho masculine ism of like, you know, I've got to be this super guy, because I'm super strong, can't show emotion and you can ever cry. And that that wasn't the message that he was that he was sharing with me.
And I and I thought that was very positive. Because, you know, from my perspective, I had only seen, you know, that toxic masculinity of like, fighting and throwing things and anger and you know, that that side of stuff, and so I wanted to learn, you know, how could I better come in terms with what I live through how to better process my emotions in a healthy manner. And through, you know, the ACOA meetings, I was able to go to the meetings, express what was on my mind, kind of get that off my chest. And, you know, learn how to be in an environment where, over time I was learning healthier behaviors, rather than repeating mistakes of what I had seen, you know, growing up. So just to, you know, share a little bit more is that, obviously over time, as I started attending the meetings, I learned more about the 12 steps.
And if you're not familiar with the 12 steps, some people say the 12 steps works for them, some people say I want nothing to do with it. Again, the, the journey that you're on is different than the journey, you know, that I am on. And for me, I have, you know, decided to focus on the 12 steps and, you know, put them into my life, I know that this could be a controversial thing in the sense that, you know, some people don't like the basic tenet, you know, of the 12 steps, whereas basically, you're, you're kind of thinking of a higher power, no matter if you just call it higher power, or God or whatever, you're kind of letting yourself go of like, I can't control what's happening around me. So I'm just kind of offering this up, and focusing that I can't kind of do this on my own. And, you know, there again, some people think that is kind of showing like weakness, and they're not happy with that type of thing.
Whereas other people were more comfortable and saying, Well, this is a guidance, you know, for me, this is something that I need to help me to kind of focus my brain in a way, that's going to make life a little bit easier for me to deal with. So in pulling up Nate now, the, the 12 steps of ACOA, so that I want to read the first one to you. So that way, you can get a sense of what it is, if you're familiar with it, then, you know, you obviously know, know it, but for those who are new to it, the you know, the first step can be a stumbling block where people just get turned off right away. You know, I've had some very close people in my life who have gone through some difficult times in their own families, and just that, you know, the 12 steps is just not for them. So again, I'm sharing this not as a, be all end all. But if, you know, you've listened to the previous episodes, I am sharing different tips of this helped me, you know, the Serenity Prayer helped me or the loving kindness meditation, as I talked about, you know, an episode to help me the 12 steps did help me because it allowed me to kind of focus my behavior around a set of guidelines that I was able to, you know, come in alignment with. So for the first step, again, I got this off of adult children.org That's the adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families website, again, adult children.org.
And the first step is, we admitted, we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism, or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
And that that first step of, you know, we admitted we were powerless, that can be a difficult bar for some people to cross where they're just thinking, Wait a minute, I do have agency, I do have my own power, I can make things better. You know, I look at it as there are things that happened, you know, in my childhood, that I couldn't control because I was a kid, you know, it was I couldn't stop the fighting. And, you know, I couldn't stop my father from the things that he was doing, I couldn't stop the things that my mother was suffering through and how she reacted from what was happening within the family dynamic, and couldn't stop any of that. I had to, to kind of realize that, that was beyond me, you know, and that things had become really tough and on, you know, manageable for me, I, I wanted to admit that I was actually happy to get that out, to be able to release that and say, I'm stressed out, I need help. I need other people to kind of commune with so I can learn better ways of living and being then repeating what I had seen, you know, in my own family, and unfortunately, what had happened from their grandparents, you know, often there's that generational effect of alcoholism and dysfunction.
You know, you you grow up in an environment, you see what happens, and then you pass that on. And I think that is some of the most darkest aspects of you know, alcoholism and, you know, the dysfunctional families is that you kinda, you learn a certain way, and then no matter how much you won't want to fight against that, because it's what you know, you then repeat those patterns. When you're under your own stress in relationships in the future. I wanted to find a way out of that. So The second step now, and again, I don't want to go through all the 12 steps today. But the second step is also the one that a lot of people struggle with. And it's came to believe that a power greater than ourselves, could restore us to sanity. And, you know, when people hear the word power, they're like, a very, it's God, I, I'm out goodbye, and they leave.
You know, this could be that deal breaker for you of, you're just like, I don't want to deal with that. Whereas, you know, I did grow up in a Catholic family, I'm not a practicing Catholic, but I do have spirituality is the basis of my foundation. You know, for me, when I, when I read that, I just look at it as I there's something greater whatever the cosmos creation, God, there's something that all of us all of creation are around and in and live through, and there is something greater than me. And I need help to find that way of calmness, to find that sanity again. And that that's not something that I'm a, you know, I'm not afraid to say that. Again, if this works for you, that's great. If it doesn't, there are so many other paths. In this episode, I simply wanted to share my story. And why for me, you know, attending the adult children of alcoholics meetings, was so important, because not only did I learn about the 12 steps, and the Serenity Prayer, but I realized that you could take different skills that you learn and apply them in my day to day life. So instead of repeating those same dysfunctional behaviors, even though you know, I wasn't an alcoholic, you know, or taking drugs and drug, you know, addicted to drugs, or anything of that nature, I had learned the behaviors in that dysfunctional family and with repeating those unhealthy behaviors, you know, codependency and, you know, fear of abandonment and struggling and lashing out, like, if I felt like somebody was abandoning me that I would get desperate and, you know, those those repeatable patterns that would just basically do any relationship that I was in. So I wanted to find a way out of that.
And by deciding to choose a new path, again, that kind of gave me hope. And I was able to build around that different life skills that helped me to get me where I am today. And, you know, as I've said, in episode one, my life is a journey. There is no, you know, finish line, the finish line is, when I pass on, there's no more of this current day to day, every day, there's something new for me to learn. Every day, there's a new opportunity for me to grow or to share or to, you know, be honest with myself and say, hey, you know, I screwed up yesterday, you know, how can I? How can I become better? How can I make an amend from something that I've done, you know, against the family member? How can I grow? So, you know, it's how you choose to think, and the openness that you are with your possibilities? Or do you remain close minded and say, well, it is what it is, and I'm going to do my way, my way is the best way. And I'm going to go through, you know, just look at it as Are you happy?
You know, where are you in life? How are your relationships, if you don't want to follow this path, whatever path you are on, you know, I'm hoping that you're learning new skills, broadening horizons, to be able to, you know, overcome, instead of repressing some of the feelings of hate and anger and those darker emotions that a lot of people don't want to talk about, because it's uncomfortable.
You know, often in our social interactions, we chit chat, we talk about the weather and how great things are. And I remember a co worker back in 2000, when she and I first met, she was from Belarus. And, you know, I had asked her, you know, how are you doing? And she said, Fine, and she laughed and said, when I first you know, came to America, I would be asked that question, and I would tell people, how I really felt, you know, going through a rough day or whatever. And she said, I realized that after, you know, a certain amount of time, that's not why people here in America, were asking how you're doing is just a simple greeting, and they only wanted to hear the words I'm okay, I'm fine. You know, that kind of thing. It was just a very simple, basic social level of iconology.
But I don't really care how your feeling right now? And when I heard that, that kinda got me thinking of like, Hmm, how often do we have that true communication with someone to say, this is how I really feel, you know? Or how do we, you know, come to a time where we can listen and say, I'm willing to be open to listen to what you have to say, instead of having our own agenda. Or worse, when you're talking with someone, you were preparing your response to that person, as you're, quote, unquote, listening to them. So in relationship dynamics, you know, no matter if you're married, or you're single, we have relationships with our families, our co workers, our friends, our loved ones. I'm always looking and striving to learn more. I think it's important that I do. And so I wanted to, you know, just to tell my story of what I learned at those first ACOA meetings, because it did make a difference in my life.
Again, that doesn't mean it's going to make a difference for you. I don't know, you know, if you go to meetings, great. If you don't go to meetings, maybe you can try to go one, or maybe you read the 12 steps, if it's for you, great if it's not try something else. So I hope that this episode, at least, either got you thinking of like, oh, yeah, I remember my first meeting, or I don't even know what he's talking about. What is that stuff? Maybe you can look it up. The interesting thing, and I'll and I'll, you know, just close with this, I was shocked, of those first meetings of how much I learned that my experiences were similar. The emotional things that I was going through were so similar to other people, what they had gone through and what they were sharing at those ACOA meetings. And there was power there because I realized I was not alone. And I can find, you know, people that I can learn better behavior patterns, to basically overcome what I had lived in the past. So with that, thank you again for listening. If you'd like to learn more, please visit the let go and be free comm website. And I do hope that you have a great week. Be well.