Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 30 (The Negative Power of Guilt)

Guilt can be used as a weapon against you by those closest in your life or you can allow it to eat away at you if you allow it to.

On this week's episode, I talk about guilt, how to overcome it, and the importance of being free of it so that you can thrive.

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Transcript

Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free: 100 daily reflections for adult children of alcoholics series. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com. And with that, let's get on with the show.

Now, with this week's episode, wanted to focus on the power of guilt, guilt can be an extremely useful tool for those who are trying to manipulate you, or if you're stuck in a cycle of dysfunction. So over the years, I've learned that guilt has caused me to make some decisions that I regret later.

So I want to kind of break that down and kind of just talk through especially, you know, my previous episode was talking about the holidays, there's a lot of guilt when it comes to family and the holidays of like, you should do this, you should go there, you should be open to whatever. And that can create lots of stress, lots of anxiety, could get you angry, frustrated, frightened, confused, it's a very difficult emotion to be able to deal with first, kind of go back, when it comes to guilt.

When I think back of, you know, some of my earliest memories, after my mom and dad had separated, and there was divorce on the horizon, you know, as a young kid, I didn't really understand what was going on. Often, I internalized, like, took within me these challenges of the breaking down to the family, and I couldn't understand why it was all happening. I felt guilty as though it were my fault, like I had done something to cause, you know, this stress within the family, you know, maybe I was too loud, or, or maybe I didn't listen often enough, and no one had ever really blamed me or sent me that to me. But, you know, as you're a kid, you're trying to put two and two together, figure out why this is happening.

You know, as I got older, I realized that that wasn't the case, it wasn't my fault that, you know, my, my mom and my father, you know, separated and were divorced. It was something that happened between them. And I didn't fully understand as a kid, what truly happened, I just knew the after effects of it. That, you know, at one time, the family was together. And then suddenly, we weren't, I knew that there were bad things happening, I knew that there was a lot of fear and stress and anger in the family, I just didn't understand all the nuances of that. So add on top of that, my Italian Irish Catholic upbringing and guilt is guilt is a thing that, you know, in growing up, I had to deal with on a, you know, on a daily basis, just going to religion class, often, I just remember sitting, you know, in religion class, and it was like, Well, God died for your sins. So you know, you should, you should love God, and you should always be there, you know, for Jesus.

And, again, I want to take the religious aspect, and put that to the side and the fact that I am not here to make judgment on what you might believe, for your own religious or your own spirituality. That's, that's not the purpose of this podcast. I can just tell you that in my own personal journey over the years, I've struggled with religion, and that when I was a kid, you know, I found it to be a solace, you know, with like, you know, going with my mom to maths, I was able to, you know, when everybody sang the hymns, I would sing along, I felt that community bonding, you know, believe that, you know, when I went to go to Communion, I was having, you know, this Holy Sacrament in which I was able to, you know, cleanse myself with my sins and feel God around me.

And then as I got older, especially when I was in high school, and I'm talking as a freshman in high school, I remember we had a priest, and he was teaching religion class and somehow, somebody in the class asked, you know, what happens if someone who doesn't, you know who isn't a Catholic, let's say in another country that they've never heard of, of the Catholic religion, they've never heard of Jesus? is that person going to die when they go to hell? You know what one of the A famous thought, you know, process of like, well, if you need to know Jesus in order to get into heaven, you know, as we were being taught as young Catholics, what happens if you're in a part of the world where, you know, you just never heard of that, because you were raised in a different religion?

I remember the priests telling us that, yes, that person would go to hell, it's necessary for you to, you know, find Jesus believe in Jesus. That's why we have missionaries, the whole thing. And I just remember, it created such angst within the class, you know, in the religion class. And in my brain at the time, I just remember thinking like, this isn't right. Like, this doesn't make sense to me, you know, why would an all seeing an all powerful God, you know, create a rule in which someone who doesn't know him is going to be damned for eternity, so that never sat well with me. And the pressure, you know, that we were getting from the religious training that that I was getting, at the time of being in high school was a lot of understated, if you don't do this, then these bad things are going to happen to you, like, you're going to go to hell, you're, you know, you're not a good person.

You know, I remember being in another class, later on in high school, and the priests was saying to us, like, if you have these sexual thoughts, sexual desires, you know, as you're, as you're growing up, as a young kid, as your hormones are going through your body, you know, you have to, you have to think of those thoughts. And, in your mind, with an axe, you have to chop them down, you know, and destroy them.

And if, you know, if you don't, it's a bad thing, and it's a sin. And, you know, just again, there was this whole premise of the underlying of my, my upbringing, through what we learned through school through Catholic school, those years was guilt, you know, you must do this. And if you don't, you're a bad person, you know, God doesn't love you, you can't be saved. So from from my perspective, again, I'm only sharing my perspective, I, I found that I was in a, in a situation in which, you know, the family environment, a dysfunctional environment of what happened between my mom, you know, and my father and the breakdown of their marriage, and then taking on that guilt of like, Did I do something wrong, overlay that with the, you know, religious overtones of my upbringing created a very toxic mix of, you know, you're not good enough, because you don't believe the certain things or you didn't do X, Y, or Z. And, you know, as anyone knows, we're all imperfect, you know, we all make mistakes. But in, you know, my upbringing, it was, well, you could create these venial sins, these little sins, or these mortal sins, and the mortal sins are going to doom you to hell. And, you know, you have to atone for these.

And, you know, all this was kind of beat into us, like, like, sometimes literally, in the sense that, I remember being in class, and I'm of such an age in which one of the schools that I went to at the time, you know, we were told, you know, fold our hands in front of us, sit up straight, and pay attention. And if you did not, you know, the Nan would come over. And I remember, she pulled one of the one of my classmates up, you know, out of a seat by his ear, and like, you know, we got trouble and whatever went to the principal and stuff like that, like there was this fear of, you must do what we're telling you, or there will be consequences.

So, the fear that was kind of, like really kind of focused in on us zeroed in on us. And the undertone of guilt sets the stage and the foundation for, you know, as I grew up, there was this guilt, you know, that I carried with me of like, back in time, because Eve, ate of the apple of the tree of knowledge. And that original sin exists that, from that point, all of us who are born you know, we're all imperfect, and we all carry this stain this mark for us, and we must atone for this. And his guilt was just kind of burned into me over the years. And so you know, do the do the best that I could to be the best son, the best student.

And when I would make mistakes, I would go to confession. And I would confess, and I remember having a litany like, I, whatever, I lied five times, I did this two times i, this I that I had these, you know, scripts in my head of like, well, how, how can I quantify the times I made mistakes, and I needed to go to confession, because confession was part of a regular thing, when you were in, you know, Catholic school as a kid, you would go, Oh, class would go to church, and then you know, you'd have to wait in line, and then you'd have to go, go into this dark, you know, area on the side of the church, and the priest would be kneeling, and there'd be a screening, pull the screen out, and you would be there and you would confess your sins, and he would say something like, you know, I absolve you of your sins, go say 10 Hail, Marys, and five are father's, and then you would come out and go to the pew in the church, you know, bless yourself, kneel down in the pew, and then you would do your atonement for your sins by saying those prayers, you know, that was the, the typical processes as a kid’

And over time, that just kind of was beat into me, you know, like, these are the things that I grew up with, these are the things that I've learned, you know, over time, and then when you apply that into friendships, relationships within the family, and then my first dating experiences, having that guilt, and the interplay of relationships is a very complex thing. So, for me, you know, that guilt also, you know, put a great stress on me over time, and that I did my best to be the best person that I could. And then when I would fail, I would go to confession, I would, you know, think about when I would go to church, and I would pray, I would do that all the way up until the time I think I was around maybe 19 or so that was like the, you know, what I was used to and growing up and dealing with that guilt. And then it 19 I cannot remember if I share this, I think I did a one of the earlier podcasts. But again, I was a regular churchgoer, when I was young, I again found solace in going to church, it was a good experience for me, I really enjoyed it.

I've always, you know, focused on the spirituality aspect to be able to help me get through some of the dark times in my life. And in one moment. I mean, obviously, I had questioned my faith over the years. But in this particular moment, I had gone to mass with my mom was a Saturday night mass. And, you know, again, I apologize if I've told the story before, but it's it's a pivotal story. And I think it's important for this discussion of guilt, and that the priest was up, and he was going through the mass and we're saying or prayers, and an older gentleman in front of me, started having some problems breathing. And he, you know, he didn't necessarily collapse, but he kind of kind of sat down and was was having some difficulty, so much so that, you know, the people that were with him, they were taking care of him. And then 911 was called paramedics came, took him out.

And I remember seeing him, you know, on the stretcher, and then he's being wheeled across the front of the church. And he's brought out. And what I thought was really weird is that the priest was kind of going on with the mass while this whole thing was taking place. And when it came to, you know, the homily, which is the part of the mass in which the priest you know, talks about whatever he has prepared, you will take the Bible passage and kind of use it as a story of what's going on in the world. I had thought that what the priests was going to do is when he saw this was going down and saw this person, you know, being taken out by paramedics, that he would stop the mass.

And he would say, let's, let's pray for whatever brother John, let's pray for this person. And let's all say Our Father or so and then then segue back into the mass. That's what I expected was going to happen. But instead, the priest just kind of like went on with everything, like go on with the show. And even when we got to the homily, instead of, you know, addressing what happened, he just said, like, one glow line, like, Oh, I like Cobalt is okay with this person. And then he just went into his normal, like, I had prepared a speech. And I'm going to talk through this and I remember being as a kid so angry, you know, is this whatever 19 or so you're rolled in, I just looked at my mom, I'm like, I can't stay here. And I got off and I left. And that was the day that I decided not to go to Mass anymore. You know, and I've talked to people who are very religious over the years have said, well, that's just one person that's not God, this and that. My spiritual journey is much more complicated than this one moment.

So I'm not, I'm not focusing on that. And what I wanted to focus on is that it sparked off in me a question. And the question was, what is the right thing to do at a particular time? And then when you make decisions, and if you're feeling, you know, that you didn't do the right thing, and that guilt is hitting you? Where is that boundary line between you did the right thing? Or you didn't do the right thing? And are you going to kind of focus on Oh, I, I sinned? I'm a bad and horrible person? Or is it going to be flipped?

And are you going to say, I, I made a mistake, I did something that was wrong, I'm going to take accountability for that, I'm going to learn, I'm gonna grow and I'm gonna become a better person. But never think that I am bad. And I think often with the guilt that I was brought up with is that, you know, we were born imperfect, wrong, because of that original sin, and you have to atone for it for you know, all part of your life. You know, and I look at that. And I think what is so complicated, and it is that that guilt, is just interwoven in the decisions, you know, that, you know, you make on the day to day. So, I don't know what kind of guilt you might struggle with.

But I would question again, that it is important to understand who we are, what we do, on a day to day basis, the mistakes we make, the problems that we come across, and the times that we have hurt, someone said something that was wrong, or, you know, own up to the fact that we did something wrong. I think that's that is important, but too far, focus on the guilt aspect of it, and let that eat away at you.

Or to listen to other people that use that tool of guilt, to make you do something, because they know that they can manipulate you. That's where that boundary line, I think needs to be built and strengthened. So that if you focus on, oh, I am going to, you know, decide, I'm going to go to this other place for the holidays, because it's something that's healthy for, you know, myself. And if let's say you have your parents are trying to guilt you into making a decision to do Oh, no, come with us, you know, how, how dare you make this decision that's going to affect your grandmother, you know, those kinds of stories, those guilting things.

When guilt is used as a weapon, to manipulate you, that's when the line is broken. And I and I point this out, because I do think it is so critical that we focus on, you know, the power of us understanding that it is our own responsibility to build up that boundary line on what is right, and what is wrong for us. And when we allow others to manipulate us, no matter if it's in a marriage, no matter if it is a parent child relationship, or a boss, and a co worker, you know, someone trying to manipulate you to come in on the weekend, or to do more work, any of those times that cross into a guilt being used as a weapon as a tool to take advantage of you. I warn you of that guilt, you know, those of us that are prone to it. A could stop us from being our best selves. And I want to focus a little bit, you know, on this and switch things up for a second make you think from a different perspective.

So I was reading an article about the singer Bjork earlier this week, she has a new album that just came out and you know, I've been following her over the last whatever, two decades or so. And I was like, Oh, she's got a new album out. Let me read about it. I'm reading In this article, and I came across this quote in the article that stood out, and she talks about, the quote is, you think you're being the hero, but you're actually sacrificing something. And then you become a victim. And I thought about that for a moment. And I put that into context. And I thought, Okay, let's take guilt off to the side. And let's think about many of us who grew up in an adult, you know, child, alcoholic, or dysfunctional family, there's addiction, there's potentially violence, emotional manipulation, there's guilt, there's fury, anger, lying, cheating, there's all kinds of things going on, depending on your personal circumstance.

And one of the routes that you can take is to become the hero, take on more responsibility, be the person that is going to do everything, think of all the situations that you can possibly, you know, come up with, so that way, when the quote unquote, bad things happen, then you're prepared, you know, you'll take on the extra responsibility of doing somebody's work that maybe that person was drinking, and, you know, they passed out, you try to keep the family afloat by doing more work, or working extra or doing chores, or doing somebody else's chores, because you just don't want to see that there is this fight or argument that happens within the family. So if you fall into that perspective of like, that's how you see life, the quote, unquote, hero, there is a time in which you're doing these things, and I can so relate to this, you're doing the extra chores, you're doing this, you're doing that. And then either resentment comes in, or you get tired, and you kind of collapse. And then you do the like, woe is me.

And then that's when you realize, wait a minute, I'm setting myself up to be the victim here. In that, I didn't have to volunteer, I didn't have to do all this extra work, I didn't have to allow myself to go beyond beyond the boundary, which is the healthy point of, I can only do x, because I need to take care of myself of like resting, sleeping, or whatever. And I bring this up, because how, you know, my own personal upbringing is so interwoven with this guilt of, you know, you must atone, you must be good, you have to do these things, you must believe these things.

And so the way I've gone through life, in my early part of life is, I would be that shining hero, you know, I always identified with the Superman comic book hero, because he was good. And he wanted to bring justice in right to all the world. But none of us are super people. We're human, and we make mistakes, and we will put that much responsibility on ourselves, we're setting ourselves up to fall. And when we fall, we fall potentially into victimhood. And then we blame others, you know, like so and so didn't do X or so and so didn't do y and we get this righteous indignation. It's your fault, because you didn't blah, blah, blah, whatever it is, you didn't, you know, help me make dinner and, you know, and then I got tired, and I, you know, whatever, and burned something because I couldn't do it all. Whereas if he would step out of that, and say, I need help, can you help me, or I can't do everything.

And then you tell yourself, there's that line, I can't go pick up the packages for whatever, Jane, because you know, she needs help there. There's a, there's a point in each of our lives where we need to have that boundary line. I keep talking about this over the course of this podcast over the episodes, that the boundary is so critical for us. And you might say, well, I don't understand what the hell's the boundary. A boundary is, you know, if someone calls you on the phone, you don't feel like dealing with that call. You let the call go to voicemail. Instead of you feel guilty that you have to pick the call up because you see on call waiting. It's so and so.

You know, you make the decision. Oh, I'm in the middle of cooking dinner right now. I am giving my child a bath. You know, or if you've got the phone and your boss texts you after hours or you get an email and you're checking your work email, and it's like, Oh no, it's 10 o'clock at night. And there's an emergency the world's Gotta end because the shipment didn't go out, blah, blah, blah, blah, you have a choice to make at that point, the boundary, the boundary line is put this imaginary line in the sand in your head. And you say to yourself, What do I need right now? That's going to be good for me? Is it helpful for me to take this call to answer the texts to answer the email? Or am I really overloaded right now, and this is not helpful help helpful for me. The challenge is, is that guilt then comes in, and whispers in your ear, oh, you're a bad person, you need to do this. If you don't, you know, you're not going to go to heaven, or you're not going to this or whatever, whatever is that little voice, you know, that you hear in your head, and that kind of eats away at you over time?

That is the power of guilt. That is a toxic mix between weak boundaries, and your inability to stand up for yourself. That's what a boundary essentially is, is saying no. And that that can be the hardest thing for someone who grew up, you know, in an alcoholic, or dysfunctional family? Because when you said no, bad things happened. You didn't want to say no, you may have thought it, you may have hit it. But you did not want to be outwardly rebellious to say no. Whereas in healthy relationships, it's important to say no, because you can't do everything.

This is the the clarification and the importance of building yourself up practicing that muscle of that boundary of how critical it is for you to be able to say, No, thank you, and have no explanation. You don't need to defend yourself, you don't need to create a story, you simply say no. And with today, with modern technology, it can be a little bit easier, it's more of the internal struggle in your head. So if the phone is ringing, and you don't want to get it because you're making dinner, let's say or something, or you're watching a movie, and you don't want to be interrupted, you can just ignore it. Now, of course, if something's in emergency, and someone's calling you back two or three times, you're like, Well, that seems odd, you might change your mind. But in most cases, you know, often being texted or called or emailed is someone asking for your time. And if you're not willing to give up that time, or to change your belief, come to us for the holidays, you know, we want you to be there.

Because if not Grandma's going to be so upset, and you're like I don't want to do that this year, I want to go to you know my spouse's family. And then you decide with your spouse, you talk and you make a decision to do something different. And then you're getting the guilt from your side of the family. You might say, well, you know, can't do it this time. But let's, let's make another plant and you decide to compromise.

The guilt layer that comes out from under this is do you allow that voice that you may have grown up with as I have shared over those decades, you know, of being a little kid, all those years, almost, you know, 20 plus years of going through, you know, church and Catholic schools and Catholic High School, even a Catholic College, learning all that. Is it something that I can then say to myself, I don't need to listen to that inner voice that says I'm bad because I don't always say yes, I can say no, I can set that boundary, that boundary is important for me. Because without the boundary, then I'm not able to be there for myself. Think about that. victimhood, guilt, trying to be the hero. When we do all those things, we're essentially setting ourselves up for failure. We can always do the right thing we can always be on. And we can always say yes, we're gonna be sick, or we might be tired or we might be busy, or we just might not want to do the thing that somebody else wants us to do, and is trying to guilt us into doing we can say no, unfortunately, there are some relationships and circumstances that saying no, can create extreme problems for people violence, you know, severe consequences.

And that's when, you know, someone needs to find a way to be able to get the professional help. You know, go to a center, go to a house that will take care If you don't love you and your children, if if there is such violence in the family, it's not an easy decision. In some circumstances, I get that. You know, for those of us that are focusing on building our boundary, understanding what that is that muscle needs to be exercised over time.

That means the relationships you have with your friends, your neighbors, your spouse, your children, co workers, and then your own parents or grandparents and such. Because if we always are saying yes to everything, that means we have to say no to ourselves, and then that's when we fall into victimhood. And over time, that is not going to be healthy for us, and creates an environment in which we can't thrive, and we can't grow.

So I hope that this episode has been helpful for you. It's one that I was thinking about for a while, kind of wanted to put a couple of things together to get these stories together. So I hope this has been helpful for you. If you like what you hear, I could use your support. Again, visit let go and be free.com. There are four volumes of books that are out there, there are daily reflections, each book has 100 basically chapters. So over the course of 100 days, each book, you could read a different reflective piece to be able to help you on your day.

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