Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 31 (Make Time for Those You Love)

It's time to take stock and reflect on whether you're making time for those you love. Are you overcommitted at work and in other areas of your life?

Maybe you're not taking care of yourself and ensuring that you have the strong foundation that you need to thrive.

Whatever the case, site back, and listen to this week's episode in which I share some stories of my own struggles in the past and how I overcame them.

Making time for yourself and for those you love is critical to living a healthy and balanced life.

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Want to learn more about Let Go and Be Free? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.

I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.

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Transcript

Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of The let go and be free 100 daily reflections for adult children of alcoholics series. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com. And with that, let's get on with the show.

And welcome to This Week show wanted to focus on making time for those you love. If you grew up in an alcoholic, an addictive environment or dysfunctional family, often, there are times that you overcompensate in other areas of your life. So for example, you might struggle with being a workaholic, you might be struggling with putting more of your time on others than you do with your own self care. You might be codependent dealing with a mesh meant there's a lot of different issues that you might be struggling with. But one thing I wanted to focus on is that often when we're on this journey, we're trying to overcome trauma and you know, very difficult upbringing, to put it politely.

We might get stuck in our head, meaning we're focusing solely on our own journey only on the things that we need to do for ourselves, or we might be misplacing some of our time, focusing too much on work responsibilities, other areas, and that often leaves a gap when it comes to those that we love. And so, you know, what I wanted to focus on, is telling a story about the importance of making time to tell those who you love in your life, that they mean something to you, that they're important to you, and that the work that you do, is centered around them as well.

So, John Donne wrote, No man is an island. And so we might think we're on this journey alone, and doing our own thing, but we have family, we have co workers, we have friends, we have spouses, we have children. And if we're wearing blinders on, we might be stuck in a situation in which we're only seeing, let's say, the two three feet in front of us, we can't really understand or, you know, the longer scope of things I'm remembering, you know, when I was younger, and first had children, how difficult it was to adapt to having children, you know, working full time, and trying to do writing on the side, and being married, and trying to be a good son to my mom, and keep in touch with her and the rest of my family. You know, that was challenging enough as it is. Add on top of that, you know, when you have a child, and then we had two children. So when you add the complexity, complexities of that, worlds change.

And, you know, for the longest time, I spent a lot of time and energy and you focusing on trying to be a good dad. And, you know, to me, that was really important because I grew up not having one in my life. You know, after the time that I was five years old. I saw my dad, maybe a couple times after my parents separated, and then I didn't see him until I think it was nearly 20, somewhere between 23 and 25 years of age. And, you know, I always wanted to be in a situation where if I did get married, and we did decide to have children, I wanted to be a good father. I wanted to be a present father, I wanted to be a person who was there who actually cared and changed diapers and, you know, rocked my kid back to sleep, gave baths took them, the Boy Scouts, took them to their, you know, shows and whatever else playdates and all that, I wanted it to be all in it was really important for me, you know, and that I didn't have many of those things. And I did want to have bonding time caring time with my own children.

And I remember when my kids were little we would be out in our small backyard. When we play soccer, and it was just this like narrow strip of grass, and we had to two goals on each end, and, you know, I'd be playing with my kids trying to kick the ball in, and they would come after me to try to get the ball and we'd play and, you know, have a good time we play wall ball, go to your area that had a big wall near us, we throw the ball against the wall, and the ball would come back and catch it, and the person would throw it, and then we'd keep taking turns and doing that. Just really simple things like that, that I wanted to focus on, showing that my children meant more to me than just, oh, you're my kid.

Like, I wanted them to know that I love them, not simply by just saying it by kind of putting acts of this is, you know, me showing you that I want to be there for you and making time for you. However, what I realized over time is that as a couple, when you're married, and you have children, and you got work, and you got all these other things going on, you also need to spend time, you know, in your relationship, building your relationship up. And when you put that on autopilot, that's when bumps you know, kind of come on the road.

And when the kids were little, very little, my wife and I threw ourselves into raising her children. And that was really challenging. In the sense that, you know, we didn't get a lot of sleep. As you know, new parents, our son had a lot of ear aches, and ear infections. And we just didn't get a lot of sleep those first like two years when he was born, was better when my daughter was born, she didn't have those health issues. And I do recall, when you know, looking back, when you factored in commute time, work time, coming back from work, and chores, spend spending time with kids, and then going to sleep, leave many hours in the day. So my wife and I started to schedule, like dates.

You know, even if it was like a stay home date, like we're gonna rent a movie tonight, gotta hang out together, we're gonna play a game together, we're going to go out to a movie. And when the kids were older, and we were able to get a babysitter, we would go out to dinner and a movie. And then you know, as a young parent, you quickly discover, wait a minute, I'm spending how much money on dinner, and spending how much money on the movie, and then I need to pay, you know, I think at the time, it was somewhere between 10 and $15 an hour for a babysitter, you're potentially spending close to 200 plus dollars a night for a date night.

As you can imagine, date night didn't happen that often because it was expensive. So we started doing, you know, a date night at home, like rent a movie was a lot cheaper, put the kids to bed, and then we would come down and watch movie. But I share all this in that I had thought that, you know, I was making time for those that I love that my life. But as things shifted and changed as my kids have gotten older, the responsibility is different. So I'm not, you know, giving them a bath and changing diapers anymore, and all that it's more giving rides to where you know, someone needs to go or being available to listen to a problem, you know, that one of my kids has.

And you know, when I look at the scope of all that I've gone through in the last, you know, 19 years of having children. There's a lot that I've learned about myself about my own faults, my patients levels where things are low, how important sleep is to me, and how important it is for me to make time to take care of myself. Whereas I spent too much time on work, work deadlines, making sure that work stuff got done, rather than making time to eat right sleep, right? Spend time with a loved one. Go out with a friend, uh, sacrifice a lot in, you know, those early years and I look at that I can't, can never get that time back. No matter if you have children or not.

The I think the topic of what I'm, you know, the CORE Center of what I'm trying to get at here is that if we're not making time to foster and strengthen the relationships in our lives, then what are we really doing it The end of the day, you know, if we're on our deathbed, are we going to think, Oh, I didn't finish the deadline for work, or, you know, I didn't finish, whatever there's chores around the house. Many people reflect and think about, I didn't, you know, make amends with whatever parent or sibling, I didn't make time for friends, and it made time for my parents.

And when we were in lockdown during the pandemic, you know, I made a decision to reach out to my mom on a daily basis by phone, because she was living alone. And we had two kids, my wife and I in house, and we were in lockdown. We had each other. And so I wanted to make time just to check in, you know, how are you doing? Do you need any food? You know, do you want me to go shopping for you? How was your day, things of that nature.

And so often we can get lost in doing everything else for other people. But we're not taking time, one, the foundation, take time for yourself, eat right? Sleep, right? Make sure you get plenty like hydration. And if you have time, make time for things like meditation, mindfulness, things that will help center you, as you go on your journey for healing from your past drama. And then the cycle, the circle widens. And those in your life, do you have a spouse? Are you taking care of someone? You know? Do you have a elderly parent that you're taking care of? If you are, are you taking care of yourself? Are you taking care of are you making time for other people in your life?

That can be a very difficult question to answer. Because it's it can be fraught with stress, and guilt. And some people might feel anger and that question because they may not have the time and they need to take care of a sick parent, or sick child, it's not an easy thing. So I'm asking for you to do like an inventory on yourself of are you taking care of yourself with the basic necessities to ensure that you're thriving, rather than just surviving? And then are you making the time to help others, you know, in your life by letting them know that you care that you're willing to listen, you know, having a conversation, you know, on a step and just listening, calling somebody and just checking in saying, Hey, how you doing? How things been, we haven't talked in a while making time to go to a movie or to a play or a visit have people over for dinner like things the average everyday life that if you are so oversubscribed between work, and other responsibilities, you could be neglecting yourself, and you might be neglecting those that you love in your life.

So I've seen this gone, you know, either way, either one. People recovering from growing up in a dysfunctional family might spend too much time, too much energy on someone to help that person. And they're not taking care of themselves. I've seen that happen. Or it might be so much is going on, you know with work, that you're neglecting your own family, you know, how many times could it be miss dinner with the family or couldn't get to a, you know, ballet recital, or didn't make time for someone's birthday or a friend's gathering to get together with everyone. If you know you honestly, are in that situation where you're thinking about those things, and you're like you have done that. The purpose of this inventory is not to berate yourself, or to be angry at yourself or frustrated.

Just acknowledge it. And then ask yourself this question. What can you do differently? How could you make more time for those in your life? Or how can you make time for yourself if that's who you're neglecting? You know, if you're if you're taking care of everybody else in your life and doing all the work and doing everything, but you're not making time for you? Why is that? Is it because you don't think you're worth it? Is it because you think the world is going to collapse and fall if you if you don't keep doing the things that are propping up. Others mean it's a complicated answer, and it may be one that doesn't necessarily put you in the best light. The purpose of having this inventory and thinking of that is not to shame you not to, you know, put you in a bad light, it's to acknowledge it, so that you can be aware that you need to change where you want to change. So, you know, I look at, look at things when I was younger and tell a quick story.

When I was working, I was one of, I think I was only the second man in my company, to go out on family leave, when my son was born, I took, I can't remember six weeks, something like that. It saved up my vacation time, and my sick time. And you know, my wife took her time, when she went back to work, I stayed home for that additional, again, whatever was six weeks, eight weeks with my son. But I had all the time to be able to take full time off. But I had promised my employer that I would work 15 hours a week and take care of my kid, I'd never done this before.

And I thought, ah, easy, that when the when when my son's sleeping in the morning, I'll be able to get work done when he's sleeping in the afternoon for an advocate worked on, you know, five days a week, I only need three hours a day is plenty hours, 24 hours a day, it's going to be easy. And I think back. And I could just say that I was very wrong. You know, I've heard stories of women who have had children. And they would say, I don't have time to take a shower. And I'd be like, how's that possible? You know, there's plenty of time to take a shower. And then I was home with a young kid. And I quickly, quickly changed my story, because I realized how challenging it can be.

Were my son in a sling, walking around the house, trying to get emails would put the laptop on the kitchen counter counter, and be swinging while I'm answering emails and then go up, you know, stairs and said the desperate Lola tried to answer emails, I would do work 430 In the morning when he was still sleeping. You know, I do all kinds of things. And it was just it was more than I was able to do. And I remember being rundown, tired and frustrated, frustrated at myself, because I had allowed myself to take on the extra work.

Because my head I was thinking, I don't want my work to think that I don't value my job. I don't want them to think that I'm not plugged in, I want to feel included, I want to feel special, I want to feel that they need me. Whereas reality, the healthy thing to do would have been for me to set a boundary and be like, for the six weeks, I'm taking off to take care of my son. But I tried to have my cake and eat it too, too both. And that was extremely hard. You know, I think back. You know, when you have children in your life, you can never go back in time, you know, to when they're little. And the time flies by so quickly. When I remember the times that I took with family leave for my son.

And for my daughter, they are some of the best times that I've had, you know, in my life, I got to figure out how to get them in the car seat, how to take the car seat out how to change a diaper, it's different between a girl and a boy with a boy stream shoots up when they're cold, you know, cleaning their clothes, feeding them, giving them baths, taking them places, you know, making sure they were safe, taking them to doctor's visits, like it was a lot to learn. But I will never get any of that time to relive again with them. It's over.

And those memories that I have, you know, they still stay with me playing music and dancing with your kid taking them to the park, having them play in a pile of leaves. You know, this is when they were older obviously not when they were babies. They weren't playing and they were playing leaves in like, you know, three months old. But um, you know, I think back and I'm happy that I made that time. You know for them when they were younger. Now that they're older, it's different, but I still need to make time but in different ways.

Now it's more of, you know, taking them places in rides, lending out the car, listening to problems that they have making recommendations on things, talking with them, sharing music, watching movies together, playing games together, all those kinds of things. And I look back, and I can honestly say that I did spend a lot of time and energy on work and work deadlines, and especially when mobile phones came into their heyday, you know, as basically always had my phone, there were times where I get called in the middle of the night, you know, if a website was down, and you get on a call, get things back up, talk with an agency talk with the vendor, all kinds of things.

And I sacrifice a lot of sleep, you know, to make certain that, you know, my work was done. And I have to say, I look back. And by putting work first like that, I wasn't sitting a strong boundary, that I needed sleep, I needed time with my family, you can't give your kid a bath, you know, and then your phone is buzzing, and answer at the same time, you just can't, you know, and I think of like how I would get the kid to bed, and then jump online to see what the problem was, instead of drawing a strong boundary and being like, I'm not available. And that's hard, because in an American society, if you don't put your work first, you're not going to get ahead, as they say, whereas other countries of the world, I think it's Francis either has, or has been working on a law, that your employer can get in trouble by break the law by trying to reach out to you after normal working hours.

You know, and Americans would be like, Whoa, you know, we don't work that way, we, you know, we work hard and play hard. And for what, you know, you're never going to get that time back, you know, with your kids, I can't go back into time machine, it's just not going to happen. Or, if you don't have kids, it's going to be never gonna have that time when you're young to hang out with friends, or, you know, with your spouse, or with a parent before they pass on, whatever, whatever your circumstances. So this topic of, you know, make time for those you love. It can be complicated, and it can be messy. It's not often a straight line of like, well, it's this thing or that thing, it's on black or white, sometimes it can be gray. But I'm hoping that you'll take the time to question and say, you know, where do you fall?

Do you feel too much you're taking care of others and not yourself? Or are you taking care of too much of work? Or so many? Whatever? Other things in your life, you're taking care of yourself? You're not spending quality time with what? Your children or other family members or spouse? Do you want to make time to volunteer? And maybe you've you're not married? You don't have kids? Where is that struggle? Like in your life of time? Is it with work? Is it with responsibility and somewhere else in your life? Take some time to think that through write about it, sit down, take a journal, you know, write in your diary, think about process, how do you feel about things, and that how the world is going? I asked this because, you know, in the last year, there's been a big shift in the great resignation of, you know, when people were coming out of the pandemic, they quit their jobs, they realized, I'm not getting paid enough for the amount of time that I'm putting in. And I know that might sound strange to say, but if you look at it from a high level perspective, 30,000 feet up.

If you realize you only have so many, so many hours and seconds and days on this planet, we're all going to die. How are you going to spend that time? If you're always using it for work or for others, and you're not making time for yourself or for those that you love? Are you going to regret that later? I know what that answer is for me. What is that answer for you? So I hope that you have enjoyed this episode, I hope that it will give you something to think about and to question to write about. And if you've liked this episode, I ask that you please share it with some friends. And if you're interested visit, let go and be free.com. There are the four volumes of daily reflections that I have out there. Feel free to take a look at those. And also, if you're looking to become a paying subscriber on substack you can go to the let go. And b.com go to one of the podcast episodes and you'll see links there for how to become a paying subscriber $5 a month. So again, thank you so much for taking the time to listen I sincerely appreciate that because Everybody's busy got something going on and you making the time in your day to listen I appreciate that I appreciate you thank you so much and as always be well.

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