Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 34 (Overcoming Imposter Syndrome)

Do you struggle with imposter syndrome?

Why do we feel this way?

Deep down we may think that it's our fault that we couldn't stop the abuse in our household. Or maybe we were told, or it was implied, that problems were our fault.

We didn't have the training or nurturing to build up our self-esteem and self-confidence to overcome the dysfunctional family we grew up in, but we can change that.

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Want to learn more about Let Go and Be Free? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.

I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.

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Transcript

Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of The let go and be free 100 daily reflections for adult children of alcoholics series. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com. And with that, let's get on with the show.

Welcome to this week's episode of The let go and be free podcast. In this episode wanted to talk about how to overcome impostor syndrome. And if you're not familiar with that term, or if you've heard of it, but you're not quite sure, if it's something that you have, that you struggle with, but we would kind of go through and talk about it and see how we can get in touch with our feelings and figure out if this is something which is holding us back from having a successful life. And we're kind of going in circles, always thinking that we're not good enough.

And that, you know, when we do succeed, it's because of whatever some other reason, not because we actually are doing well, we're not really trying to trick anyone. So to kind of go back a little bit, you know, I found a definition of imposter syndrome that says, it's a psychological occurrence in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments, and has a persistent, internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud. And I have felt that way at times in life, not all the time. But there have been moments where I struggle with this.

And there are certain aspects that I have gone through, to be able to overcome those periods, you know, in my life, and I'm wondering, if you're honest with yourself, when you think about succeeding, and in whatever your job or in raising a family or, you know, sports or books, or like, Whatever you do in life, do you have this deep seated fear, you're there all the time, or at some times that, you know, you're a fraud, it that there things are all you know, it's a big Sham, the whole thing and illusion, if anybody really knew you, they would see that your screw up, or, you know, you just got lucky, and it's not really because of your own talents or hard work. And, you know, I've done a little bit of soul searching on this and thinking over the decades of like, when I have felt like that, and there's a couple of reasons why I think, those of us that grew up in a household with dysfunction, alcoholism, some type of addiction, you know, that we fall into this, this rot, and this problem. And, you know, I was thinking of like, why, why do we feel this way?

At times? And is it? Is it something that we can overcome? And I think, you know, if, if I boil it down, the reason, you know, why I have felt this way, at times is like, deep down, you know, there have times in my life where I have thought that what happened, you know, in my early family life, you know, the, the problems between my mother and father that it was like, you know, my fault, because I couldn't stop what was happening, you know, the abuse that was happening in the, in the house, that I, it was either my fault in the sense of like, because I was there, and I should have been able to stop it, which again, logically, if you think about it, I was, you know, between the ages of birth, and like, five years old, there was no way for me to have been able to stop that.

And I'm obviously not responsible for that, but as a kid, and growing up, you think all kinds of things like when you're going through and living in these environments, and you're trying to figure out like, Well, is it me? You know, should I have been able to stop something? How could I have and your brain races so there's, there's that aspect. And then there are times in some families where you're outright told that It's your fault that you are the problem, if you weren't born, or if you know, you were this or you were that it's your fault because of blah, blah, blah, I mean, I have heard such horrible stories, you know, from people sharing their their deepest fears, when they would say that, you know, an alcoholic would blame them for their drinking, I mean, just think about that like to blame your child and say, it's your fault that I drink, it's your fault, you know, if you only listened better, or if you only did better at school, and you know, I can't deal with the stress, it's your fault.

And so I drink, I mean, even just saying that just makes me cringe, and makes me want to just go up and give a hug, to a person has grown up, you know, in that kind of environment. But unfortunately, when it comes to addiction, and alcoholism, you know, all bets are off, you know, in the sense that how people treat each other, how they treat themselves is warped, and is devastating, not only just to the immediate family, but, you know, potentially to the generations that come after that, because there's learned dysfunctional behaviors, that the children of alcoholics children's of those who have addiction take on, even though they may never pick up a drink themselves, or be addicted to anything, it's these characteristics that get carried and passed on.

And I think that is the, the really frustrating and horrible consequences that many of us are struggled to deal with on a day to day basis. So when it comes to posture syndrome, you know, some of you who are listening to this podcast may have grown up and in in, you know, on a family environment still might struggle with this, where, you know, a parent might say, it's your fault. You're the reason why there's all these problems. And when you take that in, and it is wrapped into your brain of like your, your deepest core of who you are, that can warp your sense of self esteem and self confidence, and cause you to question and have that impostor syndrome of like, no, it's, I'm really, you know, the skills and talents, it's, you know, I'm a fraud, I'm really this, whatever horrible person or I just got lucky, and I'm not really good at X, Y, or Z.

And, you know, when I think of these aspects, and when you apply, you know, how you could be struggling with these in a wider context. It's not simply skills, you know, you succeed well at it, you know, at your job, and then you you doubt and you get the promotion, and you're like, Oh, well, I'm, I doubt that I can do this, because, you know, I'm really this fraud, and I really got lucky. And, you know, it's really other people that helped me get here. And I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know how I'm going to rise up. Part of the struggle that I have found in my own life is like that self sabotaging aspect, in that it's really difficult to shine and thrive. Because it puts us in a context that we may not be familiar with. When we embrace our own power, and embrace our own sense of self. It puts us in an environment of we do have the sunlight and a shine on us. And the sense of we're not hiding anymore.

You know, it could be whatever you're volunteering, and you're being recognized for it. You're, you know, in a moms group, PTA, you're, you know, at work, and you're being recognized, you know, you've written a book, you've done some amazing things for the community, it doesn't matter what area you are, but when you hide in the shadows, because you believe that you're not good enough, because either you were told that or you saw the world around you when you were young and saw the pain and the abuse and the suffering, and experienced it yourself. And just think that, you know, there's no way that you could be this good person or I've done these great things. Because of everything that you survived and you went through and having that mindset when you think In that perspective allows you to hide in the shadows stay under the radar. And it allows you to kind of coast through life without consequences. You know, think of it this way, if you don't want to fail, the easiest way or way not to fail, is to just do the path of least resistance.

And not ever challenge yourself. Not ever put yourself in a circumstance where you might not do well, or you might fail. There's others that deal with perfectionism, in that everything has to be perfect. And when something doesn't go the right way, and it isn't perfect, well, you're screw up and yada, yada, yada goes down that whole path of, you know, I'm a failure. But the other aspects, and I fall into this carrot category, at least when I was younger, the superhero, taking on extra responsibility thinking it's your responsibility to fix what's wrong with the family. You know, and I've mentioned this before, I remember being a little boy, and you know, my mother saying to me, You are the man of the household. Now, I was a kid, like, what the hell that? I mean, what was I supposed to do?

And I took on that mantle of responsibility, because I was the superhero, I was going to be Superman, and I was going to protect my brother protect my mom. And, you know, we were going to thrive and do well, well, that only works to a certain extent. And, you know, as I got older, trying to be in protection mode, didn't necessarily always work. And also, there are times where people in your life don't want to be protected or don't need your protection. You know, I learned all that the hard way. And when you go in that kind of environment where you're like, Well, I'm going to be the superhero. And then when something doesn't go, right, and then the imposter syndrome kicks in, and you start thinking like, oh, well, it is all my fault, because I'm a failure that sets you up, to berate yourself, and to keep yourself in a limited environment. And when we don't come out of those dysfunctional thought processes, it becomes the self fulfilling prophecy, oh, well, this didn't go the way I want it, I must be a failure, I, you know, I'm a fraud. And next time, I'm not going to try for whatever. Whereas if we come to terms with how we feel, and admit it, you know, then it opens up doors that we may not have seen, were there in the first place. I, in my own perspective, and my own experience, there have been times where if something bad happened, I would look at it and say, well, if if that particular thing is going to happen, then I'm, I'm just not going to be able to succeed and things are all gonna fall apart.

Whereas I wasn't able to see that failure often teaches you a lesson, you learn something, and another door is opened another opportunity, another chance to meet other people to have another job to interact with those that you didn't see possible. doors are opened, chances, opportunities, worldviews are changed. And if you know, I allow myself just to be limited, and not to come outside my comfort zone, because if, you know, if you only look at things and say, Well, I only want to be the superhero, or I only want to do things that are perfect, then what does that mean? It you know, in my particular life, it means Well, nothing's ever going to get done. Nothing I do is perfect. Nothing any of us that we do is perfect. And I can't be ma'am to keep in saving everybody. It just doesn't make any sense. But being a kid, it did make sense. Because there was that lack of a father figure, you know, in my life at that time, there was the abuse and dysfunction and people struggling to figure out what did we need to do to get by when there are problems in your family, and if your parents are struggling with their own emotional maturity.

They don't have the skills to teach you what you need to overcome these same challenges in life. This is where, again, that multi generational aspect of taking on the characteristics of someone who is an alcoholic, or has an addiction comes into play. Where, if no, if you don't see emulated good self esteem and self confidence, you know, in your family life, how are they going to teach you to have that self confidence and balance within yourself, you know, you need to get that from somewhere. Otherwise, you grow up thinking that you're not good enough, or you have to strive to be this perfectionist, and you struggle with that. And I think if all of us take time to step out, slow down, shine a light on how we are actually feel and process that, you know, and I can see that people could get frustrated, like, well, what the hell is that going to do? I can tell you, you know, again, through therapy that I've been through, through adult children of alcoholic meetings, I've gone through processing and admitting within my head, my own self, how I feel, why I feel that way, without, you know, getting stuck, and perseverating on that. That's not what I'm saying. It's for me, I can write in a journal, you know, and I can sit down and I can process those feelings. You know, why do I feel that way?

Then I'm a failure or fraud, why did I not do X, Y, or Z, you know, and then admitting those things, taking that learning from those lessons, and moving on. So in the ways that I have overcome impostor syndrome is address it, admit it to myself, write about it, and talk about ways that I can overcome it. I've also talked of my fears to my trusted friends. And I've also used the outlet of either therapy or going to adult children of alcoholic meetings and talking about these things, in, in environments where you're not judged, where you have the freedom, to be able to admit what you're going through, share it, and then learn from that. And you can either learn from hearing other people's stories of how they overcame it, you could read about how other people over came their imposter syndrome, you could potentially get advice from a therapist on different skills that you can work on, again, the ones that I use a lot is the you know, ask yourself, Is this healthy for me? Is this true? You know, for example, if you're in a circumstance, and you get a new promotion at work, and you're afraid that everybody's going to see what a failure you are, you can then say to yourself, is it true? Is it true that I'm a failure?

And the answer when you're calm, and you've had the time to build that muscle within you, is often I'm not perfect, I'm going to screw up, I'm going to make mistakes on the job. But when I do, this is what I can, you know, these are the options that I have to be able to move forward and overcome that adversity. You know, I have managed staff, you know, at work, I have obviously had supervisors. And the mentality that I have is we all make mistakes. It's what we do with those mistakes. You know, if we type something wrong in an email, and it comes out the wrong way, because we forgot the word not. And you know, when something is looks like something's approved, where we meant to write, this isn't going to happen. I mean, how many times we've done stuff like that, again, it's a very simple, simple example. But I share that as if there is a problem that that is encountered.

At, again, just using work because that might be an easier one to kind of explain because often, problems at work, deal with larger teams. If there is a problem. The best teams that I have either managed or I've been part of basically say, here's the problem. This is not time, you know, we're not blaming anybody for it. We found out there's a problem. What are we going to do to fix it? How do we come together to fix that problem, and then let's move onward. It's the, you know, groups that get stuck in thinking about these problems, and blame people for them. And waste time, while the problem is still happening. You know, I've been in meetings in, you know, in different jobs over the years, where more people are yelling and getting upset about a problem where in my head, I'm thinking, I could be solving this problem right now, like, let's solve the problem, then you can have the post mortem, the retro to discuss what you can do next time to stop at first, stop the problem and fix it. So, you know, a good manager would would embrace the team, and get everybody to come together. Same thing, if you take it the interpersonal dynamics, within a family, all of us make mistakes, if you're a parent, your world is essentially, every day, you're gonna make a mistake or multiple mistakes and raising your kids. But it's being vulnerable. And talking about that, especially as your kids are getting older, and coming to terms with letting them know that you make mistakes, but that you're still willing to work with them and to help them and to do your best always unconditionally to love them. That's where that self confidence is in self esteem is built over time.

And imagine if we could give that same luxury and love to ourselves. Instead of thinking I'm a fraud, I'm a failure. A lot of what I share on these podcasts might seem simple, or might seem common sense. The challenge is to put into practice skills, lessons, that when we are encountered with these struggles, it's something that we're going to be able to overcome. That's the trick. It's not, you know, there's no smoke and mirrors and magic here. It's and I've said this in the earlier podcast, learning how to, for lack of a better word, reprogram our neural processes, we think a certain way, oh, mistake happens, I'm a fraud. I'm a failure. You know, I don't deserve this promotion, I don't deserve this accolade whatever. To change. That means we have to find other ways of the thoughts that go in our brain. When we encounter those kinds of situations.

That's the struggle. It takes time. It takes belief in ourself. It takes a core set of skills that often we didn't learn as kids, we were possibly blamed for other people's problems, or ignored or abused or with love with was withheld for us. Or we were only given, you know, love and positivity when we did something right. You know, and if we made a mistake and honest mistake, then we were paraded or worse laughed at, you know. So that's the challenge of, you know, thinking about overcoming impostor syndrome. If our upbringing, our childhood upbringing, was filled with dysfunction, then self parenting and learning those skills has to happen, no matter what age we are, doesn't matter. If your teenager when you listen to this and your 20s 30s 40s you could be in your 70s or 80s, it doesn't matter. It's still a skill that we need to learn. The good thing is we are adaptable as people if you think about it, how much did we have to adapt to really difficult and horrible situations when we were young? And that could be ingrained in us?

And you might think, but that's all my upbringing. How do I overcome decades of, you know, this negative thinking, thinking? And, you know, horrible parenting that was bestowed upon me. My parents weren't able to raise me and, and I got what I got. Well, we could think about that. Again. Here's the problem. We can blame. We can point fingers, we could be angry, we could hate. We could do all kinds of things, but it's not going to solve the problem. We can find and learn and practice the skills that we need. To overcome those feelings, and build self confidence, and self esteem, and self love, no one's going to do that for us. I've said this, I often sound like a broken record, I apologize. There's no magic pill, there's no magic wave of the wand and the fairy godmother is going to come.

And, you know, give us all the things that we need. And, you know, light and shining, rainbows are gonna fly all over the place, it just doesn't happen that way, as much as we might want it to. But what is possible, is that each day, we can take the small steps to get us to a better tomorrow. And a better tomorrow gets us to a good week, and a good week, builds up to a good month. And then a good month, translates into a good year, a good life. When we fall, we won't look at ourselves and say we're a fraud. We're not good enough. It's our fault. We will have the language and the skills to be able to overcome those challenges, and prop ourselves up, implement those tools and skills to help us get into a better situation where we're going to learn and overcome those challenges. I learned something the other day.

And I was listening. Brene Brown has the Atlas of the Heart book. It's a book about I think it's like 87 emotions that she defines and discusses. And I've seen this in other books, there's I can't think of it as a might be Mark Brackett. So but he did the book Permission to Feel that I read at the beginning of the pandemic, I think I heard him on Bernie Browns podcast on locking us. And the reason why I bring this up is that the premise of you know, Atlas of the heart, and then the permission to feel is that as human beings, we can only name a very limited amount of emotions. And when we don't have the language, to define how we feel, then that limits our knowledge, our self knowledge and our power that words are power. And I obviously I believe this because I'm a writer, you know, it's something that I grew up with.

And so the more that we can learn that knowledge is power about ourselves, about our world about others, it creates opportunity opens doors, allows us to see something that we can't see today, I cannot tell you, I don't care how dark and difficult things are. That if we open ourselves up to opportunity, those opportunities will come because not because we're lucky, not because someone takes pity on us. You know, it's because we are making those opportunities ourselves, ourselves because it positions us into different situations that gets us out of our rut, out of our normal way of thinking. And that knowledge is power is something that I don't, I don't think people really take into consideration each day. You can name the emotion that you're feeling.

That means you can think about it, you can process it, and you can learn a way to overcome whatever problem you're dealing with. Whereas if you can't put to words, if you can't come to terms with how you're feeling, to process it, to talk about it with therapists, adult children of alcoholics meeting with a friend and a journal, then it owns you that emotion, those problems will own you and you will be stuck. But if you take the challenge and say, I want to learn about how I feel, and that connection between your physical brain and how your physical brain with the emotions that you're going through how that makes your body the physical manifestation of what we live with each day.

How do we overcome that? Have meaning overcoming the emotions, if we're overwhelmed, if we're angry, if we're scared if we're grieving, like that's a process and that takes time. And if we know the language and the skills to be able to overcome and process and grow, then we allow ourselves to have a position where we can thrive and we can have the self confidence and self love and self esteem to be able to move forward. It is not an easy process. But it's also not impossible. If we see things always as dark and gloomy, and we do not get the help that we need, then that's our life, we're just, we're always going to be stuck. But if we move forward, there are opportunities.

Again, um, you know, I'm not a medical expert, if you're, you know, in need of seeing a psychiatrist for medication to deal with depression, you talk to your doctor, you, you get the help that you need. What I'm saying is there, there are doors that can be opened. And some of those doors start within ourselves, where we acknowledge and look yourself in the mirror and say, Yes, I want to learn, I want to change and not too old, to learn that new thing, that new opportunity, I can try, it might be hard, I can fail. But then I'm going to get up.

And I'm going to try again. So I do hope that this episode has been helpful for you, that it allows you to look at things from a different perspective. And to challenge maybe what you grew up with. And ask yourself, why do you feel like a fraud? Write about it, talk about it? And then see what opportunities might come out of that. If you were to say, what if I did something different? What if I took the small steps each day, it could be something as simple as mourning pages, that's a very popular one people write for a certain amount of time in a journal. And you might say, Well, what does that do? How's that going to change my life?

Language is power. Knowledge is power, knowing how you feel, being able to process it, and meaning that you feel a certain way, instead of denying or ignoring allows you then the opportunity to say, I want to grow beyond it and think about what a wonderful and powerful message. That is, if we would have received that as kids. And if we would have seen that emulate it in our parents. So now that we are our own parents self parenting, we have the ability to grow above and beyond that. So again, thank you for listening to this podcast, I appreciate you for taking the time to listen, I know sometimes I ramble off, but I do my best, I might fail. There may be some podcast episodes, there aren't as good as others, but I'm on this journey as well. And I'm doing the best that I can to move forward and I'm taking the risk to put myself out there. And I hope that this has been helpful to you. If you like what you hear and you want to support the podcast, just visit let go and be free.com. You can see it's where I've got all the podcast episodes got blog posts that are there. There's the four volumes of the let go and be free books that are up there that you could purchase. And again, the proceeds of that the royalties from those books, literally help pay for the podcast hosting and the transcription service that I use that I put the transcript on the website for those who need that. Thank you again, so much for listening. I hope you have a good day and a better tomorrow. Be well.

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