Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 35 (Stand Up for Yourself)
Do you stand up for yourself?
Can you stand up for yourself?
If you're not in a safe environment and live in the US, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence hotline (or contact your local resource center if not in the US).
In this episode, I talk about how to stand up for yourself:
At work
In your marriage or committed relationship
With your parents
It's not always easy to stand up for yourself, but there is a path forward if you begin practicing boundaries and get the support you need.
More Information about Let Go and Be Free:
Want to learn more about Let Go and Be Free? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.
I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.
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Transcript
Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free 100 daily reflections for adult children of alcoholics series. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com. And with that, let's get on with the show.
Hello, and welcome to this week's show, I wanted to talk about the power of standing up for yourself. I know this might be a difficult topic for some of you. And I thought we kind of break it down. I think those of us who grew up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family, there may have been, again, domestic violence, emotional, abuse, addiction, alcoholism, all kinds of things going on in the family, and just the thought of kind of standing up for yourself could bring lots of fear and worry and concern. So before I get into this topic, you know, I do want to kind of state that, again, if you are in a situation where you don't live in a safe environment, please reach out, you know, to an organization that can help you, I understand that it is great to want to be able to stand up for yourself.
But if there is a threat of violence in your living circumstance, or, you know, God forbid, with the children that you are raising with a spouse and the spouses threatening physical violence, please do the best you can to get support and help from organizations across the US to be able to help with you know, shelter and protection, wanting to stand up and listening to what I share here, and then actually enacting it may not necessarily be an easy thing to do, and I want to recognize that and to talk about that before, you know, I get into it.
So you know, I, I know, this is a tough topic. And it's something that it's not easy for anyone to be able to, you know, stand up for yourself if there is the concern of violence, being, you know, put against you. So with that said, get on with the rest of the show. I remember, you know, going back as a kid, and the last thing that I ever wanted to do was to, you know, stand up for myself, honestly, a lot of what I wanted to do is just kind of stay beneath the radar, not to be noticed not to be called out on wanted to basically live in a world where it can be left alone, be creative, do great work at school, and, you know, have fun within a limited set of means.
And I did not want any spotlight to be shown on me. There's multiple reasons for that. I think one is just the, you know, fear of what what if people see, you know, me, is that going to bring any violence or arguments or yelling or bullying or god knows what thrown my way. You know, I just wanted to do everything I could to get out of some of the situations that I grew up with. And some of them are, you know, way beyond my control because I was too young. And then when I got older, there wasn't the threat of physical violence, but there was a lot of emotional abuse, a lot of yelling, screaming in the house, you know, difficult to kind of grow up in and then later on, there was even more complications. You know, in my mother's second, second marriage, and again, it's not my story to tell it's just a plan. I say those words, remember what we all went through. That was a very complicated time.
So I guess, step one, if you're thinking about your own life, the marriage that you're in or the relationship, romantic relationship that you're in, or maybe you're a caretaker of someone that is struggling with alcoholism or addiction, you know, wanting to stand up for yourself could be a great goal. But then trying to find a way to actually put it into action is a whole other other thing. You know, I I look at that, and think about, you know, situations that I've been in the complications. You know, if you're a parent, and you're raising small kids, and you're trying to stand up for yourself, depending on the level of threats, or the safety level within your own household, that may not be an easy thing to do. You know, Statistics have shown that the gun violence, you know, has been through the roof in the last so many years in the United States. And often, those that are, you know, targets of the gun violence are women, you know, their spouses, you know, shoot them. I mean, that's, that's just a horrible thing to be able to say.
It's just, unfortunately, that's the reality that we're living in, that there's a lot of violence out there right now, a lot of disgust and anger and fear. You know, we can blame it on a lot of things. But at the end of the day, you know, the person that is perpetrating that violence is responsible to get out of those situations and to stand up for yourself is not necessarily easy. So what can you do, if you are in a situation where you want to stand up for yourself, let's take a more simplistic approach, let's say, you're at work, and you feel like you're being taken advantage of one thing not to do is probably not go to HR. Because HR tends to only protect the employer. Often I have found much better to go to either my supervisor, and, you know, if there's, let's say, a colleague, or someone else appear, share in trusted conversation with a supervisor, you know, the the problem and find a way to, you know, come up with a solution, I found that in the work environment, having witnesses is the best, making certain that, you know, you handle things, obviously, in a level headed manner. But you want something that, you know, you're gonna have a conversation, that's going to be possibly mediated by HR with someone that you're having a conflict with, but you definitely want to have witnesses there. So it doesn't turn into a, you know, well, he said this, she said that, or whatever that he said, or she said kind of thing. Or he said versus he said, again, depending on the situation.
Part of the, you know, the challenge of work environment is, it can be very subjective to your boss, I have greats who have had great supervisors over the years, I've also had a few that were not so great. Those that were not willing to stand up for their, you know, team, and basically wanted to take all the credit for themselves, or worse, ignored the team. They had their own agenda, and was basically trying to navigate through complex political work situations, to make certain they didn't lose their job, and they didn't necessarily care about the team.
So again, depending on the circumstance, you can have a conversation with a trusted colleague, could be a peer, could be a supervisor, could be someone in another department, talk through your feelings, and you have options, you know, option one, you stand up for yourself and be like, you know, I'm not going to do this or I do not wish to be treated this way. And then there could be Fallout, you know, there have been, you know, there are, I should say, not just have been there are are toxic work environments. The good news is that in the current employment sphere, due to so many people, you know, having either retired or moved on from their jobs during the pandemic, employees still have a little bit of the upper hand when it comes to employment. So you might be able to have a good conversation and actually get some change. If that's not possible.
You always have the option to leave meaning you start looking for another job. You've said your piece, you've talked to people, and if things are not going to change, you don't have to live with it, move on and find another job. Again, the good news is, the labor market is pretty strong. It's not as difficult, at least currently, as I'm recording this in November 2022. To obtain another, you know, job, where things get complicated is where it's outside of a simple transaction. And when I talk about work, it's a pretty, it can still be complex, but it's still a pretty straightforward transaction. In the sense of, you're giving up your time, and your expertise to work with an employer, and the employer is paying you a fee for your time and your expertise.
If you do not like that, meaning you don't like the work environment that you're at, you can stand up for yourself, and you can leave, you could allow yourself to be bullied, you could choose not to leave, and just kind of grin and bear it. I've been in that situation, because when my kids were young, I didn't want to be out of work, I found that difficult to find another job at the time. You know, it was during the financial housing crisis and finding another job was not easy. So did not want to lose my current job, and then not have income to be able to put food on the table and, you know, shelter for my kids. That was a difficult time. But I did eventually find a new job. And I, you know, since that time, I found another one.
There's, you know, opportunity, as long as you're willing to work, and find that opportunity to network, talk to others, build trust among those, you know, in your network. And that just takes a lot of time, it's not an easy thing, you know, gone are the days where, you know, you could work, you know, get a job and work there for your entire career and then retire, when I was out of work during the, the height of the pandemic with quarantine, looking for work, you know, in talking with a bunch of, you know, recruiters and such, they were shocked when they saw my work history, though, like, you worked this one place for 15 years, and you've worked this other place for more than eight.
And that was, you know, unheard of, you know, for them. And that in modern day, you have a lot of people that are staying for one to two years and moving on. So when I say that a work environment, standing up for yourself is a little bit easier. I understand that there's complications. My point is, you at least have the ability to be able to, you know, find another job, you could be working during the day and at night, you could be doing all your research, submitting resumes, networking, going out, meeting with people doing your elevator pitch, working with recruiters find a job, then you give your notice that your current job and you move on. Not saying that that's easy, but it's possible. Where things get complicated. And standing up for yourself, again, is in a marriage, you know, where things are a little bit more complicated.
This is when you know, thoughts of standing up for yourself is it going to be safe to do so physically and emotionally being able to do so some people might want to stand up for themselves by leaving their spouse getting separated or divorce. And then again, that's where the complication of if you have children, you know, come come in, having grown up in two separate families in which, you know, my mom divorced spouses twice. Let me just say like, as a young kid going through that, and then the second time is teenager going through that was really challenging. You know, having to move, losing friends, starting a new school, you know, bearing the brunt of it as a child was not easy. There was a lot of resentment on my part, when I was young, it's like, Well, I gotta leave my friends.
You know, and I don't want to do that, and overcoming that, and then making new friends then having to leave and then go back to another place again. And that was just, that was hard. Really difficult to be able to go through. And the, you know, the best case scenario in standing up for yourself. And let's say a marriage or committed relationship is that you can have a conversation with your partner, and you can speak your mind and not be belittled or emotionally abused, or God forbid, you know, physically abused, you can have a conversation to say this is what's bothering me, this is what's on my mind, and find ways to work together to overcome the challenges. That's the drain. That unfortunately doesn't always happen. Sometimes it might happen in some relationships, and sometimes there's blocks and there's arguments. And those arguments can blow up and become much more complicated than you know what you might want. The good news is if you know you married someone let's say or you're in a committed relationship with someone and you love each other, there's always a way there's hope.
You can work together and go see a therapist. You can go with our see a therapist on your own. Your partner might decide to go see a therapist. The basic level here of of saw I think the problem is trust, listening, and understanding. And if those things exist, there's a good chance that when you stand up for yourself, you will be heard. And you can have a conversation. And you can find compromise in each of us. In any relationship, you might want X, your partner wants y. How do you compromise? You know, I found that in, you know, marriage compromise is in, you know, an important skill, I can't always get my way my partner can always get their way.
You know, if you do, then the question is, why are you together? Because most likely, you're not going to see eye to eye on many things. complicated problems that could arise could be how to raise children, how to discipline your children, in taking care of the children, taking care of chores around the house, who cooks who cleans and financial decisions, do you have enough money to get by, with, you know, the challenges that's happening across the global economies? Right now we're dealing with inflation. A lot of families are finding it hard and and struggling to pay the bills, to keep food on the table to put gas in the car.
You know, how, how can you do those things, if you know you're having difficulty where, you know, the average monthly heating bill for the winter, in the United States is going to be up 28% For those who have natural gas heating, that's a lot of money and 20% increase. And that's just one bill. So if your food bill goes up, if the your gas bill for what you're paying for your car to commute to work goes up, if all these other things are going up, except your salary, you know, in the potential of a recession, or a recession on the horizon, you know, that creates all kinds of conflict and stress and problems. And standing up for yourself can be a little bit more challenging. When there is that pressure of finances and lack of sleep, if you have young children, and you know, one partner like you or your partner is out of work, those stresses can create more of a block in that your partner may not be as open to listen.
However, if you have good communication skills, meaning as a couple, you have good communication skills, and you're willing to listen, you're willing to then talk and share your feelings, you can work together and work that out. The challenge, and this is for those of us who grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional family or where there's addiction, communication skills, we might think we have great communication skills. But you know, we probably don't in certain areas, or we might struggle with certain areas, we might put on the blame game, blaming somebody for everything, we might withdraw and deny and refuse to engage in a conversation for fear that it might blow up into a larger problem. That can be a problem in and of itself. So when it comes to, you know, solving problems and standing up for yourself, I guess the question number one is, what do you want to stand up for?
You know, what, what is it? What is going through your mind? Is it something related to how you work together? Around the house? Is that how you interrelate together, you know, are your sexual needs not being met? Or worse, are you in a situation where you feel like you're being taken advantage of when it comes into the area of of sex, and you're just not comfortable with that, and you're afraid to say anything to your partner. Those challenges, again, are complicated, and can be really difficult to navigate.
For, you know, thinking back through some of the worst arguments I've had, you know, with with my wife, the therapist did come in handy as a as a neutral party where you can talk. And then you can learn about communication styles. You know, again, mostly, what is essential is that both partners have to have to really have like, good listening skills. For example, if you're talking to your partner, and your partner saying something to you, and while your partner is talking to you, you're already formulating what you're going to rebut back, that's probably not good listening skills. Or if you're trying to get in, you know, try to cut your partner off as they're talking.
You know, like you want to rebut whatever they're sharing with you that's also can be difficult. Of course the reverse is true as well. If you're trying to Get your thoughts out. And it's difficult for you, but your partner keeps interrupting you or challenges you or denies you and doesn't wish to talk with you like, I don't want to talk about this now and just storms off, you're stuck in a situation where how can you stand up for yourself if you can't even have the conflict, to be able to have a conversation. And one of the things that I learned, and this was a interpersonal communication class I took back in college and that, you know, a lot of young couples think that if there's an argument, it's the end of the relationship, you know, it's all over, it's like, argued, all is done.
Some couples don't argue at all, some couples argue all the time, some couples argue just right amount of time for them. But what is true across the board there is just because you've had an argument with someone does not mean that the relationship is over. What it means is, the couple needs to work together on finding out why each one is hurt, understanding why the other is upset, listening with true openness, and then working together and understanding what does the other person need? Like what are they trying to tell you? You know, do they want something? Do they want alone time? Do they want more freedom, and you know, not one person is just always trying to watch every move they make? Are they jealous, are they whatever, again, there's there's a whole myriad of problems that could come up, you know, in a in a relationship, or romantic relationship, where there needs to be discussion, and how to navigate through that. If it's very complex, I highly recommend, again, going to a therapist either first on your own, and then inviting your partner to come with you to go to therapy sessions to work through the problem together. Part of the challenge, again, I can only speak from my own experience is that having grown up, you know, in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family, there are certain triggers that I go through in, you know, when problems come up, for me, finances is a big thing. There were times you know, and growing up where we did not have a lot of money.
And I was afraid and concerned that there wasn't going to be enough. And what were we going to do? You know, so when, in the present, when those type of situations come up, my natural instinct is to worry, because I fear like, Oh, I remember when I went through this when I was a kid. And so what I do is put on the table, discuss that with, you know, my wife of like, okay, I'm feeling uncomfortable. And here's why these feelings from the past, they're trying to rise up within me, and I'm really worried about money.
Can we pull together and not spend as much money on X, Y, or Z? You know, can we compromise and not whatever, do this big expense. And that's something where your relationship can be whatever you define it to be with your partner, when it comes to roles and responsibilities. Some partner say I want the other partner to handle all the bills. Another one says, No, I want to be 5050. We're going to do this together. It really depends. And that's why subjectively the, you know, what you want to stand up for, could be any number of things. But the core, the foundational base, is communication, listening, and clearly articulating what you're thinking, what you're feeling, and then what you need. What are what do you what do you need to to thrive in the current environment?
And why did you bring this conversation up, you know, with your partner. So you've talked about problems and wanting to stand up at work, challenges and wanting to stand up for yourself within let's say, your relationship with your partner. And then there could also be just standing up for yourself as a child, standing up to your parents. Let's say you're not in any relationship, but you're the person that you know, typically was the caretaker for a mother or father. You know, and it's the holiday time and you know, you you want to stand up for yourself. How do you do that in a way that is not going to rock the boat? How do you stand up for yourself? And don't just capitulate and allow someone to manipulate you to do what they want you to do? Or they guilt you into it. I've seen that done in many times.
The challenge is, it's about building a boundary. And every single instance that I shared, it's all about communication, and then boundaries, you know, kind of saying, There's a line in the sand, and you won't cross that. And the reason why you don't want to cross that is, because if you do that, it's not going to be healthy for you. And communicating that. Hopefully, if your partner, you know, in a romantic relationship, they will understand that, hopefully, a boss would say, You know what, you're right, I can't give you this other project, you are overloaded, thank you for telling me that, I appreciate that.
Or if you're in relationship, like your parents, and they want you to do something that you don't want them to kind of manipulate you or guilt you into doing. You can say, No, thank you, I don't wish to do that not going to come for this holiday, I'm not going to do X, I'm not going to do Y I'm not gonna lie, I'm not going to whatever it is. That's hard to do. It's not an easy thing. And it's something that it takes time to build up those boundaries. And you might say, well, I don't want to do that. I want to stay below the radar. If you choose to do that all the time. Then the question is, are you happy? You know, are you are you thriving in your life, if you are surrendering, and allowing somebody else's will to always get their way? And then you fall in the line? Where do you want to stand up for yourself and why? Write it down? Talk with a trusted friend. Think it through first of what you want to talk about what your points are, and then practice role-play with somebody, you know, if you're going to have the conversation with a boss or a spouse or a parent, you know, hopefully you have a trusted friend that you could do this with. So that way you can better understand of like, well, what what happens if you know, the conversation goes sideways and escalates. How do you handle that?
This is where learning good communication skills, you know, is essential and building boundaries. It's something where it could be something as simple is, your child comes to you and says, you know, they wanted to buy something from from, you know, a neighborhood store. And the person was like selling local goods. And they're like, hey, this price is x, and your child really wants it. But let's say it's double what they think they can afford. If they buy it out of guilt, because they're like, Whoa, I didn't really want to spend that much. They're not standing up for themselves.
They're basically just saying, Oh, I feel embarrassed to be able to say I can't afford this. I don't want to afford this and they buy it anyway. It's a very simple example. But it's something like how often does that happen? Throughout our lives, somebody asked to borrow money, somebody you know, you get something in the mail to get money or your boss is asking you to work that weekend, or your boss is saying, here's this big project for you. Or your spouse says, Can you do this extra load of laundry for me? Or I'm going to have friends over? I'm going out tonight? Can you handle this responsibility? Like, what is it that you want to stand up for stand up, you know, for yourself for and why? You don't have to explain that to anybody. The why. But I think it's important that in your mind, you understand where your brain is coming from, and your heart and your feelings.
So it's it's, you know, using the words, to gain power to wrap around a complex topic is essential. And what I mean by that is, if you feel a certain way, but you don't communicate that if you don't put that into words, and work to solve the problem with whomever you're having the issue with, then you're going to be trapped, then eventually you're probably going to become resentful. So it's something to, you know, look in your in your hand and like weigh the scales. If you've remained quiet, is that going to be years of resentment? Is it going to cause you to blow up with somebody over something, you know, insignificant, because you're just tired of dealing with whatever the bigger problem is? Or do you want to like face it, face that challenge? Stand up for yourself and then chart a new path?
You know, these are not easy questions to answer. I can't answer them for you. You're will have to do the thought process of going through this yourself. And then again, highly recommend, again, going to adult children of alcoholics meeting, talking things through of how you're feeling not to get fit. You back on what to do, again, but to share your thoughts, get them out, talk to a trusted friend, go to a therapist. And then again, if you are in, you know a circumstance where it's not safe for you, please get everything you can to get help and find someplace safe to go live and take you and your children, if you have children, with you, it's just, you know, having grown up in difficult situations, you know, as a kid, and seen and heard a lot of things. I just want to make certain that if you are struggling and going through such a difficult time is yourself, that you're safe, and that you know that you are loved. And there is a way out. It's just might seem impossible right now, and I get that. So this has been a difficult episode. I hope that this has given you some hope. Again, I think I said that in a recent episode. I hope that this has given you some hope. But I do and I hope that what I shared is helpful for you. If you want to learn more about what I do for the let go and be free series, go check out let go and be free.com. A big thank you to everyone who has subscribed so far is a paying member of the substack. I really appreciate it. We've got to paying members. I know that's not a lot but it's getting me a lot closer to being able to pay the monthly bills to run this podcast. So thank you to both you you know who you are. Big thank you for that. So with that I'm gonna sign off for this week's episode. And as always, please be well.
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