Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 37 (Live a Healthy Life: Part 2)

In the last episode, I spoke about the first two steps for living a healthier life:

Step 1

Love all of who you are.

Step 2

Have a growth mindset and start asking yourself as you go about your day: Is this healthy for me? Is it true?

This week I review the next two steps:

Step 3

Ground yourself. Build small habits into your daily routine that act as the checks and balances to help you grow.

  • Examples: Daily affirmations, prayer, 12 steps, and journal writing. Or talk with someone: A therapist or a trusted friend, go to an ACOA or Al-Anon meeting.

Step 4

Get out of your own head. Go out and help others. Volunteer and interact with others. By giving of your time, it helps you see the world as a larger place and how we're all connected.

  • De-demphasize the importance of material possessions.

  • Distance yourself from social media and the trap of Dopamine (when you post something on social media, it makes you "feel good" when you get likes.)

More Information about Let Go and Be Free:

Want to learn more about Let Go and Be Free? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.

I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Let Go and Be Free podcast, a podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of The let go and be free 100 daily reflections for adult children of alcoholics series. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com. And with that, let's get on with the show.

Welcome to this week's show. If you haven't, as I'm pulling up my notes, notes really quickly, if you haven't heard the last episode, I invite you to go back and do so that would be Episode 36, on living a healthier life. And I go through the first two steps of how to do that. And to start off with, I understand, and completely aware that there is no guidebook of like, well, if I just do all these, you know, six things are magically going to be fine. That's not the purpose of my putting together, these podcasts, what I'm trying to focus on is, if you're struggling, if you're trying to find your way, here are some tips that I personally found to be helpful in my own life, I passed them on hoping that they might help you, they might help a family member, but they are not a tried and true, you know, do these things.

And magically, you'll you'll all be cured of any of your woes. You know, each of us is an individual, and we struggle with our own challenges. And our past and our traumas, my attempt here is to be as open and honest as I can and share with you. What has worked for me over the years. And I think that having this conversation will spark ideas with you that you can look at the steps and say, well, this works for me, or I might need to tweak here or this other area I met need to focus on that, you know, Ron didn't discuss it, it's more of an organic process. So just to quickly recap, in the last episode, I focused on the first two steps that I wanted to talk about.

And that is love, all of who you are. That means, you know, the dark, the light, the gray, the parts that you don't want others to see that you try to hide from the world. Embracing all of yourself is, in my opinion, critical foundation for you to have a healthier and happier life. And then the second step is to have a growth mindset. And what I mean by that is always being willing to learn to have an open mind, not to be set in your ways, you know, to focus more on opportunity of reading, listening, learning, you know, and going through the process of each day is when you're in a situation asking yourself this question, when you're going through the challenges of daily life, is this healthy for me? Where is it true? And by asking yourself those questions, it's a great filter to help get you out of a difficult situation.

If you're struggling with something at work, and you might say, is this healthy? For me? The answer might be no, it's not. And the harder conversation might be, maybe you need to move on and find another job. Again, this is just an example. So today, I put together two other recommended steps that I've thought through, have some examples, want to share what they are, and then kind of break them down. So step three of this process is ground yourself. So the notes that I have here is build small habits into your daily routine, that act as a checks and balance to help you grow. So you might say, what, what exactly does that mean?

Well, I have found that by setting my day up in a way that is repetitive in some sense that I have a toolkit available for when I have some struggles that are going through either relationship issues or real issues, real issues at work with relationships that I have with co workers or trying to raise my children like we all encounter all types of issues and problems. Well done. To help set my mind in a way that I will be at my most open, and best being able to interact with people and be my true self, so that way I can, you know, really live my life to the fullest rather than to feel like I'm just getting by. In order to do that, a couple of things that I have focused on are daily affirmations, prayer, using the 12 steps, and journal writing. Now, these are just some examples. For me, each morning, as I sit down at my desk, before I start my work, I basically have a little printout of some daily affirmations. And at first, I thought that this was, you know, like, I don't know, a goofy thing to do. I've heard so many people say, Read these daily affirmations, I'm like, what, why.

And then I realized, when I started, it was actually during the beginning of the pandemic, I came across someone, and she shared these daily affirmations and I printed them out, put them on a piece of paper, and, you know, would look in the mirror and read them. And it was funny, it was hard in the beginning, because you're reading these things about yourself, how you're going to love yourself, you're gonna take care of yourself how you're good, you know, no matter if you are working or not working.

And at the time that I was reading these, I was out of work, I lost my job, you know, during the height of the pandemic, and I had to find another job, it was a really difficult time for me. We didn't know what was going on in the world with the virus. You know, the economy was in freefall, so many people had been laid off, and I'm thinking, what am I gonna do? You know, I need to find work.

How do I do that? How do I stay in a healthy mindset?

And I guess, you know, what worked for me was to focus on a plan. Now, I share this because I know that that, you know, having a plan doesn't necessarily work for you know, others, some people don't like to plan I do. It's how I like to go through the day of okay, I'm going to start, I'm going to read this daily, you know, affirmation, these sets of affirmations about, you know, how I love myself how, how I can get through the current situation, or, I have done free association writing. And again, I'm an author, I'm a writer, I love to write.

Some people might find this challenging. For me, it's something that comes to me naturally, there is nothing more freeing that I can sit down, you know, at a keyboard, or I can have a pen and paper. And I've done this, where I just sit down and start typing with my eyes closed, and just type just type whatever is coming out of my head. No one ever sees what I write. And at times, what I've also done is I've typed, you know, something like in Notepad, and then when I'm done, I don't save it, I just get rid of it.

You know, and I've heard others say that they've written you know, letters, on a piece of paper, they've taken them, they've burned those letters, you know, symbolically that you're coming to terms with whatever royal of emotions that are inside you, or problems or challenges and you're you're you're writing about them, you're using language as a way of connecting the emotional like your neural pathways with the physical biological chemistry in your brain, of how you feel a certain way from, you know, the various hormones and such going through your body with words. I mean, if we think about what we're doing, when we are putting these words together, and how these words have power, you know, the word of like anger, or hatred, or love, we're tying those letters in words and linking them into how our body feels, and what we think when we're experiencing those thoughts. And giving ourselves that opportunity to be able to process those feelings. Talk about them in a safe way.

Again, no one is going to look at your journal, no one's going to look at whatever you've written, you destroy it, you turn it off, or you just keep it secret. Nobody needs to see that. That's extremely, you know, helpful to be able to process those emotions. Prayer, you know, I've been in again situations where it just seems extremely depressing and difficult. And you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

To those of you you No who don't believe in God, I get it, you know, you do your own thing. I'm just saying that for me, there have been times where I've found great solace. When I don't need to be in a church, I don't need to be reading, you know, the Bible, I could be, again, free associating thoughts, you know, me thinking, and saying a prayer, not necessarily asking for something, but just reaching out beyond myself to God, and focusing on, you know, what I believe, what I need help with, or being thankful, you know, for my family, you know, for my friends, for the work that I have, for being able to communicate and share my experiences with others, you know, in the world, that's always been a big thing for me, part of the reason why I wanted to be, you know, an author.

And then finally, as a suggestion, the 12 steps, if you've read, if you've gone to the adult, children of alcoholics website, or go through Al Anon, or AA, for the 12 steps, I've received feedback, I understand it's not for everyone. But if you do, follow the the 12 steps, they're a great way of reading through and running your brain through the exercise of how to process and get through a challenge that you have, it might seem a bit didactic to use those 12 steps. But what I do like about them is they don't have to be used in sequential order. I remember when, you know, many decades ago, when I first attended adult children of alcoholics, you know, meeting, people would say, Well, I've made it up to 12, the 12 step, and now I'm done.

And those who have been in, you know, going to the meetings for a longer time would say, well, the steps are, you know, something, it's a guy that you live your life with, you don't finish them, you know, there may be times where, you know, you did the 12 step, and then three months later, you might say, you know, what, I really need to go back to step four, and do that, you know, deep moral inventory through the course of the day, or I need to make amends to someone, I mean, how often has that happened, you know, to me that I screw up on something, and I need to make amends, you know, to my wife, or to a friend or to my children.

And that was something that, you know, using a specific example, about making amends. When I was, you know, when my kids were younger, and was raising them, my son, my daughter, when I would make a mistake, when I would do something that was wrong. I just remember when I was a kid, many of the adults, not all, but many of the adults in my life would never apologize for what they did, they would never come to me and say, you know, I did something that was wrong, I hurt you, I'm sorry, for that, I'm going to do my best to move on. And I want to be a better person. And I want you to know that. Like, I always thought that that would have been so wonderful. You know, if my father would have said that, let's say, but I never had that opportunity. You know, it was it was different the way the way I was raised back, you know, in the, in the 70s, in the 80s.

And so now, you know, as a as a father, I have been in situations where when I screw up and make a mistake, and remember, even when my kids were little, I would go to them.

And I would get down on their level. You know, I'm a six foot two guy, and I would get down and then sit cross legged in front of them, and I would talk with them. It isn't, in my mind, the importance of just saying I'm sorry. And and I say this, those who have listened to the podcast before, my mother used to say my father always used to say he was sorry, but it would never try to change his behaviors. It wasn't that I was trying to say I'm sorry.

Just because I would feel better, better and get the guild off my chest. That wasn't the point. The point was, I wanted them to know that I did something wrong. I acknowledged it. I wanted to make an amend. And I wanted to let them know that I was going to do everything that I could to focus on becoming a better person. So that way in the future, the same type of problem wouldn't happen again. Now, I can't promise that I would be perfect, but I wanted them to know that I'm human, that I make mistakes, that I'm willing to admit that to them, willing to be vulnerable to them.

And I'm hoping you know, over the course of time, that will make a difference. In not only how they see themselves, and the relationship that I have with them, but the relationships they will have with their own friends, and then you know, their loved ones in the future. So with the 12 steps, if you know, if you don't believe in God, you could pull God out of the 12 steps, and just read them from a more, you know, I guess, clinical aspect, I have found them to be extremely helpful, because in the midst of great problems, you know, an emotion that's running through my brain, having something to focus on a set of words, that allows me to do like an internal checklist on myself, is really helpful, at least to me, again, for this first step of, you know, grounding yourself. There's a couple of, you know, suggestions, again, the daily affirmations, the 12, steps, prayer, journal writing, and then also you can get into work that would be outside yourself, such as work with a therapist, if you have a sponsor from attending, ACA, you know, the adult children of alcoholics meetings, you can talk to your sponsor, talk to a close friend, someone that you can bounce your ideas, and feelings off of. So that way you can say, I'm going through this difficult time. I'm fine, I'm trying to find a way to ground myself.

And the reason why I focus on this is in my darkest of times, I have found that having grown up in a dysfunctional and, you know, alcoholic family, that there's these tapes that go through my brain, so I could be in a current circumstance. And it could be, you know, everything seems to be falling apart around me. And that kind of triggers these memories of being a kid and feeling lost and trapped, and not being able to get out of the situation, then what I found in that in the present, I kind of separate my brain just kind of just goes round and round and round of like, oh, no, this person doesn't love me, or this person's leaving me or, you know, I'm going to lose my job because I made this mistake, or, you know, whatever the crisis du jour, you know, is.

And when I was younger, I used to get so frustrated at myself because of that, when when I'd have these type of thoughts, I just wanted to cut those thoughts out, I would do everything I could to kind of just get rid of those thoughts, you know, and make myself feel better. And it just wasn't possible. And I think, you know, when I look back, what I was trying to do is I was trying to push the earth, and I was trying to push against the wall that wouldn't move, instead of letting the Earth Move me. And I guess what I mean by that is we're on the earth, the earth is orbiting the sun, I was spending useless amounts of energy, trying to fix things in a way that was impossible, because I was trying to go back in my head and fix something that happened to me when I was a kid. Instead of going back to again, that step one loving all of who, you know, we are taking the moment and grounding myself and saying, Okay, I see what's happening here. I love this part of me, there's this darker part of me when I mean dark, I just mean, the sense of like the shadow part of our personalities.

That triggered part of us. That goes back to when we live through trauma, or the problems that we grew up with, we go back to that little kid, and we're kind of stuck there. But instead of trying to quote unquote, fix that little kid, instead, just embracing that memory and bracing ourselves. We're closing your eyes, like I have literally done this, close my eyes and just thought I could see myself sitting and being worried and crying. In a room when I was like five or six. And as an adult, going up to me, that little kid getting down sitting cross legged, and asking, though, you know, this kid in front of me, if it was okay, if I can give them a hug, and they say yes.

And then hold that part of me. And it is that simple. In in the sense of instead of fighting against the past, to find a way to process it, come to terms with it, and realize that's a part of me. The only way that is no longer going to be a part of me is God forbid I lose my memory. Other Wise, those memories are quintessential to who I am. And each of us have memories that are integral that make us who we are. And for the longest time, is trying to cut them out, to forget them to fix them. And that's like saying, is trying to forget who I was, and forget who I could become and who I am today.

Why would I ever want to do that? I mean, now, it makes more sense that I can look at and go, yeah, why was he trying to do that? Why was he trying to push against the Earth? Instead of the earth? I am on the earth and the earth is moving me? Why don't I bend in the wind, like a tree, instead of trying to fight against the hurricane. I'm trying to use these, you know, similes, metaphors and analogies to kind of help paint a picture of what I mean by this.

And I hope that is helpful, that when we get into those moments, that we have skills, again, daily affirmations, saying the Serenity Prayer from, you know, adult children of alcoholics, you know, meetings, going through the 12 steps, praying to God, you know, talking to a therapist, it doesn't mean we need one thing, we've got a whole toolbox of different skills that we could use, what do we need right this moment? Is it maybe singing a song because you just feel like being happy, you're in a car and you're feeling sad, and song comes on the radio, and you just want to sing, I'll sing. So that's, that's something that I have found, like, these daily rituals, that I have them in my back pocket, for when I need them. For when I'm in a work situation, and something really goes bad at work. I mean, I've had, you know, toxic bosses that like would flip out at people in a public meeting and start screaming, and you're sitting there, you know, in my head, I'm reverting back, you know, tonight, when I was a kid, and some of the arguing and fighting that took place, you know, in my family life, and I'm like, Well, what am I going to do, I'm stuck here. And then when you have the toolkit, you can, you can pull out what's going to be necessary at that moment.

And you can say, you know, this current circumstances toxic, I don't need to be part of this, you can wall your feelings off, wall yourself off. And you could go talk to HR, you can say, you know, maybe HR isn't gonna listen, you can find a new job, you're not trapped. Again, I'm just using a simple example. It could be a circumstance with finances, it could be an argument you've had with your spouse, it could be argument that you're having with your child, it could be anything. But when you have this toolkit that is at your beck and call, instead of just per separating, and getting stuck in that moment, you have the ability to help yourself, and process what you're going through, and then get beyond it.

And I think that's the critical thing, so that we don't get stuck in our own head. And so for the step four, that segues nicely into what I'm calling, get out of your own head. I think often, many of us who grew up, you know, an alcoholic and dysfunctional families, and when there was addiction, where there was, you know, domestic abuse, you know, sexual trauma and abuse, and I've heard so many stories from people over the years and attending different adult children of alcoholic meetings. And there's been a lot of sorrow in abuse and sadness.

And when I say get out of your own head, what I mean by that is, it's so easy to say, well, I've got those 12 steps and go through them now. And I'm cured, and everything's great. But what I have found is when we either volunteer, we help others. It allows us to see the world from a different perspective, and helps us grow. So, you know, I've had the lucky opportunity, and I share the story and just the to, you know, clarify. I'm sharing this story, not as a oh, let me give myself a pat on the back. Anyone who knows me knows that that's not my personality. I don't tell these type of stories to say like, Oh, I'm such a great person. That's I always joke. I always say oh, you need do is talk to my wife or talk to my kids, and they'll tell you, you know, no, I'm not a perfect person. So, I share this story as an example. I had the opportunity to volunteer, and to help serve food to the homeless in Philadelphia.

And then this, you know, several times, the example that I'm thinking about, is, again, it is, during the height of the pandemic, it was it was the summertime was really hot. It was in the 90s. And the group that I was going with, we were going to go down, we're going to set tables right across from City Hall, just literally on the sidewalk on a Saturday night, and the group that we had partnered with, they would be bringing some food, we were bringing food, water, you know, things like granola bars, just some of the, you know, basic things. And people would just from the the area, homeless from the area within the city of Philadelphia would show up.

And, you know, in the beginning, it was a bit uncomfortable, because, again, during the height of the pandemic, you know, we were like, well, we had masks on, and some people hadn't, didn't have masks. And at the time, we weren't sure we were outside, but everybody was still wearing masks. It was just a weird, a weird time. But, you know, we had our tables, we had the food, I was at one of the stations, and you know, people would come up, and you would ask them, would you like the sandwich? Would you like, you know, this hotdog, would you like this, whatever.

And in my time of working with people, I've always thought through the process of like, what if I were on the other side? What if roles were reversed? How would I want to be treated? How do I get outside of myself? And how do I have empathy? I don't know, the circumstances that this person is going through, I don't know, what is going on, but at this moment, how can I treat this person with respect? You know, greet them? And say, Hello, look them in the eyes? And ask them, would you like this? Would you like that? You know, and when they say thank you, you say you're welcome, like, just basic every day. Circumstances, you know, and like how you would treat anyone just treat them like a person, normal person, instead of getting weird about it. And being like, well, they're homeless and this or that, like, no, just treat them as a person. And so there was a station, like a table next to me.

And someone had brought water ice. And, you know, I know that some people listening to this are from different parts of the world. You may not know what what our ice is. So just think of, you know, shredded down ice, and it's got flavoring in it, and you put it in a cup, and it tastes very sweet. Typically, lemon flavored, cherry flavored. And so this woman came up, she was very quiet. And I heard her say to someone, you know, may I have some water ice, please. And the person that was doing tables scooped up some gave her a cup gave her spoons that Yes, sure.

Here you go. And she had it. You know, when everybody went through and got their food. And I'd say maybe 1520 minutes later, she came up. And at that point, I was I was manning the waters table. And she said, Do you think I can have some more? I haven't had water ice since I was a kid. And she looked older than me. And I had this moment of just, you know, this realization of like, wow, I mean, there's something that, you know, you take for granted of, you know, a bottle of water or a sandwich or, you know, a hot meal, or for this circumstance with this, this woman came to me and just she wanted another thing of water. I said, Sure, and gave it to her.

And I can see the smile on her face. And I remember that, because I realized that sometimes it could be the smallest of things that we do in life. It could be holding the door for someone. It could be picking up muffins for, you know, your co workers. It could be listening to someone who really needs to be heard. It doesn't have to be II this grandiose thing, it could simply be getting out of our own heads and being open to have a very human moment to moment contact with someone. And that can be really scary in this, you know, circumstance, it was something that was amazing.

Another time, you know, when I've been working, you know, with the homeless in Kensington and volunteer through work, and I remember that I had plastic bags, you know, and I had these plastic bags. And, and people that we were coming to serve came up to me and like, Can I have a bag, and I realized that this person living on the street, they didn't have a suitcase, they didn't have a place to go to, to store their belongings, that we're going to use the plastic bag. And, and something that so many of us use his trash was like this prized possession for them, you know, and it, it helped me get out of my own head and see that there is so much great need in the world.

And I think we get so trapped in our material possessions, you know, we want to have the best car, the best house, the best clothes, the best, this the best that. And then often, that's a trapping. Because you know, we get stuck in debt, you get a house and you're paying a mortgage for 30 years, you know, it's the capitalistic, you know, rat race of you're chasing and chasing and chasing for something that is impossible to get, no matter how much money you have, you're gonna want more. And in today's day and age, it's also I think, greatly affected us.

And then our children have, you know, social media aspects, you know, the dopamine hit of, if I put something up on TikTok, or Facebook, or Twitter, or whatever the you know, biggest social media platform is of the day, you know, I'm going to get these likes, well, what are the likes really mean? You know, in seeing our children, I think anyone who has a teenager raising kids these days, it's just so different for them of, you know, having these phones can be a great blessing for them.

Because it gives them literally the ability to communicate to anyone in the world. But it can also be a great curse. Because then, you know, there's that, oh, wait a minute, I see on Insta, you know, Instagram that my friends are at a party, and they didn't invite me. And I feel bad. I don't like myself, why don't they like me, and then that cycle negativity, I mean, we are dealing with some big problems in society these days. And so for this step, get out of your head, it could be something very simple. It could be, you know, you could you know, help at your church, you could go help with the homeless, you could help people to read, learn how to read, I've done that when I was in graduate school, I really love doing that. It could be something babysit, you know, for for, you know, your neighbor's kids, it could be something so simple.

Again, holding a door for someone like each day, what can we do to make that true human contact with someone to get out of our head. And I want to be clear, I'm not saying to do these things so that you'll feel better about yourself. What I'm saying is, do these things so that you can help somebody you could learn and be more empathetic. And then that helps you as a byproduct. Learn more about your inter, you know, how you tick how you work. So, just as a quick recap, for these two steps for this second part of how to live a healthier life, ground yourself. Build small habits into your daily routine that can act as the checks and balances to help you grow.

Again, could be 12 steps could be journal writing, daily affirmations, prayer, talking to a therapist, talking to a trusted friend, what is your toolkit to help you become a better person and deal with the struggles of day to day life? And then the fourth step, get out of your own head? You know, how can you go out and help others? How can you volunteer, interact with others? What does it mean for you when you give your time? What will you learn about yourself when you do that? You learn that maybe you don't like to do it? Do you learn that you see it as a as a chore?

Or do you see it as something you love to do? Give it a try try something different. help break that per separating, you know, oh, the world is bad? Well, yes, there's a lot that's wrong with the world. But we, we, each of us can do something small, to make a difference. To change that. It doesn't have to be, you know, groundbreaking could be something very small. So, again, I hope that this has been helpful to you. This episode went a little bit longer than I expected. But um, thought it was good to be able to talk I had fun, you know, recording it, I hope you have fun listening to it. So again, thank you for listening to the let go and be free podcast. If you do enjoy this, I asked, you know, one, if you have a friend Ford on the podcast to them trying to grow the listenership. You know, as we move on with this, as I keep this going, if you can financially support, that would be wonderful that would help me pay for the hosting fees for the podcast, that could be you purchasing the let go and be free books that are available on you know, any online platform, you can get the print version on Amazon and the digital copies are available.

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