Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 50 (Is It Okay to Put Yourself first?)
In today's episode, we're taking a break from the 12 Steps so that we all have time to process what we've learned so far and ask ourselves this question:
Is it okay to put myself first?
Self-care is a critical part of being healthy. In order to be healthy, we need to focus on the following:
Our body (eating, hydration, moderate exercise [as approved by your doctor], and sleep)
Our psychological/mental needs (companionship, love, friendship, social bonds)
Our spiritual needs (this does not need to be God, but also entails yoga, meditation, visualization techniques, and our connection with nature).
Take time to do some self-reflection and be honest with yourself on whether you're taking care of yourself so that you thrive and aren't just surviving.
More Information about Let Go and Be Free:
Want to learn more about Let Go and Be Free? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.
Support the podcast by subscribing on substack and receive the newsletter.
I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.
More Information about Let Go and Be Free:
Want to learn more about Let Go and Be Free? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.
Support the podcast by subscribing on substack and receive the newsletter.
I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.
Listen to the podcast on:
RSS feed (copy and paste the link into your podcast app)
Transcript
Welcome to the Let Go and Be Free podcast, a podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free: 100 Daily Reflections for Adult Children of Alcoholics series. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, letgoandbefree.com. And with that, let's get on with the show.
Hello, and welcome to this week's episode, we're gonna take a little bit of a detour for this episode. Whereas you may have been expecting a discussion of step 11 of the 12 steps from adult children of alcoholics World Organization. However, I have a different topic in mind. And think, just, I guess on a personal level, going through all the steps, I need a little bit of a break. So I have time to kind of process the remaining two steps Step 11. And step 12. And so been thinking a lot about self care. And what does that actually mean, especially in today's modern society? Like what exactly does it mean? And so the topic for this week's episode is, is it okay to put yourself first? Now, one thing I want to say is that this topic could be controversial in the sense that I'm not saying that we should be selfish, and only care about ourselves, we should be narcissistic.
No, I'm not saying that at all. In fact, what I've found in my own life, and in having other friends who have grown up in dysfunctional and families that are struggling with addiction, within, you know, the parental units, is that making time for oneself and putting your needs on the map of like, Yes, I need to do this is sometimes really difficult for people to do. And I've noticed in my own life, that I'll do things for work, I'll do things for a friend, for family, for my kids, etc.
And then I put myself last. And as a simple example, there have been times where, you know, when the kids were little, you know, pack everything in the car, got to think about the diapers and diaper cream and the bag, and the sippy cups, and this and that, you know, remembering all that stuff and working with my spouse, and she and I were pulling this all together, making sure everything was there thinking everything through every, you know, possible permutation of something that we may have forgotten, I want to make sure that the kids have it.
And then I forget my own water, get somewhere and be really frustrated and be like, I remembered everything for everybody else. But I didn't remember my own needs. I can be thirsty, I can be hungry. And that's something that I want to carve out time, you know, in an a podcast episode to basically ask each of you to stop and reflect on are you taking care of yourself? Are you doing self care? What is that exactly mean for you? Is it just, you know, from your perspective, not that important? And you're too busy with all the other things that you're trying to do?
Trying to take care of, let's say work or family or whatever else you have on your plate? Or are you making the dedicated time for that self care? And starting off with the basics, I remember when I first started going to therapy back in God at this point, cheese was the early 90s. I remember talking to my therapist, and him saying to me, the really important things in the beginning is the focus on your essential needs.
Are you eating well? Are you drinking well staying hydrated? Are you exercising? And are you sleeping? Well? Are you taking care of the basic necessities that you need, you know, as a person to be thriving in life? You know? And that's when he started talking through with me those questions, basic simple questions, to work on your boundaries and to work on. You know your needs. Is it true? Is this healthy for myself? So, if I were to ask you, are you doing this self reflection? And are you taking care of yourself? You know, are you feeding yourself eating healthy are Are you you know, sleeping? Are you getting a good night's sleep? Are you doing light moderate exercise several times a week? How would you answer those questions? Is it a yes? Is it a no, you know, are you having food?
But let's say you're eating very unhealthy? Are you you know, not making time to sleep? Are you staying up late trying to cram in extra work or get something else going on? Is this something that you have the ability to be able to carve out that time for sleep? Why are you not getting it? This self reflection is really critical, and is important.
There's been study after study about the importance of sleep, you know, how it's important that your brain needs to kind of clear out, you know, different toxins through the course of the day. And unless you get X amount of sleep, hours of sleep, that's not going to happen, you wake up the next day, and you feel miserable. And then when it comes to exercising, I forget who said this, that was you know, the catchphrases. sitting is the new smoking. You know, now everyone knows the you know how bad smoking is for you with lung cancer, you know, in other cancers. Now, the sitting all day and not getting up, you know, is actually causing great harm to people? Are you taking care of yourself? Physically?
You know, are you getting up to exercise? And if you can't, because you have some type of a, you know, incapacitation that you can't do that. Have you talked with your doctor to find out what you can do? You know, can you do exercises from sitting in a chair? You know, what else can you do? Movement is important. And that's something that each of us has a different level of ability. At the time of this recording, I'm going through a personal, you know, situation, that's extremely frustrating for me, I injured myself back in November, from running.
And so I went to physical therapy, I'm now in the process of doing daily exercises to strengthen my leg muscles were hurt myself, and I can't run at my normal rate that I like to I'm basically have started from zero, and trying to build myself up again, without causing additional damage to my leg. And that is really frustrating, because I like to run. And because I can't, the you know, the way my brain works is, oh, well, you can do it, push yourself, but if I push myself, I'm just gonna get, you know, more injured, or hurt myself even more. And I don't want that to happen. So, you know, in my brain, I asked myself, is this healthy for me? So tomorrow morning is going to be a run day, what does that translate into, I have to do my leg exercises, and stretches before I go on my run. This is typically between five and 530 in the morning, before work, and then I'm cleared for running, I think it's like three quarters of a mile and a slow pace, see how that feels. And then do my exercise the rest of the day. If my leg hurts, then I have to stop.
Give myself more time to heal, and start over. So again, are my physical needs being met? Throw the question out to you. Are your physical needs being met? What are those physical needs? You know, obviously, you might think, oh, eating and drinking and getting sleep and but what other things do you need? What other things are you craving? Do you have good interaction with circle of friends? Yes or no? Are you making time downtime? So that you can enjoy life? Whatever that would translate to you? So do you have a hobby? Are you doing gardening? Are you writing? Doing a daily journal or daily pages? Morning pages? Do you like roller skating? Do you like listening to music? Do you like playing music? What are the things that you can do to take care of yourself? Because again, self care isn't just about physical isn't just about the eating the drinking and sleeping. It's also about the mental and psychological. Do you feel loved? Does that mean for yourself? Do you look yourself in the mirror? Not like what you see?
Are you comfortable with giving yourself a hug? Are you comfortable with saying I love myself? I know this might sound woo-woo you know might sound a little out there new agey. But your mental capacities of how you see yourself and how you treat yourself is extremely critical for whether you're going to thrive in life or if you're striving, suffering, finding it difficult. So in this episode, I want to talk through some of these basics. You know, it's great to be able to go through these 12 steps. It's a lot of work. And you know I've said this in the last couple episodes.
And I mean it take time to process and think through these 12 steps, they will mean something different to you over time, because you will have learned different things. You might think, Oh, I've done that step onward and upward. Or you might say, I never want to do this step and then have a change of heart. Or it might be the reverse and say, you know, I really didn't like that step, I'm going to move on and put that off to the side, come back at a later date. Listen to the other episodes of the podcast. That's the good thing about this, you have the ability to be able to stop, go back, read, listen to those to be able to help you like, what the heck did he talk about with Step five? That was whatever weeks ago, having that refresh? And having that time to think it through is really helpful. So on this, is it okay to put yourself first?
How do you answered that question? I know how I can answer it. And when I do answer it, I do have that little guilty voice that comes in the back of my mind, well, is it okay, if I put myself first. And what I like to think of is, you know, if you're on that airplane, and they tell you, if the plane ever goes down, you put your mask on first, before you put the mask on of let's say someone next to you. The reason for that is because if you don't take care of yourself, first, you're not going to be of any help to anybody else. I know that's a very dramatic, you know, use of an example. But if you look at it from a different perspective, if you don't eat well, if you don't hydrate yourself, if you don't do that moderate exercise, you know, as designated, what's available for you to do from your doctor?
And if you don't sleep well, how are you going to be there for others in your life? Meaning how you going to do well at work and interact with your colleagues? How are you going to be able to handle any problem that comes up within your family, with your friends, with your loved ones? So think about that? And answer that question? Is it okay? To put yourself first I'm saying that the answer to that, if you've never considered it before, is to say yes, it is. Okay. And then figure out what does that exactly mean for you. So you can look at it and break things down into three categories: Physical Realm, mental/psychological realm, and the spiritual realm.
So physical, we did a lot of talking about that talked about, you know, eating drinking light, exercise, sleep. Seems pretty straightforward. But maybe it's not as easy to do is what you thought, getting that extra sleep? What does it really mean? It's a big importance to have that sleep hygiene in your life. What does that mean? Put your personal devices away in another room, before you go to bed. Why? Because studies have shown if you know a phone is near you, and it can, you know, Bing and vibrate and do all kinds of stuff through the course of the night, your brain can't really get into the deep sleep that you need. And if it were to go off from a text, and that light, you know, gets shown on you in the middle of the night, it affects you. Do yourself a favor, put your phone in another room and let it charge overnight. Think about the importance of protecting your time for sleep. What does that mean? If you go to bed late all the time, and you're not getting the sleep that you need? What is your sleep routine, what I like to do is go to bed at certain time, try to make that time consistent every night. And I like to read a little bit before I go to bed.
Typically, it's not too long, usually so tired. And then the book is hits me in the face or falls off to the side. And then I put it off on my night table and then go to bed. So again, think about what you need. Outside of those basic necessities, sleep, eating and hydrating and exercise. What would that be for you? What other things do you need? So moving into the mental and the psychological realm? Are you getting the connection that you need with people? Do you have love in your life? Do you have friendship, companionship? Do you have people that you can talk to and you can share? Some of the most interesting things that I've learned in the last year is just about the importance of happiness.
And a long life is basically tied into our social network of How it's important that as people, we are social animals, we like to be in different groups and talk with people. Now, I'm an introvert. And that does not mean that I do not have the ability to be able to speak in front of crowds. I've done that many times, I have no problems with presentations, getting up on stage. Sure, I might be nervous, you know, in the beginning, but I've done it, I feel confident, I know my abilities, I can do that. For me. What being an introvert means is I get charged up when I have alone time. Whereas an extrovert is someone who gets charged up when they're in the room with others, and they can have that interaction.
What is true for you, do you feel charged up when you just have some quiet time, and let's say you might want to read a book, and you can just chill out and just relax. That's how I get to recharge my batteries. might sit there, read a book, listen to music, do some writing in my journal, go for a walk, go for a run, see movie, etc. I don't need to have that interaction with someone to get my batteries recharged. But I do, like spending time with people. I don't want to always be alone. I like talking with people. I like listening, hearing their stories, going places, you know, with people. So having that healthy balance, and one doing that self care and self reflection.
What do you like? How do you see yourself? Are you making time to spend with others? Are you calling people? Are you reaching out? Or are you being stubborn and saying oh, well, they should, they should call me, they should reach out to me. But if you have an idea, and you want to do something, reach out to somebody ask. And if they say no, you can do it yourself. Or you can reach out to another friend or another person. And if you have no one, if you're like I have no one in my life, there are interactions that you can have with other people.
There's organizations, meetups, there's groups at various group homes can interact, you know, assisted living, typically, at those homes, they have different events where people can get together in a room and watch a movie or listen to music or have discussions or play bingo, etc. If you belong to a church, is there a church group that you can get together? Meet up with people? What would that be for you? How do you get your own batteries recharged? And how do you find time, or make time to be able to interact with other people, because social interaction is critical. We only have our own thoughts, for only day in day out, just listening to ourselves, that's going to one get boring after a while. And two, we don't have that natural ebb and flow of being able to share thoughts and feelings with somebody else. And then to listen and have that interaction with somebody that's important that build those bonds, build those relationships. To have that love, you know, to be able to say, I love someone.
And it could be, you know, a platonic love someone that you love, you know, cousin, or nephew, or niece, or child you want to go places with someone and take them to the zoo or whatever. It's important that you have that social interaction. So the mental and psychological aspect of self care is critical. What are you doing for yourself to take care of that. And then for that third bucket, the spiritual aspect, that's where things get to be a little controversial in the sense that you might say, Well, I am not spiritual at all. I don't believe in God, I don't want to talk about God. Don't want to do that. Those of you who are spiritual will say, Oh, I see the importance of that. I do want to make time to be able to spend, you know, in praying or meditating. And that's the key point that I want to focus on here. If you are not a spiritual person, if you don't believe in God, there is still great value in having quiet time with yoga, or meditation. The health benefits are like through the roof when it comes to something like yoga and moving your body and that deep breathing. It is a great way to be a de-stress just wash that stress off your body to build your own mental capacity to be able to heal yourself to wash off the stress of the day. It's really critical that you You find what works for you in as I'm calling it that spiritual bucket. Again, doesn't have to be. It doesn't have anything to do with God if you don't want. It could just simply be How are you taking care of yourself from that spiritual aspect? Meaning? Are you doing something like visualizations breathing, deep breathing, meditation, or praying? How are you handling some of these other aspects of life that are a little bit more intangible.
Whereas with the body, you could focus on, oh, I need to get more sleep, or I need to eat healthier, that's a little bit clearer. When it comes into the spiritual realm. The point that I'm getting in there is to focus on something that is the larger aspect of yourself. One of the things that I have loved to use, I think it's been a couple of years, this point, it's the loving kindness, meditation. It's a great meditation, it's couple sentences that you can say, May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I have peace. May I live life with ease. And if you focus on that, the importance of that, and meditation is just so powerful in your life. It's just so important that if you focus, you know, on that loving kindness, meditation, it will make a difference in how you view life. I can't stress that enough.
And with the loving kindness, meditation, there are three levels to it. Level one is what I just shared with you, where you focus, you know, may I, and the second level you focus on is think of someone like a neutral person, and you think of them and you say those same words, you know, may they be happy, you know, may they be healthy, May they have peace, May they live life with ease. And then the third level is, you focus on everyone the entire world, you know, may the world be healthy, may the world be happy, May the world have peace, May the world live life with ease.
And you might say, what, what is the what is the purpose of this? There have been studies that show have shown that when you focus on gratitude, and focus on something outside of yourself, that it is a great way of dealing with your own stress and anxiety. Basically, it's almost like a deflection getting your brain off of your own internal struggles, and you focus elsewhere. When I first learned about the loving kindness meditation, the person that taught it to us basically said that she had been at the first step for about a year.
And that's when she started focusing on the second step. And she hadn't yet moved to the third level. And I've done that myself of like I've gone through, and safe to say, to be honest, I've gone through the first step, the May I part, I've sometimes think about, you know, may they think somebody else might think of a family member or friend or whatever. And I have tried, you know, may the world it's sometimes a little difficult to process, all that put that all in. And each time that I go through the loving kindness meditation, I've really get the opportunity to kind of stop and think about what those things actually mean to me and why they're important. They don't necessarily have to be the exact words that I'm using. There. They're the ones that had been recommended to me, you can change them as needed. But I will share that I found that when I use those words, they helped calm me. I often use them if I wake up in the middle of the night, if I have a restless light, I'll say that loving kindness meditation, you know, may I be healthy, may I be happy? You know, man, I live life with these men. I have peace. I go through and say those and I find that that helps calm me down.
The swirling catastrophizing or ruminating thoughts, you know, that might be popping in my head in the middle of the night and worrying about whatever soon anything these days, you know, deadlines at work or financial problems or a state of the world or whatever, there's just so many things. So I would recommend that you look and do a self reflection. And you ask yourself, Is it okay to put yourself first? And then see what the answer is that comes to your mind.
And then break apart. Either write about it, or think about it, go on a walk, no music, no phone, just go for a nice, quiet walk. Think about? How are you dealing with self care? In the realms of your body? Psychology, and the spiritual? And again, spiritual could be, are you making time to do yoga or meditation? The loving kindness, meditation, deep breathing visualizations, whatever you want to throw in that bucket of spiritual? It's, it's meant to be something a little different than the physical? What would that be for you? Is it praying is not praying? Is it the loving kindness meditation? What are you willing to try? And this would give your brain some time to kind of focus on something different outside of the 12 steps. So that way, when you feel comfortable enough, you can go back and then say, Where did I leave off? Or you step three, step four, take that little bit of a break, let your brain have that time to process. And then you can get back into looking and kind of thinking through where you are. But the 12 steps again, 12 steps are a framework. They are meant to help you with learning what boundaries are, and what healthy behaviors are in relationships? How do you then put them into play?
How will you interact with them on a daily basis? That's the point that you need to kind of think through. That's why I'm thinking, take this break this week. Focus on the self care. What does it mean for you? Are you an introvert? Are you an extrovert, extrovert, listen to this episode again, and have that time to kind of process it. So again, thank you for taking the time to listen, I appreciate it. If you'd like to support the podcast, please visit let go and b.com and purchase some of the books that are there volumes one through four, the daily reflections from the let go and be free series. Or if you don't have money, and you're struggling right now. But you're able to listen to this podcast, please rate it, like it, leave a positive review on whatever platform you're listening to. And if you're feeling generous, again, I am looking to get more paid subscribers on the sub stack. That's important for me to be able to pay the bills for the podcast hosting the website, hosting and the domain etc. So thank you so much. I appreciate it. Appreciate you taking the time to listen to me. And as always, be well.
Support the podcast:
Please note that there are affiliate hyperlinks used on this page and that I receive a small percentage of sales if you choose to purchase. I only recommend items that I have found helpful and useful, and am passing them on to you to help. Thank you.