Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 54 (Healthy Ways to Deal with Conflict)

Disclaimer: If you feel unsafe, get help.

In the US, there's the National Domestic Violence Hotline

Their 24/7 phone number is: 1-800-799-7233

Why is conflict resolution important? 

What does this have to do with growing up in an alcoholic and/or dysfunctional family?

Often we saw arguments, disagreements, and they escalated. As kids, we had no power to control what we saw. Fights could turn to ugly screaming matches, and for some, escalated to physical violence. 

As an adult, how do you deal with conflict? 

Rush in with a strong offense? Avoid it? 

Each of us has learned various methods on dealing with disagreements. Here are some healthy ways of handling conflict: Listen, validate what you've heard, speak what you need, and compromise. Unfortunately, if others are not willing to take the same steps, you'll get nowhere. Boundaries and descalation are critical. Protect yourself.

Steps to confliction resolution:

  • Listen

  • Express your thoughts: "I am needing..." [Not: "You do this, you do that."] What do you need?

  • Solve the problem: Compromise. If compromise isn't possible, agree to disagree. 

Conflict resolution isn't perfect and it takes time to learn new skills.

More Information about Let Go and Be Free:

Want to learn more about Let Go and Be Free? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.

Support the podcast by subscribing on substack and receive the newsletter.

I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.

Listen to the podcast on:

Transcript

Welcome to the Let Go and Be Free podcast, a podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free: 100 Daily Reflections for Adult Children of Alcoholics series. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, letgoandbefree.com. And with that, let's get on with the show.

And welcome to this week's episode. Want to apologize in advance? If my voice sounds a little bit off? I've been recovering from being sick. But I do want to make certain that we get this week's episode out. So pardon me, I will do my best to keep my voices steady and cough free as I possibly can. And we'll get on with the show. So did a lot of thinking on what would be a really good topic, good discussion of a skill set to discuss, you know, after we've gone through the 12 steps.

There's a lot of other ideas that I have for later in the year about going through the laundry list of the adult children of alcoholics. There's a lot of good content that's there that we could discuss. That's for future episodes. But I thought it would be helpful to kind of talk about, you know, conflict resolution, how do we resolve conflicts. And before I get into any of that, I do want to have a little bit of a disclaimer.

Because a public service announcement, I do not know your circumstance, I do not know all the circumstances of the listeners of this show. I don't know when this episode will be listened to, you know, I'm recording this in mid March. It won't go out for a couple of weeks yet. Sometimes people may not find things for a year later, or months later. So again, I have no way of knowing who, where or when this podcast will be listened to. And in one hand, that's a good thing. In another hand, I need to be mindful of my responsibility in the information that I share. Someone may be listening to this, and they may not be in a safe space, they might be in an abusive relationship.

And if that's true, before I get into any of this conflict resolution, you know, I want to share this information that if you are in the United States, and you feel you know that it's unsafe where you are, and you need help, there is the National Domestic Violence Hotline, you can call that number anytime 24/7 365 days out of the year 1-800-799-7233. Or you can visit their website, www.thehotline.org.

Now, when I went to look up the website, and I visited myself two important things to share, for those of you who may be in an abusive relationship and are looking to get help. Remember that if you visit a website, your browser history, the sites that you visit, it is trackable on your computer.

So someone could look at your computer and find out where you're going to. If you visit a site like that, and let's say your abuser is trying to track where you're going on the web, it's easy for them to be able to do keep that in mind. If you are on that site, and someone comes into a room and they're trying to see what you're doing. The good thing about the site is on the top right when I was on the desktop, at least top right of the page, there's a big red, there's like an x, a white x and a red box. If you basically click that x, the website, just it just goes away like it a 10th of a second. So that's something also important to know. I share this information knowing that some people may be listening and want to learn these skills, but it may not be safe for them, to implement them and use them in a healthy environment.

You know, I'm coming from the perspective of there's conflict, but conflict is solvable. I'm not coming from the perspective of you try to use these skills and unfortunately someone an abuser is going to cause violence against you or a child of yours or etc. So please do everything you can to be safe, protect yourself, protect your family. So with that disclaimer out of the way. I want to then get into what exactly we're talking about in this episode. And again, it's healthy ways of dealing with conflict You might say, well, I deal with conflict.

But is it healthy. And the reason why I'm bringing that up is there are some specifics to discuss, have you in the past, when you've dealt with conflict, you know, there's multiple different ways you may have handled it one, denial, there's a problem that comes up, and you just put your head in the sand, and you don't want to talk about it, where you run away from the problem that may have helped when you were a kid, that may have been great to be able to get you from point A to point B. But is it healthy now that you're an adult?

Another thing to consider another possible option is being aggressive, and going on the offense. So if you're in a conflict, you might start yelling back, you might start using a lot of use statements, you do this, you do that you you, you, you you. And the approach could be simply, if I'm in a difficult situation, I'm going to go kicking and screaming, you know, arguing my way out of it, by using boisterous language, you know, I'm going to put on a strong offense, that may have also helped you when you were younger.

But is it helpful now, the type of conflict that we might deal now with, you know, as an adults could be conflict that we might deal with in the workplace, being in the workplace, probably not a great idea to deny, put your head down and ignore a situation, that's not going to solve the problem. Same thing, being in a meeting, and then getting boisterous and yelling back at a boss or co workers probably not going to solve the problem. There are two of the major ways that may have been unhealthy that you've dealt with, you know, problems over the time, you know, over time, what I'm asking for, is a way to think at solving a problem from a different perspective.

Problem solving relations to putting up boundaries, talking about, you know, your feelings and like what you want out of something, how to come to compromises, things that are important to be able to do as an adult, to be able to solve issues to be creative, to overcome an obstacle. So, you know, when I think of this, I can go back to my own memories of growing up, you know, alcoholic and dysfunctional family. I remember when I was very young, you know, there was lots of yelling, there was screaming, there was, you know, potentially, when I say potentially, I remember specific examples, Chair being thrown, a lot of anger, hatred, being thrown, you know, my mom, just really bad scene. And I remember how I felt as a kid. After that, I felt depleted, afraid, worried, confused, because I didn't understand why the problem went from zero to 100, in the course of seconds, and I just could not wrap my mind around what was really going on. Like, the response to the problem was in order, it was just exponentially overblown. And what I didn't understand is, the problem that I saw as a kid was only one sector of it. So as a kid, I remember being in a situation and there was an argument over dinner.

And we'll just say, you know, one person didn't like what was being made for dinner, and started throwing, accusatory, you know, statements at the other parent, the other parent was quiet, and didn't fight back. And that seemed to even cause more problems, and then escalated from there. And what I didn't understand is as a kid, objectively, looking at the situation, I'm eating and thinking, I'm at a dinner table, and I'm thinking, I like dinner. I think this is great. I don't understand what is going on here. And what was happening is that there were other problems outside of the room, that were being dragged in to this particular argument.

So, you know, when people say things like, Oh, it was the, you know, the straw that broke the camel's back. That statement is, you know, often used In a circumstance in which there could be a very simple problem, but person gets into it, and it just blows up into this massive argument. And you don't understand why. And what typically is happening is people are bringing baggage from something else, work problems, personal problems, previous problems that maybe you were not aware of, into the current circumstance.

When that happens, you're stuck, trying to figure out, I don't understand what's going on, I thought we were discussing dinner, and it's turning into something else entirely beyond your control to understand what's happening in a fair fight, there are rules that are agreed upon. And these rules are sometimes spoken or unspoken. So for example, Neff Med, read many, you know, self help books over the years. And also, you know, in therapy, that if you're in a relationship with someone, it's important to have healthy rules of fighting that you both agree upon. And when I say fighting, really what I'm what I mean, is arguing, discussing something.

So for example, you might have an agreement with your partner and say, We will not call each other names, we will not curse at each other. If one person is getting really angry and frustrated, and needs a break, like a timeout from the argument, that person can ask for it, and say, you know, I need 30 minutes, I'm going to go clear my head, and the other person doesn't fight back and says, Okay, I understand.

And then you disengage, give person, some person some space, you come back, you reconvene, and you move forward with healthy arguing and discussion. If you don't have some of those rules, or even knew that rules are even possible, in a, you know, in an argument in, you know, between a couple, that's something that for me, like I was, I was shocked, because like, I'd never thought of that. Because I never saw that modeled out in any of the relationships that I grew up with, you know, my grandparents, my parents, my mom and stepfather, etc. I just never saw that behavior modeled at all, there was never a healthy, hey, let's, let's get together. And these are the rules of discussion. And we're going to talk this out, Oh, I'm getting angry.

Now, let's stop. And I never saw anything like that. But that is possible. If you want that. Problem is, does the other person want the same thing? If you both are working to have a healthy relationship, then yes, that is possible. But I'm going to use an extreme example. So let's say you're just making it up, we're just taking a made up example. Let's say your mother is an alcoholic, and is struggling with addiction. And you want to discuss with her problems that you have when you come home for a holidays. And there's always drama and fighting and arguing etc. Trying to impose or ask for healthy behaviors for someone who is not willing or not able to meet you halfway is not going to solve that problem. And that then unfortunately, this is where resolving conflict in a healthy way, breaks down.

Because you know, the old adage, it takes two to tango is true. You can't come into a problem with a list of healthy behaviors. And then the other person or persons if it's a multi, you know, scene conflict. It let's say if both parents drink, and you're trying to, you know, resolve an issue that's come up, it's, it's just not gonna work. And that's hard to that's, that's hard to accept. You know, I know a lot of people have just basically wanted their parents to be there for them, to love them to care for them. And even that they're older, they just want that acceptance of a normal relationship with a parent. That just may not be possible. And that's hard to hear. So we're going to put that off to the side. Just put that in a parking lot for a minute. And we're going to come back and let's talk through the rest of what's healthy, and how you can resolve conflicts. So let's say you're in a work situation.

And there's a meeting. And, you know, a problem arises over how to solve a work issue, there were, let's say there was an error or something happened, there was a problem. And typically, in a work environment, typically, there's not going to be screaming and yelling, and flipping out and all that kind of stuff, there might be a little bit of that, I've seen that, you know, in my day in, in various meetings, but it's always been a lot calmer than some of the stuff that goes on, you know, in a family environment. So I'm using a work example, is typically, there's a little bit more room for people willing to compromise, because they know their performance is tied to it, they know, a boss, you know, will be looking down on them and being like, you can't just scream and curse and get your way out, you're gonna go to HR, again, typically, maybe that's not your work, circumstance, but just go with me on this. If there is this disagreement, you need to bring to the table, your thoughts, what you're thinking, and you need to be able to listen to an opposing point of view, and then kind of hash things out. So the way I like to bring things, you know, very simplistic and healthy conflict.

Resolution is, you listen, what does the other person have to say, you know, there needs to be a little bit of time, not that they go on forever, a little bit of time where they explain, look, the problem was x, and this is what I think we should do to solve it. You listen to that. And then you might have an opposing point of view, I think the problem is x also, or was why, and, but I think we should do this other thing.

And then you're trying to figure out, what is the compromise, what is going to solve the problem, you know, if it's a work environment might be what will be the fastest way, you know, cheapest way, or the best way, whatever, you know, whatever the goals of the project are, and get that worked out, that's a little bit easier to do. But if you're in a relationship, you're married, or you're, you know, engaged to be married, or you're in a long term relationship, and you're trying to work something out with your partner, it could be much more complicated, it could be a financial argument that you're having, can't make ends meet. And you're trying to figure out how to, you know, how to cut costs, and someone may have lost their job, it could be multiple layers of problems that you're trying to deal with.

Often, again, you listen, express your thoughts. And this is where things can be a little bit different. When you're in the interpersonal space of a relationship. Instead of you saying, You did this, or you did that, or, you know, you cause this problem four is your fault, because you lost your job, you flip it, and use I statements. But what's important is, you express your thoughts and say, I am needing X, I am needing stability. Right now we're going through this financial problem. And I'm scared, I'm worried because it's reminding me when I was a kid, and we didn't have money, and we were gonna get kicked out of our house. And we were bla bla bla, I need stability now.

And then how do you solve the problem? How do you resolve that? How do you get that stability? And what does the other person want? The other person might want your support as they're looking for a job. The other person might say, I'm also scared. And I'm also afraid that we're not going to be able to pay our bills. What are we going to do to be able to solve this? How can we work together? And that's where openness and creativity. Someone might say, you know, one partner could say, well, what if we cut back on these things? What if I asked for help from my parents? Or what if I get a second job? Or what if we sell the second car?

Again, I'm just brainstorming off the top of my head. Instead of you lost your job, because, you know, you don't care about us, and you're this and you're that and, you know, maybe the person lost their job, and it's no fault of their own. And he just got laid off because there's budget cuts, you know, what are you going to do yelling that the person lost their job is not going to solve anything, especially if it wasn't their fault. What is the problem? How to resolve the problem and what are the solutions person might say, I'm started to go to networking meetings.

I've, you know, worked on my resume. I have done these things. I'm looking for a job, but it's probably going to take took me months to find something else. And the other person's like, well, what are we going to do to pay, you know, money, you know, for our bills, and how are we going to do this, and you have to talk those things out, figure out what solutions are. You know, I look at this, and oftentimes, money is a big trigger for longer term, repeatable arguments within a relationship, and it's not easy, you know, to be able to just get through those times.

And I remember, as a kid, with all the problems that we grew up with my grandfather, who grew up during the Great Depression, always used to say, to me save money for a rainy day, to the point that like, that is, like, burned into my head, you know, like, save everything you can, because there could be a time where this catastrophic thing is going to happen in his mind, it was great depression, and you're going to need that money. And I remember him telling me stories about like, you know, the canned goods that we'd be put in the basement, and the family would have extra so that way, you know, if there was, you know, needed to get by, they could they could get by, you know, to be able to go through what happened beyond his control, and his parents control directly affected him.

And that's something that we in our lifetime, we've gone through the great financial, you know, recession, the crash back in what 2008 There's been the pandemic, there's been, you know, gas prices that went through and major inflation, there's been massive, massive financial ups and downs over the course of the last 15 years. And I expect, there's going to continue to be as there's instability in the world, some of that is entirely beyond our control. However, some of it, we can control. And that is, again, where I find the Serenity Prayer to be extremely helpful when you when you run through that and be like, I can't control the world outside. But I can control my feelings like what's inside me, I can control I can, I can express my feelings and healthy way I can process them.

And then I can come up with solutions to be able to help me get through the difficult times. And some of the stuff may be long term solutions that, you know, inch by inch, day by day, get you through, you know, saving $25 Extra, you know, every week and putting it away, you know, in a bank account. And you might say, That's impossible, I can't do that. I don't have that kind of extra money. That could be true. And that's where things get really difficult, because you might be working two jobs already, you might be doing everything you possibly can to get by, and still, you've got the pressure of these financial woes on top of you.

Some, you know, you're able to resolve you might be able to pay off any debt, you might be able to, you know, pull back on expenses, find a cheaper place to live, or, you know, do without luxuries, some will be able to get by some no matter what you do you feel like you're always in a hole. And that is frustrating. And I can understand how that makes you feel powerless. When I was a kid, I remember fearing that we weren't going to have the place to live. I remember, you know, there would be really good times.

And then there were other times where, you know, I didn't, I didn't know how I was going to get by. And that sucked. You know, I mean, I hate to be crass, but it really did. And as a kid, and having no power in that kind of circumstance that got burned into my head. And you may have similar stories, similar fears, that when you come into the present, they are these triggers that are these, this is baggage that you carry.

And when you are in a circumstance and you're worried about how are we going to pay the bills, this fear might be sparked within you. And that conflict, you know comes out and you're not willing to have healthy discussion with someone because you're just going into primal fear mode. And you just don't want to be you know, put out on the street or, you know, worried that you can't get food for your kids are, etc. So, finances and arguing over finances can be a really difficult difficult problem to solve. You know, within a family, if times are good now, you know, as my grandfather always said, save for that rainy day, you know, do you need to spend 100% of axon, whatever luxury thing you're going to do? Take a portion of that money, put it aside, and work that with your partner and plan that out? If you have the ability to be able to do that, if not, what can you do? How can you work to resolve that conflict between the two of you? So that way, it's not you yelling at somebody or them yelling at you? How can you work together to move things forward.

And it might be asking for help from a church or some social service from the government, or from your family, or, you know, again, cut back on things. And I'm just using the financial example, as that typically tends to be a big trigger. And one that could happen multiple times over the course of your life could not, you know, it might be things great, then somebody loses a job, or there's a death in the family, and there's bills and issues and the complexities of that. So when it comes to conflict, depending on what it is, you got to ask yourself the question, is it even solvable? And it's gonna go back to some of the really hard, difficult things, some of the skills that we learned, we talked about in earlier episodes. Is it true? Is this healthy for me? So if you hit into a conflict, and you're like, barreling into something, is this solvable? Is this true that it's something that you can solve, if it deals with someone outside of your, you know, realm of influence.

So for example, if it's your parents that continue to drink, and the drinking to excess, and there's problems that come out, over whatever family gatherings, the holidays, meanings, etc, you might have to put that hard boundary down and say, I need to take care of myself, and my family. And you can't see this, but I'm actually drawing a wall, like with my hand, in front of the laptop screen. And your health, and the health of your kids, your family is paramount. You are not responsible for solving the problems of your parents say that, again, you are not responsible for solving your parents problems. If they drink, you can't stop them from drinking. If they're blowing all their money on drugs or alcohol, you cannot solve that problem. Only they can solve that problem. And again, parent, it could be a sibling, it could be a spouse, it could be whatever. And that is a hard truth to be able to accept. So before you even get into the conflict resolution, it's almost like a decision tree. You know, like one of those flowcharts that that people use in you know, work environments?

If yes, go down this route. If no, then go down this route. The first question is to simply ask, is this your problem to solve? Can you solve this? Yes or No? Is it true that you can solve it? Or is it not? Is it your problem? Yes or no. And you might say, well, it's my spouse, and I love them. You cannot stop that person from choosing to do drugs, choosing to spend money on alcohol, choosing and cheating on you choosing whatever, you just, you can't do that. So you have to then decide, what do you want to do? How do you solve the conflict? Some people just grin and bear it look the other way. And there's, well, it's not too bad. Some people fight back. Or some people say, this is not healthy for me. I wish to move on. I do not wish to be in this type of relationship any longer.

And they go, sometimes people who are struggling with addiction, choose to get help. And then that's another path. So depending on your circumstance, the first thing to do in conflict resolution is to figure out, is it a conflict that can be solved? Is it your conflict to solve? If it is and it might be again, something like, Hey, we're trying to, you know, rekindle our relationship. It's been years and there's been problems. How do we make more time for each other? How do we listen to each other better? We're going to choose to go to therapy, or we're going to choose to write letters to each other about the things that we liked about each other when we first met, like, exactly, I'm just again, using examples. What are those conflicts that come up in relationships, in work within the family, there's a lot that can be resolved. It takes time, it takes patience. But again, you need to listen.

So you can hear what is coming from the other person, you need to then express your own thoughts, I am needing x. And then you compromise and work together to be able to present a solution might fail, but then you could try another way, and move forward. But if you're in a situation where the other person is unwilling to compromise, whereas not ready to get help, or not coming to the table to be a partner, then you're it's a one sided circumstance, and it's never going to get resolved. The problem. It's just, it's just not, the only way that it can be resolved, is you tell the person I'm going to work on me, you have to decide what you're going to do for you.

And you go your way. And that's where that hard boundary comes up. Does that sometimes create pain? And is it difficult? Yes. I wish I could say it was. But it's better than staying in a circumstance where you're codependent, you're trying to solve somebody else's problem. It's not going to be helpful in the long run. You're responsible for you. And then your children. And when I say children, I mean kids, if you have adult children, then you have let them go. And they need to make their own decisions, and choices in life. Growing up in a family that had dysfunctional behavior and alcoholism in it, it's not easy to see life through that lens. It's complicated, I get it. That's why it's important, I believe, to work on these steps, so that you could focus on boundaries.

And he could focus on healthy behaviors, not using coping mechanisms that worked when you were a kid. So I hope that this episode was helpful to you, that it gave you something to think about. And that you can think through what are the skills that you need to be able to move forward to solve conflicts with your spouse, at work, friends, family, and think through those boundaries that you need in each of those circumstances. This is complicated stuff. And that's why I'm saying the 12 steps will help you because it would allow you to kind of think through what you can fix and what you can't fix. And when I say fix, you can never ever control or fix quote unquote, fix another person. So heavy stuff. I know. Take it easy. Take a break. And just know it's step by step is journey day by day. So thank you for listening to this episode. If you're new, please visit let go and be free.com.

And if you are looking for more guidance, there's the daily reflections and the let go and be free volumes. The four books that I have, they are available on Amazon, Kobo, Google Play Barnes and Noble online, etc. You could get the books, if you look for them, Ron Vitale, let go and be free. You'll find all the different places that you can buy them. And if you want to help support this podcast, you can do so by two ways. You could rate it wherever you're listening like it, give a positive rating. Share it with somebody that you think might enjoy it. Or you could also subscribe, there's the substack newsletter, you can visit the let go and be free go into the podcast section. Every episode has a link for this subscription. So you can then subscribe and you'll get like a weekly email. And you could also become a paying subscriber. And that would be $5 a month. Again, I'm looking for funds to be able to keep this podcast going on because I have to pay for the podcast, podcasting fees, as well as the hosting fees. So thank you so much for taking the time to listen. I hope this has been helpful. And as always Be well.

Support the podcast:

Please note that there are affiliate hyperlinks used on this page and that I receive a small percentage of sales if you choose to purchase. I only recommend items that I have found helpful and useful, and am passing them on to you to help. Thank you.