Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 6 (How to Be a Better Listener)
Welcome to the sixth episode. Are you a good listener?
This week I talk about three different situations of listening:
No crosstalking at Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. Why?
Listen to others. Really listen. Become an active listener.
Listen to yourself. Turn off the distractions and make time to be alone with your thoughts. (No TV, music, podcasts, or social media.)
With so much to distract us in life, making time to listen to others (and ourselves) helps us become better attuned with our thoughts and feelings.
With practice, better listening can strengthen our relationships and helps us process our feelings rather than repressing them.
Want to learn more? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.
I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.
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Transcript
Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of The Let Go and Be Free series for adult children of alcoholics.
On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts, to stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child. Together, we'll shine a light to dispel any shame you might feel about your upbringing, and learn practical tips that will help you live a healthier life. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, letgoandbefree.com.
Welcome to the show. For this week, I wanted to talk about how to be a better listener. I think it's a skill that many of us think that we are really good at. But in retrospect, when we kind of take a look at the reality, maybe we're not as good at it as we would like. So we wanted to break this down into several different pieces. So that way, we can look at it from different perspectives.
One, I wanted to go back to the adult children of alcoholics meeting, and talk about the power of no cross talking, if you're not familiar with what that is, essentially, when you attend a, an adult children of alcoholics meeting, when you get to the meeting, often the meaning is opened with a reading. And then those who wish to share.
And the sharing could be of anything, could be something that's on your mind, people talk about their problems, something that they've learned, you know, it really depends on the person, that person will have an opportunity to share what they've gone through and what they're thinking, usually it's a couple of minutes. But during that time, no one else at the meeting, can cross talk, which means they can't interrupt the person, they can't try to give advice, they can't try to shame the person, they just be quiet. And listen.
And I do remember, the first times, you know, that I attended the adult children of alcoholics meeting, I found this to be like a really powerful thing. You know, because you're sitting there and you're listening. And you know, some people are telling these, like harrowing stories of their upbringing. And, you know, it's bringing up a lot of emotions within your own self, you know, you were you might identify with some of what you're hearing, but you just remain quiet. After the meeting, sometimes people will go up to someone and say, you know, great story, or, you know, thank you for sharing that or whatever. But in the actual moment, when you're at the meeting, when the person is finished, you simply say thank you for sharing, you're validating that person, that they were able to get out of them their truth, their fear, their weary, whatever it is, and you're not putting a judgement on what they just said, You're not saying, Well, that was a good story, or that was a bad story or inappropriate story, you're simply saying, Thank you for sharing.
And if you if you think about that perspective, and the power that is within that often, those of us that grew up in, you know, alcoholic and dysfunctional families. We were either told to shut up, or our thoughts were discredited. You know, we had to find other ways of being creative, other ways of dealing with the emotions and the feelings of what we were living through, you know, those years that that we had to kind of struggle through those those times as children, and to be in an environment where you can say whatever is on your mind, and then a roomful of people will simply say, Thank you, thanks for sharing that. And then just letting that go.
And then, you know, the next person, in line can choose to share or not to share is a very powerful tool, you know, that allows you to really think in in ways that maybe you never thought of before. So, you know, the the two sides of the coin one, obviously, the person who is sharing is able to process the emotions of what they're going through, and get it out of them and find ways of processing that information and their emotions and their hurt. Whereas the listeners are in passive mode, you know, just listening and hearing how the person's talking. They're in flight.
And then are they crying? Are they upset? Are they angry, I mean, there's a whole range of human emotion that I that I've heard over the years that I, you know, had attended the adult children of alcoholics meetings, and it is one of those memories that I hold very dear. There are some stories that people told me that, you know, even some of those early meetings that I went to were so many years ago, but they're kinda like, burned into my brain because of the power of either the abuse, and the struggles that these people went through.
And one of the things that, you know, I kind of hold dear is that when I've gone to those meetings, whatever someone has shared, it kind of stays in that room. You know, I, I never took anything that I learned about someone, and then went out and said to a friend, Oh, I heard, you know, Jane's, say, this story, like I, you know, I just kind of said, That was a personal thing, I listened,
I took what I learned from that, and then move on. And that trust that's built from that listening is a very powerful, you know, tool of healing. And it's one of the things that I find, so engaging, and important about the adult children of alcoholics meetings, that, you know, those meetings that do this, right, allow someone to come come to them, sit down in a room of strangers, say something that can be extremely personal, and then get up. And then they can listen to other stories that are also extremely personal. And then you take that information. And over time, you begin to learn that not every environment that you are in, is dysfunctional, you can find other people that will listen to your story that will help validate you by saying “Thank you for sharing.”
And then in return, just as you are giving your story, you know, to others, you are also a listener to the other people around the table. So I did want to talk about that. That power of you know, crosstalk, if in that, you know, no cross talking, I should say that it's really important, in my experience that when you go to an ACOA meeting, that you don't interrupt someone, when they're sharing, you just listen, and learn from that moment. And then when it gets to you, you have that moment to decide, do you want to say something? Or are you not ready yet. And for my first few meetings, I didn't even know how the meeting was run. And I've talked about this in a previous episode. But what was going through my mind was, I'm really scared right now, I don't want to say anything, I don't want to say anything, quote unquote, wrong. I don't want to say anything too much, you know, I was trying to kind of feel my way, learning who these people are, and was it safe to be able to talk to them.
So you know, if if you've never attended an adult children of alcoholics meeting, before and again, I can't speak for every meeting. But in general, the meetings are run in a in a very trustworthy, and helpful way for you to be able to be a listener, and talk if you'd like to, but if you do not feel up for that, there is a lot to be gained by just listening, and comparing the stories among everyone who share because I would listen to somebody's story. And maybe I couldn't identify with every single story. But there were other stories that I would listen to.
And go I felt that way before where I feel that way. Now, I can identify it also, you know, helped me build empathy, and understanding somebody else's situation, that also helped me unlock my own. So hearing the words that they used to express their own pain and their hurt, and their fear, and their anger, allowed me an avenue of Wait a minute, when I feel ready enough, I can also become an active participant of this meeting. And I can share something that's on my mind. And then I will get the validation of thank you for sharing. So very powerful moments, you know, within the adult children of alcoholics, those meetings, and the no cross talk to me is is like a sacred thing. It is something that I would not break.
And there are some circumstances that you know, when I look back, what people were sharing was just like, oh my, but you stay true to that. And then you know, afterwards, there would be times where sometimes people would go up and give somebody else a hug or you know, or talk quietly in a corner. So if the person wanted it, that's really important. So, a second thing that I wanted to talk about, you know, the power of listening and essentially how to become a better a better listener is that, you know, from personal experience, I have been in, you know, all sorts of relationships that could be obviously, my, you know, my marriage or with friendships or coworkers.
And when arguments and conflict arise, it can be you, it can be challenging to remain in listening mode, often, what, you know, we want to do is kind of get back at somebody, you know, in the sense, like, if we're in an argument, like, you know, like a tennis match, like, I got a point, you know, you got a point, going back and forth, back and forth, trying to one up somebody, you know, like, No, I, I'm going to win this argument, you know, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to prove to you why I'm right, why you're wrong.
And in the heat of the moment, you know, that's something that we could easily get lost into, in our own anger, and put up these defensive walls. And instead of listening to someone, you know, to focus more on what we want, what we think is right, rather than what is the other person saying, you know, to become a better listener, I think it's important to do multiple things, like have rules for arguing, you know, if, again, within let's say, a relationship, it's really critical not to have you statements, you know, like you did this, you did that. But rather focus on, you know, that importance of, I feel X, I feel y. And then it's hard to hear those things, because someone might say something like, I, you know, feel upset, because of what you said to me, you hurt my feelings or something like that, again, try not to use those use statements, like I just did, it's hard.
And then to become a better listener, be, you know, being in an active mode of listening means being vulnerable. Because what's happening is, you're putting yourself in a position in which another person will often say the truth to you. And that truth, no matter if you want to hear it or not, can be hurtful, you know, might hurt your feelings, because you could listen to it and go, Oh, wait a minute, they're, they're attacking me now, it can be very challenging to say, you know, I'm going to be in listening mode, because I want to better understand, you know, where somebody else is coming from. And, to do that takes practice, and also patients. So, you know, when you're in an argument, having those rules for arguing is important, you know, rules such as, you know, as I just said, Use I statements only, you know, no monologuing.
And I'm, I'm very guilty of this, you know, going on and on and on and saying, you know, talking, you know about everything that's on your mind, and not giving the other person an opportunity to speak on their own, so that you can go into listening mode, you know, I think it's important to say, a thought, stop, pause, and then see if the other person wishes to respond. So you can have a dialogue, rather than I'm going to tell you everything that's on my mind, you know, of everything that you've done wrong for the past, whatever, 10 years, you know, and I have been guilty of that I'm not proud to say, you know, different points in my life, it can be challenging to, you know, look at yourself and say, okay, when I'm in this, you know, argument with a person, what can I do to become a better listener? So again, the rules of arguing are critical, you know, you have to have certain red lines, you know, if you start cursing or screaming at each other, does that mean it flips a switch in the argument, and then you have to hit a pause, and people need to calm down, you know, and say, Okay, let's take a 10 minute break, or let's, let's regroup, you know, later this afternoon.
Those in those important rules of arguing can help you become a better listener. Because if then the heat of the moment becomes complicated, and you're not able to basically be in the moment anymore. You need to find a healthy way to be able to communicate that you know, to the person in it you're arguing with, you know, and listening doesn't necessarily always need to be in an argument, it could simply be your calling somebody on the phone, as you know, a spouse, maybe you're away on a business trip, or, you know, you want to your parents, and they're telling you about their day, as you're listening to them, let's say, if you're speaking to them on the phone, or you're talking to them in person, what is going through your mind at that moment? You know, are you tuned out? Are you thinking about, Oh, I've got these seven other things that I need to do before I go to bed today.
Or, this is taking longer than I thought and I need to go, you know, pick up, you know, you know, my kid at daycare? What what is really going through your mind? Are you in active listening mode? Or are you just kind of phoning in, you know, and if you're on the phone, it's easy to do that if someone can't see you, because you could be listening, and then you give the AHA, you know, the appropriate response when you're supposed to, and maybe you're like, Man, I know, focusing on something else, to be an active listener. And to be quiet enough to focus and to hear what another person is saying, is critical. Because then if you validate that back and say something like, Oh, I understand that you had a hard day today, when you know, you had this project fail for you at work, or, you know, when you when you say that back to somebody to show them that you are really listening, that doesn't necessarily mean that a person wants you to give them advice.
You know, it might just be they just want to be heard. So let me let me say that, again, if you're in any kind of conversation with someone, I think it's important to understand, what does the other person want from the conversation? Do they simply want you to listen, and validate and say, Yes, I hear you. You know, like, that sucks that you had a really difficult day, I hear you. I've had similar days like that I understand I empathize with you. Tell me more?
Or does the person want to get something you know, off their mind? And maybe they do want advice? You know, like, I'm having a problem at x? What would you do with that? Sometimes it's unclear to know what that person wants. So again, the beauty of interpersonal relationships is to ask somebody, do you do want some feedback right now? Do you want me to say anything? Or do you just really want me to listen? Do you just want a shoulder, you know, that you could cry on or somebody that you can get something off of your mind? Just to get something out? Tell me? How may I help? What what do you need from me right now. And that might sound corny, to say those things. But to build relationships and friendships with people over time, it's essential to be a listener. If all we care about is our own ego, and our own selves, and our own little world, then we're going to be lonely in the long run, because we're never going to have that true connection with someone else. And true connection means you get to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly.
You know, when you're when you're talking with somebody, and building that friendship, or that romantic relationship, it takes effort, and it takes time to do that. If there's a time, you know, a moment where somebody needs something from you, but you're not able to give it maybe your your battery's low, you're tired, you're exhausted, you just want to go to bed, just be honest with them. You know, look, I understand you had a rough day, I can give you five minutes, but I'm sorry, I need to take care of myself. I'm, I'm really tired. I had a rough day myself. I may not go over well, but I think honesty is important, rather than, you know, pretending that you're listening, and just saying, oh, yeah, yeah, that's great. Sorry to hear that you had such a rough day, you know, perceptive people will see right through that they will know that you're not truly listening. You're just be doing more damage, you know, to a relationship, you won't be fostering the relationship in any way. So to be a better listener, it's important to be actively engaged, you know, paying attention, asking the other person, what do they want from you at that moment? Those things are critical.
And then the last thing I wanted to talk about in related to how to be a better listener, you may not have thought of this one. How do you become a better listener of yourself? And that might sound a little strange like with yourself all day, you know, they are each of us. We go about our day and do our own thing.
And, you know, we are always in our own thoughts.
And it was mind shattering to me, in that, when I forget, it was some kind of a leadership ceremony, like a training session or so. And one of the exercises was something about talk about yourself or something like that share something with others. And, you know, I talked about, like that inner voice, you know, that you hear within yourself. And, and another person said that they didn't really hear that. For them, it was more like musical, they heard like notes, you know, or saw colors, like just the way their brain was wired was different than mine.
And I thought that that was really kind of eye opening, because I just assumed everybody, you know, what my experience is inside my head with my own thoughts, my own consciousness, I just assumed everybody went through the same thing, that's not necessarily the case. So for me, you know, I, I'm a creative person, I write books, and this and that, and often, when my mind is at work, you know, relax, and I'm in that flow moment, that I can see pictures, like in my head, you know, or I could hear a voice, you know, like, don't do that, you know, we talked about that in a previous episode, the adult voice, the parent joys, the parent voice, the child voice, but I can create scenarios, you know, in the sense that I can, I can literally be sitting here and just see, you know, not physically but like, in my mind, see something. And that becomes, you know, a scene in a story that I'm going to write or novel. And what I found is, it's so easy, especially in modern, you know, our modern world to block out and numb ourselves. You know, most of us have cell phones, you know, mobile phones these days. So it's easy enough to always be listening to a podcast, or always listening to music, or have the TV on, you know, we're be on social media constantly, you know, tick tock, Facebook, Instagram, you know, there's Snapchat, there's just so many things that can take up our time, and allow us to not really think introspectively.
And I, you know, often say, let's, let's put down the phone or, you know, turn the TV off. And when I go running, and I know this, this is like unpopular, even among other runners, I don't listen to music, I just lace up my sneaks, put on my running gear, out the door run.
And I just listen to what's around me. Sometimes that can be my own thoughts, like thinking through a problem, or I've gotten story ideas, inspiration when I'm running. And I'm like, Oh, that's great ideas, stop for a second, pull out my phone from my pocket and just jot an email to myself. So I can remember what the thought is when I'm done running. But what I found is,
I often can help solve problems, and feel better by listening to what I need. And that could be something simple, like, again, this is just for me, I like gardening, I like cleaning the act of being, you know, physically engaged with something, without music without a podcast, just so that I can hear like the sound of you know, let's say the shovel, going into the dirt and me pulling out the weed. There's, there's a process and there's a feeling around me that I'm in touch with, you know, the physical part of me. And then the mental part of me gets to have a little bit of a break. So I think, but often, my subconscious is working on something when I'm, you know, actively engaged in a different way. But if I always have music on if I'm always listening to a podcast, if I always have TV on, I'm not having those moments of quiet.
And I find that if I don't have those moments of quiet, it's much more complicated for me to deal with problems and resolve issues.
I know that in times where have been, you know, in activities where, you know, someone will say we're going to sit silent for two minutes. Some people can't do that. It's just not possible for them. They find it really hard to sit still they need to be engaged with something all the time. Whereas I think over time, what I have done is kind of train myself, especially when I go on these long runs it you know, I'm just running and if it's early in the morning, I might you know, even this gets kind of blocked out like the footfalls as I'm running from my sneakers. I don't really hear that anymore. And if there's no car
On the road, you know, maybe I'll hear birds chirping early in the morning.
I don't really hear much, or the wind blowing trees, and you're the limbs kind of moving, but often is just me running and then just having silence, you know, and just the world around me and taking in. What am I seeing? What do I see ahead? What do I feel right now? My art is moving quickly, like just checking in with myself, you know, I think is really critical each day. And if you're not taking the time to do that, are you really listening to yourself of like, when you're hungry? Or when you're tired? When you're angry? Are you aware of those things, I find that, again, this is for me, things might be different for you. My body responds a certain way, when I get anxious or worried, you know, I get sweaty palms might feel like my heart rate increases. But I think what I've learned is, over time, the that importance of really listening to what I need at that moment. And this is, this is the tricky thing.
Often people who grew up in adult, you know, child about, you know, alcoholic, alcoholic environment or dysfunctional family. Often we're people pleasers, it's a lot easier to not give ourselves what we want. But give somebody else what they want. Because the it will resolve any potential conflicts, you'll avoid it. You know, if there was yelling and screaming, and all kinds of things going on, when you were a kid in your family, it's a lot easier to just be like, anything you want to do. Go for it. Want to watch on TV, wonderful. But what do you want to watch on TV? Or what do you want to do right now? Do you want to do something different than what others want to do?
I'm a big proponent of taking yourself out on a date. And I you know, when I was younger, I was like, I don't know how I can do this. How can you go to dinner by yourself? Or how can you go to a movie, by yourself or whatever, by yourself? I think it's important to become in touch with the things that you like, what are your hobbies? What are the activities that you like to do? And I think that that's something that takes time to discover. But when you listen to others, it's also critical that you listen to yourself, like what you need. So to be a better listener of yourself, you could take baby steps, you know, something simple, like, when you take a shower, have no music on, just take the shower, go through the motions of taking a shower and chicken with your body.
How do you feel? Do you feel achy? Because you exercise? Do you just sleep wrong in your back? Like just do those little check ins. Or if you're eating breakfast, don't have TV on don't have your phone on? Don't have anything on radio, nothing, just sit at a table and eat your breakfast? Listen to the sound to you, let's say crunching cereal, or buttering the toast or whatever you're doing. Just kind of listen, is the refrigerator making noise? You know, do you hear something else is your dog barking in the other room or whatever? As you find that you're getting more in touch with the world around you, and then yourself, you can then ask yourself the question of what do you want right now? What do you want?
That's a very interesting question. And I expect that it will be different at each time. Often, we repress how we feel, I don't feel like going to work today. But I have to go, you know, I don't feel like going to this barbecue. because so and so will be there. And I don't feel like dealing with her. Whatever, I'm just making something up.
For you getting in touch with yourself could mean something different. In the sense that listening and connecting with the emotions inside and processing those. It could be something as simple as a daily journal writing, you get up in the morning. And you know, you do your morning papers by grabbing your journal sitting at a desk and spending 15 minutes and just free associative writing. Just write whatever is on your mind. Or sit in front of a keyboard. This is one of my favorite things in front of the keyboard, close your eyes, and I can touch type, just type. And when you're done, don't save it, turn it off, delete whatever you wrote. It helps me to get in touch with whatever is going through my mind at that moment. And something that I don't want anybody to see. I don't even want my future self to say that I don't want to save it. Nobody needs to see it. So in this episode, we're gonna talk about, you know, how to be a better listener, no matter if you're at an ACO meeting, the no cross talking, listening to others when you're either in an argument or just a normal conversation with someone like some of the skills and the tips to really pay attention to them. And then third look
Listening, you know to ourselves and building that relationship with ourselves, getting getting back to that self parenting thing and why that's important. So I do hope that you enjoyed this episode, I really do appreciate you taking the time to listen. As I put these podcasts out, if you'd like to hear more, you can visit the let B and B free.com. Website, we've got all the podcast episodes that are there, as well as if you sign up for the newsletter, you can get a free ebook, which has a bunch of seven tips of basically helping you, you know, move forward in life and dealing with some of the struggles that we all struggle with. You could also listen to the podcast, it's on Spotify, it's on Google, it's an iTunes basically pretty much anywhere that you can listen to a podcast. So again, thanks so much for taking the time to listen to me. And as always, be well.