I have been trapped into “all or nothing” thinking. I think that’s because of the extremes that I went through as a kid. I often felt trapped in a situation that I couldn’t get out of and would get frustrated with my supposed lack of power.
I suspect that my mother felt the same way.
What I didn’t understand is that I did have power and that to break out of a mental prison, I needed to think differently.
I became the first person in my family to go to college and I attribute education as my ticket to freedom. By learning about the world, others different than me, and being put in contact with sociology and psychology classes, I learned that I had a choice. I could break free of my self-limiting thinking.
Before, I used my imagination to escape. I created fantasy worlds and wrote a book and lots of short stories. I found a way to take my pain and make art out of it.
Being creative helped me find a way to deal with my emotions and feelings, but I still needed to learn a path on how to model healthier behavior. What do I mean by that?
I realized that my relationships often suffered because I had an unhealthy history of what I thought love should be. Once I went to college and learned about the effects of alcoholism and how dysfunctional behaviors affected people, I stumbled upon the Adult Children of Alcoholics’ laundry list.
Once I realized that I had taken on some of the characteristics of an alcoholic, that opened my eyes. Did it hurt to admit to myself that I had such characteristics? Yes.
I realized that I had stayed in some unhealthy relationships because I was afraid of abandonment. And I had chosen girls to date because I thought I could “fix them.” I wanted to help another but blind to my faults.
If you have similar traits to the ones listed on the ACA laundry list, I would recommend that you do one thing first. Take a step back, list the characteristics that you have, and then love those parts of yourself. Trying to ignore, hide, or excise the faults you have will only make things worse.
The first step toward healing is to let it go. I know that sounds so wrong.
What I’ve learned is that acceptance and then loving yourself, helps you to let go of the fear and hurt (and often shame) around personality traits that have held you back.
When I let go of beating myself up for how I am, I can then take steps to help myself. What I have had to do is retrain my brain and how I act. To do that, I have gone to counseling over the years, attended Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, read books, added meditation, and exercise into my life, and decided to change my life.
The beautiful thing, though it’s hard to see, is that I equate working toward healing as a hike through the woods. When I come across a fork in the road, I have a choice. I can choose behaviors, people, and activities that will help me become a better person. And when I stumble, I can get back up again.
I see life as a journey. I don’t know how long my road will go, but the beauty of life is that each day is a new beginning. Instead of feeling trapped in a lousy relationship, friendship, job, whatever, we have a choice we can make each day. Even if the step is just a small one in a direction that will help us, small changes turn into bigger ones over time.
The first step toward healing is a simple thought.
“I accept who I am. I love myself. And I want to grow and heal.”
How?
Well, that’s for each person to figure out though there are tools and activities to help us.
Why not try something and see what works for you?
Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.