Sure, we have lots of fears, but I wanted to be vulnerable with you for a moment and share with you mine.
I’m afraid that I’ll fail my friends, family, coworkers, and yes that I’ll fail you.
What do I mean by that?
I don’t have all the answers, and I make mistakes like everyone else. I started this blog to talk about my feelings and thoughts on growing up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family because I wanted to shine a light on the shame and fear I’ve experienced in my lifetime.
I want to show people that I have felt weak, broken, and sometimes unloved.
I also wanted to talk about the challenges of overcoming destructive family patterns and how that’s affected me.
So why is my fear of “not measuring up” my greatest fear?
It’s complicated, and I bet a lot of you will identify with me.
As I live my life, I have worked hard to build good habits and a strong network of loved ones to help ground me.
But I am human. I fall, make mistakes, and screw up.
I fear that my loved ones will point at me and say, “See how you’re acting right now? It’s just like how your father was.”
I know that that might not make any sense to anyone who didn’t grow up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family, but for those of you who did, I bet that line is uncomfortable for you.
I swore to myself, to God, and to all, I held dear that I would never grow up to be like my father.
The truth that I’ve had to face, though is that the behavior patterns that I grew up with have affected me, and I’ve needed to work hard to make certain that I am aware of those unhealthy behaviors.
If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, check out the Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous’ laundry list.
The list contains some unflattering traits:
low self-esteem
live life with a viewpoint of a victim
we try to rescue people we see as damaged
we are terrified of abandonment
And the list goes on and on. That’s frightening to me. To see myself in some of those traits and know that I was affected by behaviors outside of my control as a kid. Things that happened decades ago have influenced my initial reactions to how I handle problems.
Why would I want to admit this to the world?
Because here’s the thing: I know that I’m not alone in feeling this way. And I also will not let the traits of an adult child of an alcoholic define me.
I’m choosing to shine a light of who I am because I believe that not only will it help me grow as a person, but I can help show others who feel this way that they’re not alone.
There is hope.
There is a path forward.
We are not damaged goods who are undeserving of love.
We are unique and complex people with a great capacity to love and to contribute to the world.
Yes, sometimes it feels like we’re going through cognitive dissonance by holding two conflicting ideas in our mind at the same time.
But here’s the thing: We each have a choice. We can choose to live life as a victim and feel bad about ourselves, or we can rise up and choose to learn and practice healthy behaviors to overcome the dysfunctional behavioral traits we learned as children.
Every day we have a choice.
What will you choose?
Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.