Learning how to apologize seems simple enough, right?

You just go up to someone and say, “I’m sorry.”

Let’s play out a scene and see how this works:

My wife and I get into an argument. After things cool down, I go up to her and tell her that I’m sorry. Here’s how I do it: “I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you, but I had a really rough day at work and took it out on you.”

Good apology, right?

No.

Here’s another example. My daughter does something wrong, and she comes over to apologize to me. She tells me that I’m sorry, and then I respond with: “Next time when you decide to put the microwave on, you can’t put any metal inside with it because…”

Good parenting moment, right?

No.

Here’s what I learned by listening to Harriet Lerner on Brené Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast (I recommend that you listen to the two-part series on how to apologize). When you go to apologize, do just that and then make amends to change your behavior. If you did something wrong, apologize, and then change your behavior. Don’t just give someone an empty apology.

And when receiving an apology, say “thank you” and let it go. After someone has given you an apology, that’s not the time to then lecture your kid on what they could do better next time. You can have the parenting moment at a later date.

I can tell you that I learned a lot from listening to Lerner talk about apologizing. She gave some great real-life examples between her and her husband that made things real for me. I’ve been in situations that played out like the examples that Lerner shares.

Learning to apologize is a great skill to have in life. I’ve often heard men say that “apologizing shows weakness,” and that’s not true. When you apologize, you can build trust and rapport with people if you are honest when you make mistakes. We are all human, and it’s important to admit when we’re wrong. We all make mistakes.

When you go forward in your day, take some time to think about how you apologize (or don’t) and what type of an apology you like from another person.

Are you fair to the other person?

Relationships are not measured in percentages and scales: We might be keeping track of how right we are and how many times another has hurt our feelings.

Keeping score helps us build grudges toward another.

And another thing to think about: When we make a sincere apology, we’re doing so because we want to help heal a rift between another person and us. Apologizing because it’ll only make us feel better, that’s not a sincere apology.

I have a lot of work to do on learning to apologize better.

What about you?

Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.