I’ve gone through bouts of loneliness in my life in which I felt as though no one cared for me or could understand me. But I’ve also have had times where I chose to be alone.
As a child of an alcoholic/functional family, I wanted nothing more than to be loved and to find people who could understand me. I feared abandonment and did anything I could to not to be alone. As an adult, I hated not being in a relationship. I didn’t want to be a third wheel when out with friends and longed to find someone who I could talk to and share my life with.
I remember the time after a major breakup that was especially difficult for me. I felt hurt, lonely, and ill-equipped to meet up with someone new. I longed for companionship and didn’t know what to do.
After the breakup, I stayed inside a bit and focused on graduate school and my job, but I eventually started going out with my friends and decided to keep going to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings.
I didn’t want to repeat past mistakes as I needed to find a way to be better in relationships.
Now, many years later, I see what a blessing that time was for me. I made time to learn new things, to go to therapy, and to increase my self-esteem.
I felt broken and unworthy of love and didn’t know where to start.
At the time, I felt lonely and wanted to meet someone and fall in love again. I dreamed of meeting a soulmate who would understand me and that together we would be so happy.
Instead of doing the hard work of learning about the traits that I had of having lived in an alcoholic/dysfunctional home, I wanted to get lost in romance. I just wanted to lose myself in finding someone to love.
Not a good reason to start a relationship, I get that now.
But at the time, after two years of being lonely, I just wanted to be with someone again.
I didn’t understand the difference between choosing to be alone and feeling lonely. Instead of looking inward and focusing on my problems, I wanted to get lost in a new relationship.
I was in love with being in love.
I’m not proud of that time of my life and look back and have done my best to make amends to the people I have hurt. I was selfish and only wanted to not feel bad anymore.
I’ve come a long way since then.
Now when I am lonely, I know a bit more about what’s actually going on within. I can choose a different path instead of perpetuating the same mistakes over and over again.
Choosing to be alone and make time for yourself is a healthy thing. Feeling lonely is so painful and difficult to go through. When you feel like you’re lost and no one loves you, there’s a key point that’s often missed: If we could only see and believe in how truly wonderful we are and love ourselves for all of us (our faults, good points, and the baggage we carry), we wouldn’t truly be lonely.
There are friends, family members, and the community that we live in to help lift us up.
Often we don’t see that because of myopic vision.
Look far and wide. Stand up and give yourself a hug. As simplistic and goofy as that might seem, our love of ourselves will be the foundation on which we build our world. All else comes from that.
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