As a kid, I lived in a dysfunctional household and I swore that I would do everything within my power to never put my kids through a similar environment. What I didn’t understand though is how pervasive and destructive an alcoholic/dysfunctional environment could be.
I went from feeling powerless as a kid to growing up and wanting to control my environment. I became what I feared the most.
Now that I am an adult and have children of my own, I need to be aware of my behavior and that I cannot control the world around me. As a kid I felt powerless, so as an adult I wanted to use my freedom to ensure that all was good and healthy.
There is a fine line between what you do for your own life and how you can infect that on others.
Control can become binding and unhealthy if we only focus on how we can control the world around us. We can try to make people do what we want (through power, intimidation, guilt, or shame), but that will not bring the joy and happiness we want in live.
There’s a saying that I remember hearing as a kid: “If you love someone, set them free.”
As a teenager, I couldn’t grasp that concept. If you loved someone, shouldn’t you want that person to be at your side? But if you try to control someone to stay with you, that’s manipulative and really not life, is it?
The best power we have is to let go. By letting go (and sometimes practicing tough love with our children), we set boundaries on what we want in life.
If you’re a parent and you clean up your kids’ room all the time or do their wash, you might be helping them, but your actions could do more harm than good.
I’m embarrassed to admit this, but when I first starting dating, I threw my whole self into the relationship to the exclusion of all else. My actions destroyed any chance of love that I might have had. And here is how the effects of growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family hurt you: I became so fearful of being abandoned that I desperately clung to relationships. That never worked.
I learned the hard way and have made amends over the years.
Now I focus on understanding that true power comes in my taking care of myself and letting go.
Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.
