We cannot go back in time and fix how we were treated as kids. Growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family affected me, and for better or for worse, made me who I am today.
But that does not mean that we need to be held back by our past.
It is possible to have healthy relationships—if we work on them.
I am married and I can tell you that there is no happily ever after. You might be shocked by my saying that, but what I have found is that relationships take work. We need to work continually on ourselves, and we need to put time and energy into our relationships.
You cannot expect a relationship to stay strong without putting effort into it.
What does this mean?
Each day we need to focus on our own health. Self-care is critical. The basic essentials of life (food, water, rest, exercise, and emotional well-being) do not simply happen each day. As I mentioned yesterday, the small choices we make each day help us build a better tomorrow.
And what about our relationships?
Are we spending time with our family and friends? Do we truly listen to them? Share with them our thoughts, feelings, and most importantly of all, do we give others our love?
A healthy relationship is a give and take. There is no exactly 50/50 scale in which everything in the relationship is perfectly equal. But the boundaries that we have, even with our most intimate of relationships, are critical.
Being in a healthy relationship means that we can say no and not be judged or belittled. There will be times when we need to say no because we need sleep, or had a bad day. Other times, we will want to share our love with our friends and family and be joyful.
For a long time, I did not understand why I wasn’t happy in my relationships. I blamed my past, became angry at what happened to me as a kid, but I fell into the perpetual cycle of dysfunction.
Now I choose to love and I start with myself.
The most important healthy relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself.
From there, you can then branch out and enjoy healthy relationships with your family and friends.
The best advice I have ever received on how to know what is healthy for me is to work on building my adult voice. The first therapist I went to once told me that we have three voices inside:
Our child voice: “I want the candy now.”
Our parental voice: “You can’t have the candy until after dinner.”
Our adult voice: “Is it healthy for me to have the candy now?”
Building up and strengthening our internal adult voice takes practice and patience. As we grow and strengthen our relationships, we will need to figure out what is healthy for us. When a friend wants us to do something, will we say yes? If your partner wants to have sex and you do not (for whatever reason), can you say no? If your parent is still an active drinker, will you decide to pull back and have no contact with them?
I cannot answer these questions for you. I expect that you will have many questions to deal with on a daily basis.
Healthy relationships are hard if you’re not doing the self-care work.
When a difficult decision needs to be made today, what does your adult voice say within you? Listen to that voice, strengthen it, and build it up.
You will need it.
Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.