Today is day one of a new blog that I’m starting. It’s called “Let Go and Be Free.” I realized that I wanted to start a blog where I could share some thoughts about meditation, dealing with emotions, and how to be your best self. (Interested? Sign up for my free Let Go and Be Free weekly newsletter.)
To get started, here’s a little bit about me. I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My father drank, smoked pot, and abused my mom. After my mom divorced my dad, she, my little brother, and I moved into my grandparents’ home.
For the longest time, I used my imagination as a way to help me deal with and escape all the problems in my life. As a kid growing up, I didn’t know about dealing with all the emotions and feelings that I felt.
I remember my father having visitation rights and how angry I’d feel when he brought one of his girlfriends along with our day out. It’s funny when I look back and the little things that I remember decades later. One Christmas I received a bike and liked it. My father was supposed to bring over a plate that you put on the front of the bike, but he either forgot or never made an effort. The hurt that I felt from that stayed with me for a long time.
But around the time I turned seven years old, my father was out of the picture.
Money was tight in our household, and I remember how angry I’d get in learning that my father never gave my mom any money for my brother and I. Back then you couldn’t garner someone’s wages to have him pay alimony, he just went his way, and we did the best we could. I carried anger within that grew like a diamond in my heart, and for a long time, I harbored that pain as a shield that would protect me from the world.
I grew up, started dating, and realized that I kept falling into the same patterns. I didn’t seem to be able to have a relationship that lasted longer than two years. I believed in true love and soulmates, but I’d meet someone, and things would fall apart after a while.
The worst side of me would come out: I expected everyone to push themselves as hard as I worked, and I could judge my partner’s actions like there was no tomorrow.
When people talk about how alcoholism directly affects the next generation, I didn’t quite understand that, but now I do. Though I’m not an alcoholic, I have struggled with the behaviors associated with living in a dysfunctional family.
Only recently did I learn of the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study and that you could take a test to get your ACE score.
I didn’t know that this even existed. But over the years of broken relationships, feeling shame and lost, I stumbled upon Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous (ACOA) and found some healing there. I also spent time going to counselors and therapists over the years so that I could find a way to become a better person and to heal.
As I grew older, I wanted to have my own family, and I didn’t want to screw things up. As a kid and young adult, I felt broken and damaged. Often I felt so alone because I couldn’t find anyone who could identify with what I had gone through.
Healing Comes from Within
For a long time, I tried my best to hide my problems. I kept them hidden, stuffed them down and what I found is that under stress, they’d burst out and the scattershot would affect all those I love.
I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. The responsibility that I took on caused me to be stressed out most of the time. And when things fell apart, I’d get angry because I couldn’t fix the situation.
What I learned through ACOA and therapy is that there were certain things I could do to help myself.
Think of myself as a small child, go up to that little kid, and give him a warm hug. Self-love is critical.
Talk about my feelings either at an ACOA meeting, my therapist or with a trusted friend.
Write. I learned as a kid that my imagination could save me. I could dream up anything, and that was a great way to deal with my emotions. I could create characters in stories and play out my feelings in all of those situations. And now I’ve written more than ten fantasy and science fiction novels.
But even though I had some of the puzzle pieces, my life would go okay until I’d hit a rough patch and things would still fall apart. What I didn’t understand then is that I needed to take care of my body, mind, and spirit.
That might sound hokey, yet my body carried the stress within me. I worked hard and always stretched myself to the limit. I was intense, driven, and pretty much unhappy. My two catchphrases during this time of my life were:
I’m tired.
There’s just not enough time.
The journey begins
I’m starting this “let go and be free” blog because I want to share what I’ve learned along the way. Even if only one person reads these blog posts and finds something helpful, then my writing will have been worth the effort.
If you’ve read this far and can identify with what I’ve written so far, then here’s where the journey begins. It’s a new day. A brand new day starts today with limitless possibilities.
The topics that I’ll include will be like these:
I’ll share books that I’ve read (like Neil Pasricha’s You Are Awesome)
podcasts that I listen to that help ground me (be sure to check out Cathy Heller’s Don’t Keep Your Day Job)
amazing movies that I’ve seen (like A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood)
and I’ll share my successes, my failures and
even my clumsy experiments in learning yoga after I pulled out my back from running.
I expect that over time, the blog will evolve and grow. We shall see. In the picture above, my son and I are waiting for the sun to rise on Mount Washington. My family and I were lucky enough to be able to drive up the mountain on the last weekend you could go up and see the sunrise this past summer. Although it was August, the temperature was around 34 degrees at the top. We were freezing, but above the clouds, we got to see one of nature’s most beautiful events. Our sun rose to bring the light to our day.
I hope you come along with me on the journey. Feel free to contact me if you have any feedback.
Thank you.
Like what you’ve read? Be sure to read the other Let Go and Be Free posts.