When I look back at the holidays over the years, I remember that there were certain family members in my life who knew how to get under other people’s skin. Add in alcohol, dysfunction and put a bunch of people together and it’s pretty much a recipe for disaster.
I’ve seen age-old feuds come out over family dinners and I’ve been pulled into being put in an uncomfortable position when a couple is broken up, and you’re caught in the middle.
Through it all, one thing that’s key is to focus on protecting yourself.
That might not be as easy as it might sound. Sure, you can skip all the holiday festivities with your family, but that may not always be possible.
In my family, we have a saying: “Don’t let them get your goat.”
If someone is trying to get a rise out of you (or drag you into an argument or start an argument with you), don’t take the bait.
How easy it would be if we could simply always be able to handle the slings and arrows that come our way. But here’s the thing that I find: I’m fine in protecting myself up to a point. I might even pat myself on the back in dealing with the passive-aggressive or outright hurtful comments being sent my way. Where I often fail is that I turn my frustration and anger on someone else.
Let’s say that I’m at a party, and I successfully deal with three family members who are acting in their usual behavior, and I avoid the bait. But later, one of my kids might come up to me and do something to frustrate me, and that’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
I then get angry at my kid, feel guilty afterward, and need to apologize.
Have you seen yourself mimic that same behavior?
I’ll go along and take, take, take, but then I can’t take anymore and can get into an argument over the stupidest of things. I’m then embarrassed by that, feel shame and guilt.
I remember family members asking me as a kid what I wanted to be when I grew up. I’d tell them that I wanted to be a writer. They’d dismiss my answer and say: “You’re tall. Why don’t you want to play basketball?” Or, “You have good grades, be a lawyer or a doctor.” It’s those little jabs that I’d not know how to handle as a kid.
When I’d explain that I wanted to be a writer and loved it, they’d laugh it off and say that I should have a career that paid the bills.
Now, as an adult, I don’t have to deal with the same sort of comments, but family members are always ready to judge: Over your political, religious, or career choices. Or who you are (or aren’t) dating. And, my favorite, how you’re raising your kids. Everyone’s got an opinion. And brushing off the comments or telling people to mind their own business, does work, but there is also a need to have downtime to deal with your emotions and feelings.
I find it difficult to juggle so many things during the holidays. People’s expectations, managing my own time with the added work on the homefront and at work as well as making time to exercise, sleep, and meditate.
For me, I’m making healthy choices a priority (eating right, getting decent sleep, and exercise). But I’m also making certain that I work in time to relax and just chill.
When people might lash out at your during the holidays, remember to work on handling your own emotions or if you might just wind up lashing out on someone else.
Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.