We all get angry at some point or another along the line. However, I’ve found that growing up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family creates a special relationship between how we act and anger.

If you need a refresher, first take a look at the laundry list from the Adult Children of Alcoholics website.

Reading through the list can be difficult as it’s like looking in the mirror and coming to terms with your own faults.

In my life, I’ve placed myself in situations in which I’m looking for a person to provide me with emotional and psychological support. I expect that a partner will be there for me as I will be there for them.

However, if the partner is unable to be there for me (due to their own struggles and inability to do so), then resentment and anger slowly buildup over time until the stupidest of things can set me off, and then I get angry at someone.

The tricky thing is that sometimes the anger we feel is misdirected toward the wrong people.

Ever have a bad day at work and then come home and take it out on your kids or your spouse? That’s a common one that I’ve seen many people do and I’ve been guilty of this behavior myself.

A long time ago, my first counselor once shared with me some words of wisdom. He passed on to me that the best way to deal with anger is to make certain that I took care of my basic needs:

Ate when hungry.
Slept when tired.
Talk with a friend when lonely.

He also asked that I stopped and took the time to deal with my emotions when I became angry. Anger isn’t necessarily a “bad” emotion; we just need to be careful that we understand why we’re feeling that way and work on productive ways to deal with the anger.

I think back when my kids were little and they’d go through a tantrum about not getting something that they wanted. Rewarding that behavior only made things worse, but validating and listening to them on why they were angry and working with them on how they could deal with the emotions they were feeling was a much more positive way to help them learn some basic life skills.

As an adult who grew up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family environment, the relationship we have with anger might be much more complex. We might have seen anger rewarded by having the person who screams, yells, or hits impose their power on others. Or we might have grown up with internalizing anger and taking out our emotions on ourselves with thinking we were too weak to handle a problem.

When in a difficult situation where I’m angry, I carve time out to take stock of my feelings, see if I’m hungry, tired or lonely and then make certain that my basic needs are met first.

Afterward, I then think through why I’m feeling angry. Even if I believe that I am in the right, anger can be misplaced toward those who don’t deserve it.

Some practical activities that I use to help me deal with anger are:

Write it out. I sit down and write about why I’m angry. I don’t censor myself. I simply write how I feel.
Ask a question. “Is it true?” I like to ask myself this question to clarify who I’m angry at and then I also use the same question to help me think through my actions. Yelling at someone might make me feel better in the short-term but such a display of emotion might not solve the problem in the long run.
Stop the dance. Anger can be cyclical and can branch out in many forms. Here’s a classic example: A husband has a bad day at work. He comes home and yells at his wife. She takes her anger out on the kids. The kids can angry at each other or internalize the anger and blame themselves. Rinse and repeat day after day and year after year, and you have a perfect example of the dance of anger that is perpetuated in many families. Be aware of this behavior and stop it.

To help break me out of my angry moods, there are some simple solutions:

Try this yoga practice: fists of anger. (I tried this once and was wiped out from it. My anger just drained out of me.)
If the fists of anger yoga practice is a bit much for you, try dealing with anger with yoga with Adriene.
And if yoga isn’t your thing, go for a walk, a run or exercise.
Listen to music to help you lift your mood.
Talk with a close friend about your feelings (and how you can resolve the problem).

Dealing with misplaced anger can be challenging, but if you’re aware that you’re doing it and take steps to deal with your anger, you’ll be well on your way to helping to solve the problem.

Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.