When an emergency takes place in your family, what do you do?
Jump into an over-functioning mode?
You take charge. Organize everything, try to do everything yourself, and work to solve the problem.
Or, do switch into an under-functioning mode?
You start stepping back, do less, and feel incompetent.
Neither solution is ideal, but both are common for adult children of alcoholics.
I’ll admit that I’ve done both of these.
I’ve taken charge, thinking that I no the right answer to solve all the problems and charge into things like a bull in a crystal shop.
And I’ve also stepped back and watched as others try to solve all the problems.
Both responses are overreactions to the situation in opposite directions.
What put this all into perspective for me was listening to Brené Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast. She tells a personal story about her family and how she reacted during a crisis. Her vulnerability and willingness to share her story helped me admit my faults.
When my grandfather passed away, I took responsibility to go pick up my mom from her work and to share with her the bad news and went with her as we set up the funeral services. I did everything I could to move things forward. I jumped into the hyper responsible mode as it was a good way to avoid my feelings at losing my grandfather.
And similarly, a few days later at the funeral, I felt numb and stepped back. I had wanted to say a few words at the service, but I kept quiet, didn’t tell anyone that I wanted to say something about my grandfather, and I felt torn between wanting to hide and to appear strong for my mom and grandmother. I felt so conflicted, lost, and weak. I just didn’t know what I was supposed to do.
The reality is that during a crisis, you’ll act as you learned to do so from your childhood upbringing.
To overcome either over- or under-functioning is to take time to give yourself space to process your emotions and to allow yourself to feel. That’s part of the challenge: Giving yourself space to work through your feelings and not just react.
Take some time, think through how you tend to react during an emergency, and think through what will be healthy for you.
Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.