I have fallen in love with being in love, but what I’ve learned over the years is that I tend to be attracted to a certain type of personality. The person is exciting, creative, interesting, and there’s an enormous amount of connection between me and the person, but then the relationship fizzles out.
As I tried to figure my way through my earlier romantic relationships, I kept picking partners who could not be there for me emotionally or psychologically.
I kept repeating the same mistakes time and time again.
I would put a tremendous amount of energy into the relationship. For a time, all would be well, and then a void would come between us, and the relationship would invariably fall apart.
I kept going to the relationship expecting a particular type of thing, and I would be disappointed.
I expect that the people that I dated felt the same way about me.
What happened?
I tried to re-create and “fix” the abandonment issues I had with my father by finding someone to fall in love with.
I kept going to the relationship thinking that I would become complete, but would find myself eventually alone and despondent. I didn’t understand why I was bad at relationships. Was I too needy back then? (Yes.) Did I think that I could change people by being with them? (Yes.) And did I think that by being with someone that together we would be complete and made whole? (Yes.)
These problems would come together, drag the relationship down, and I’d be left abandoned and hurt.
I would pity myself, lick my wounds, and eventually try again, but with the same results.
Eventually, I learned that I could not complete myself by being with another person. I couldn’t fix the hurts of my past by dating someone in the present. And I learned that with romantic relationships (and with friends), sometimes they’re just not into you.
I couldn’t make people like me or want to be with me.
But I would spend so much energy and time wasting that energy because I had a spark of connection, but it would fade.
Instead of spending so much time and energy trying to be something for someone else, I learned that I first had to spend energy on building a relationship with myself.
Imagine that. It only took me about 25 years to figure that out. Everyone needs to come to terms with their own issues and quirks. When it comes to be a child who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional home, we often felt unloved and needed to shelter ourselves from the surrounding chaos.
Instead of spending wasted time and energy on others who can never be there for us, I’ve found that it’s healthier and stabler to spend that energy to parent and love ourselves.
Then we begin attracting people who will be good partners for us.
I’ve found this to be true with friendships and not only romantic relationships.
Take a hard look at your relationships.
Where do you stand?
Are you always chasing after someone, being the initiator, putting so much time and energy into the relationship?
If so, what happens if you stop.
Does the person give back to you? Do they call, text, and reach out to see if you’re okay?
Relationships are not 50/50, but healthy ones are balanced with an ebb and flow of connection.
When you stop giving (and trying to control) everything in the relationship, what happens?
Give it a try and see.
Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.