I grew up in a dysfunctional household and what I experienced as a kid is now part of my DNA as an adult. If you grew up in a similar environment (alcohol, drugs, abuse, divorce, dysfunction, etc.), does this experience ring a bell with you?
Recently, my wife and I were arguing about finances. We were talking numbers and I expressed my fear of not having enough money to pay the bills. We were looking at the number and things get tense.
In my head, I reverted right back to my 5-year-old self and felt extremely small and powerless. A huge wave of irrational fear came over me, and my brain started going a mile a minute. One minute I’m talking with my wife about the bills and the next I’m afraid that we’ll not be able to make ends meet. From there, my brain took a giant leap, and I imagined that we were out on the street.
There are certain triggers that set me off.
Lack of money is one of those triggers.
As a boy, my mom went on welfare for a bit, I had to wear second-hand sneakers to school (which my classmates picked on me relentlessly) and when things became tight financially, my mom came to me and told me that she had to take my savings from my bank account to pay for bills.
Even writing those things sends a shiver down my spine.
I am instantly transported back to my grandparents’ house. It was summer out, warm, near twilight, and my mom came to me to talk to me about the money I had saved over the last few years. All my birthday present money and allowance my mom needed to help pay bills. All the times that I took my bank book to the bank and deposited money came flashing back. In the ‘80s, you would give the bank teller your deposit slip, bank book, and they would take your money, put it in your account and then print out your latest statement directly in your bank book.
I used to look at that little book and be so happy that I had worked so hard to save the two hundred and so dollars that I had saved up.
When my mom said she needed the money, I wanted to give it to her, but I also worried that more would be taken from me. (And to be honest, part of me resented that she needed the money.) What if it wasn’t enough? What were we going to do?
Coming back to the more recent present, when my wife and I talked about money, those old fears rose within me and stirred up deep-seated worries within me. As a kid, I worried about a lot (where I’d be going to school and if we had enough money for things along with where I would live).
The reality is that we weren’t destitute.
My grandfather helped my mom out and took us into his home. We were never going to be kicked out on the street, and I did fine with having toys, clothes, and such. But as a kid, I didn’t see things that way.
I internalized my fear.
The Fears of Our Childhood Can Control Us
But now decades have gone by, and I’m still triggered by the same fears that overwhelmed me as a kid. I have carried those scars with me for a long time. My mom went through two divorces. I went to four schools and moved three times from kindergarten to 8th grade. I lived with my mom and father, then my mom, brother, and I moved in with my grandparents, and then we moved out with my stepdad (and then back with my grandparents).
I had a lot of instability in my life, and those fears played out in my relationships.
Disagreements and arguments over money and other triggers would send me right back to when I was a kid. And it sucked.
For a long time, I didn’t know why this was happening to me. I hadn’t had the education, training, or help to set me on a better path.
But with counseling and therapy, along with practicing the twelve-step program of Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional families, I became more grounded.
I stopped being rudderless when a problem hit me.
Ways to Let Go of Fear
To overcome my fears, I use the following tools:
Talk to someone about it. (Just admitting that I’m in the middle of deep fear from my childhood helps. Yes, I sometimes feel shame about that, but I’ve learned to deal with that and let it go.)
I meditate (more on this in a bit).
I run through the twelve-steps in my head or say the Serenity prayer.
I think the hardest thing is first to admit what I’m going through.
When going through the laundry list of adult children of alcoholics, this particular trait hits me hard:
“We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.”
Who would ever want to admit to this? Seriously.
Wouldn’t it be easier to hide this under a rock in the deepest part of the sea so that no one would ever, ever know how I truly feel?
Back when I was young, I did hide away my fear of abandonment, but then I kept repeating the same pattern in my relationships over and over and over again. Things got to the point that even I could see my faults.
Admitting a truth is hard, but also not impossible. To overcome the fear of my childhood and the struggles I have in my adult life, I have chosen to share what I’m going through. It helps me, helps my relationships, and allows me to see a path to solve a problem.
Which then leads me to therapy, twelve-step meetings, and meditation.
There is no “one size fits all” solution for overcoming the fear (for me of abandonment) that’s triggered from one’s upbringing. I’ve used a wide range of tools to help me over the years.
And most recently, I came across a meditation by Deepak Chopra on Empowerment. I’m going through Chopra’s 21-day Empowerment meditations, and I’m on day 7. During the meditation, Copra says in his calming voice: “Your sense of security cannot be shaken.”
He goes on to explain how we can free ourselves from fear by realizing that we can overcome fear and insecurity. Once we let go and just be, we realize that there are no strings holding us back.
Now maybe meditation doesn’t work for you. Maybe you believe in God and put your faith in organized religion. Or maybe you’re believe there is a higher power that you trust will not let you fall. I can’t say what will work for you, but I do know that when I do let go of a situation that I feel better as though a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders.
So to go back to the beginning: When I’m thinking about the bills and finances, I now have the means to stop and think through a situation. I can let go and put my trust in God, in a meditation practice, but more practically, I can listen to my adult voice and ask:
Is it true?
Is it true that my family will be homeless? Is it true that I need to let my past fears overcome me? Is it true that my fear of abandonment is coming to fruition?
No, I don’t have to allow that any longer. I’m in control of my future by letting go of my past fears.
When I first started going to therapy, my counselor at the time taught me about the three different voices within us:
Our child voice (“I want the candy now!")
Our parental voice (“You can’t have candy until after dinner, and that’s final!”)
And our adult voice (“Is it true that I need to have candy now?”)
What I have worked on for my years is to develop my adult voice and to center myself so that I can let go of the fears that overwhelmed me as a child.
Let me know if this has helped you and what tools you use to overcome irrational fear. Thanks!
Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.