By the time I entered 8th grade, I had attended a total of four schools. As a kid, I’d make friends but had to leave them behind to go to a new school. Add on top of that my insecurities of being skinny and someone who liked books; I found it really difficult to deal with change in growing up.

When I look back at my childhood, I have memories that stand out and are painful.

The time that my father had visitation rights, and he took me out with his new girlfriend. We were parked in a car, and he told us to get down, so we weren’t seen by the cops as they drove by.

He told me we had to do that because his car didn’t have the latest registration sticker on it, but who knows if that was the truth.

The basic things that a lot of my friends grew up with (stability and secure in their home) weren’t always in my family.

The complicated part of having grown up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family is that you don’t know any better. You grow up thinking that your life is “normal” and just like everyone else’s.

Now as an adult, there are some things that I really dislike:

Surprises
Changes

Let me be clear: I don’t mind making the changes, but I sure as hell don’t like to be affected by other people’s changes that come out of the blue.

When unplanned changes come up, I remember my childhood, and that increases my anxiety, and fear takes over (sometimes panic).

Here’s how things typically go:

Out of the blue change, fear, anxiety, stress and sometimes anger.

Being the oldest kid in my family, I took on the super responsibility role. I’d be told as a kid: “You’re the man of the house now and need to watch out for your mom.” And I did do that, as best I could.

Now, as an adult, I have that over-responsible gene burned into me, and when change comes, I have difficulty accepting it. I’m the planner, the organizer and like to be one step ahead. Unplanned changes throw me off my game.

But having difficulty accepting change is a common personality trait in children who grew up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional household.

Have you ever felt this way?

Well, it seems that we’re in good company.

The pressure to deal with change can be difficult to process and handle when my emotions are all over the place.

What do I do when I feel this way?

I think the most important thing is to recognize what I’m feeling. That might seems pretty straightforward, but in the moment, even just saying: “I’m feeling this way because of my childhood” helps.

Then I need some time to process how I’m feeling and come back to the table to talk it out.

There’s great power in admitting that I’m reacting to a situation because of my upbringing. Owning how I feel and accepting it allows me to take the next step and move on.

Just how I mentioned yesterday in my dealing with irrational fear post, the next step is to ask: “Is it true?”

Is it true that this is the end of the world? Is it true that "fill in whatever I’m afraid of” is going to ruin me?

Probably not.

The biggest challenge for me is separating my fears that spring up from my childhood and what’s relevant today. How easy it is for the negative thoughts to spring up and play over and over in my head.

Breaking that cycle and challenging how I’m feeling can be difficult to do if I’m tired or feeling insecure.

And if there’s a level of trust in the event (the players involved in the change aren’t reliable, etc.), then that only adds more complexity to the problem.

But all isn’t lost?

What I’ve learned over time is that most change is usually predictable. Granted, there are some changes that spring up unexpectedly, but as an adult, being nimble and flexible in the moment can be a Godsend.

To get to that more comfortable space, I’ve done a lot of work over the years. The top three things I’d recommend would be:

Write in a journal or talk to a trusted friend (or therapist) about how you feel.
Go for a walk or run. Get the body moving and allow yourself the time to think while you exercise. Just let yourself be.
Meditate. Give yourself the space you need to distance from the change. Build up the self-confidence by using meditation to re-center yourself.

The challenge, of course, is putting these skills into practice. Just like anything else in life, you need to put in the work to have them help you.

If you have a partner and are going through a difficult time in accepting change, be honest with them. Let them know how you feel and ask for some space/time to process what you’re going through. And then, come back to them and talk things out.

The bigger challenge is that in the workplace, you might not have the luxury of having a safe psychological environment. Layoffs happen, firings, and reorganizations. Roll with the punches, but the tricky aspect of such change in the workplace is that your emotions might bleed out in your private life (having a shorter temper with your family as you struggle with the change). Be mindful of this.

Again, this is where honesty and putting your skills into practice will help.

Building a safety net today will help you tomorrow.

Is this easy? No, sometimes it isn’t. I’ve been hurt, upset, stressed out, and dealing with anxiety when big unexpected change comes.

Knowing how to handle the change, will put you not only a better frame of mind but set you up to be more flexible in handling change.

Growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family does not mean that you have to be defined by what your life was like back then. Admitting what your struggles are and working on them, will help you be better prepared for when change comes. Again, sometimes things just suck and are difficult. That’s life.

Yet how you respond to the change doesn’t always have to be through stressing and freaking out.

If you have other tips to handle change, write to me and let me know what you do. Thanks!

Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out my other posts in my Let Go and Be Free blog.