The ninth step of Adult Children of Alcoholics is: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
Once we are on the road to recovery, we will have choices that we will need to make. If we’ve hurt others, there will be time to reflect on what we’ve done wrong, who we’ve hurt, and on whether to make those amends to those we have harmed.
Making amends does not mean that we reach back out to those who do not want to have contact with us: Though we might want to do best to an ex- or a family member, we need to respect the wishes of those people in our lives.
Sometimes making amends means leaving them alone because it’s what they want from us.
The purpose of making amends is to be accountable for our behavior, and we need to create a path on which we will not repeat past mistakes. But if someone does not wish for us to make amends to them, then it’s important that we respect their wishes.
The challenge on making amends is that some people might still be angry at us and they might say things to us that we don’t want to hear. Maybe we’ll learn how we weren’t there for them when they needed us or that we didn’t respect their wishes.
When making amends, take it slow. The purpose isn’t to come up with a huge checklist of people and then contact them all at once to get the problem off your chest. That’s not the purpose of making amends.
Go slow, be mindful, and listen before you leap.
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